the wretched mouse

I haven't written here in quite some time and for good reason. I seem to find myself losing my grip on the hold I have on life. The leg up that I was given seems to be a bit shaky and I find myself losing my footing on the edge.

I have some support from my nearest and dearest, which consists of my fiance, my best friend and my Dad. There is, unfortunately, more to that than I have let on thus far.

My Dad is always supportive, but he's physically ill and I don't want to impose on him. My best friend is amazing, but she has four children and her husband to look after. My fiance, though I love him more than I have words for, speaks his love for me in volumes, but then acts in contradiction to those words in one of the most harsh forms: ignoring me.

I don't want constant attention. I think I would jump out of my skin. I would, however, like the words "you mean everything to me" to be followed up with an action that supports this phrase. Instead of that, however, I can stand there and speak to him and finally realize that he is either ignoring me or not placing any importance on what I'm saying. As well, I can ask him a question or say something and, by the time I'm turning to walk away, hear him ask, "What, honey?"

I hate repeating myself (short of hard-of-hearing people for obvious reasons), but this is not him being hard of hearing. This is him ignoring what I'm saying to him.

Today has been incredibly rough for me physically and mentally. I'm still coping with my rape. I'm still coping with the concept of losing my Dad soon. I'm still coping with the amount of people in society who constantly remind me that I'm nothing. I'm still coping with the several horrible things that my fiance and I have had to overcome in the past year and are still attempting to. The few pieces of good news I had had today, I was so anxious to tell him about, but his games were more important. When he finally did seek me out in our room, he had said that he wanted to cheer me up. I told him in no uncertain terms that the time for that had passed. He asked when and I responded, "About four hours ago."

When he asked why, I told him that I had been waiting all day to talk to him and spend time with him and that, after a while, it seemed like the thing to do to remove myself from the area due to a lack of interest. This irritated him to the point that he rolled his eyes. That hurt.

I can't explain to him how much this effects me. I can't explain what it's doing to my heart and my mind and I can't seem to find a way past it. I feel alone, unimportant, worthless and completely devalued. I am scared to be ignored, to be forgotten... and yet, here I am.

My question is simply this:

After reading my ramblings and my neuroses, how many of us who suffer from depression can say that they understand? How many can offer some advice that isn't ended with "break up with him"? Am I the only one who feels this way?

I'm in a relationship with someone who I was under the sincere impression that I was in love with. I think I may still be. I know that I love him. Otherwise, it wouldn't hurt when he's so damn inconsiderate to me. That's a constant. It doesn't matter what I say to him or how I ask him. His family has let me know in no uncertain terms that they don't like me.. though I'm not sure why. His mother has let me knwo that she doesn't think I'll be happy with him.. has said things like "you won't be the last". I'm starting to wonder one thing:

Why am I here?

I don't ask him for anything if I can help it. My mistake, I think, is expecting him to be considerate. I was raised that way and, stupidly, assumed that he would be. I could be wrong, but if you love someone, you don't wait until they ask you. If you see an empty cup, fill it because you want to. If they're sick, comfort them and help them. Don't grumble if they ask for help. These are common things, I thought.

I seem to be wrong and, every single day, my heart feels like it's being ripped out. So, I'm going to put my wall back up as fast as I can. That way, when I get up enough money to move out, it won't hurt as bad. I know I'll feel it later, but as long as that wall is there... as long as my heart is protected, I can cope. That's all I have for now.

Lately, I'm of the opinion that depression is much more than people give it credit for. At the risk of sounding crazy, I have a theory about it.. a few, actually.

Firstly, I feel as though it is a living organism almost. It defends itself when attacked. An attack on depression usually comes in the form of treatment. I think that, from what I've been through and observed, this is the cause for most people suddenly being stricken with a fear or very insistant urge to not seek treatment. It's almost as is if the depression we suffer from is aware of what we're planning to do. As with any living thing that is threatened, it fights for itself. It defends itself in the only way it knows how. It incorporates its own self-preservation into our already bad symptoms.

Secondly, depression is a liar. Yes, that supports my first theory about it being alive. Depression makes our minds believe things that are incredible, astounding, unrealistic. It takes something as small as a grain of sand and turns it into an atomic detonation. It is a liar. The lies it tells us... the lies that our minds unwittingly believe... destroy us. It is a destructive force with its own self-preservation system and, apparently, no matter what the cost, it will protect itself. Medication, treatment of any kind, therapy... these are the mortal enemies.

So.. since I've made those theories clear (as clear as possible, anyways), it is important for those of us who suffer from this debilitating disease (yes, it is a disease) to be aware of this and to know methods of holding it off. Of course, if we are taking medication and seeking professional help, these things make holding off the depression easier. Without those things, it will be difficult on a scale that only we can measure ourselves.

We must remember (if we can) that it is a liar, that it blows things way out of proportion. Therefor, we should be constantly vigilant of its attacks and aware of its triggers. Anything highly emotional, negative, or usually having to do with business should be avoided if at all possible. An example would be that if someone in your life says something that annoys you, your deppressive reaction would automatically be to overreact. However, if you can, be cognisant of what is happening. Think about what your brain is wanting to do and what it should be actually doing instead. Keep yourself in check.

If anything in the way of a traumatic event happens, such as a death, remember that grieving is normal, but your mind will do anything to exaggerate the situation into something much bigger than what it actually is. Please bear these things in mind.

As soon as I have done more in depth studies regarding the issue of depression and its workings, I will be sure to post. Always bear in mind, on a parting note, that if you feel like your life serves no purpose, it does. If you feel like giving up, don't. If you feel suicidal or homicidal, do not hesitate to call 911. These are crucial elements for those of us who suffer. I'll have more for you soon.

Since this is my first blog, I feel it important to note that I have been formally diagnosed with Massive Depressive Disorder and PTSD. Lately, unfortunately, this is becoming more of a problem than I'm used to. I've dealt with it since I was 13 years old.

At a later time, I'll explain the catastrophic event that sent my life spiralling out of control. Let's just say that, for the past 11 years, life has been more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I'm sure some of you can understand that.

The most recent chain of events are things that could send me full-on into a downward spiral.. and I'd end up back under the bottom of the barrel. It's amazing how one little thing can change the course of a life. It's even more amazing how huge, epicly bad things can set things straight or break a person completely.

A month ago, I walked into our local "lovely" mental health evaluation urgent care clinic. Hours later, I was given a prescription for an antidepressant. This helped. Since then, I've been trying to get into what they call their "start clinic". It is an intake clinic, in actuality, and is very difficult to get into. I've been three times and been told all three times that I "can't be seen today". I am now out of my medication and have been told that I need to start the process over again. This is not something I am looking forward to.

My father, recently, was asked by a panel of physicians what he would change in the system if he could. His immediate answer was "the intake process". Too many people are going untreated, unnoticed and uncared for by the very people who preach the ability to help them. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon occurance in New Mexico. The red tape in this state is worse than in any other state I've ever resided.

Because of this one thing, my life has begun to spin out of control. I am of the opinion that I am a hazard and a burden to everyone who gets within 10 feet of me, let alone anyone who cares about me. It seems to be a trend. I'm honestly afraid right now. I'm afraid of one thing. I'm afraid that one day, he'll wake up and look at me and say, "I don't love you. What the hell am I doing with my life?"

I feel as though, if he stays with me and fights these battles with me, I'll break him. He's a good man. I don't want to hurt him. I'm considering packing up and running away... but not just from him. From everything. From everyone. I know I'm not a bad person. I know that, among today's women, I am a gem. I was raised to be a good woman. I'm just petrified that, because of my life... because I'm poor... because Murphy LOVES me (Murphy's Law, IE)... that I'll drag anyone near me down that hole with me... and I can't do that in good conscience.

Things are rocky now. We smile at one another, but the tension is thick. Neither one of us know what to do. He's set that he wants me in his life, but says that I have valid points. It makes me want to run hard and fast. All I can do is pray. God help me.