Ever Present Monster
I haven't written here in quite some time and for good reason. I seem to find myself losing my grip on the hold I have on life. The leg up that I was given seems to be a bit shaky and I find myself losing my footing on the edge.
I have some support from my nearest and dearest, which consists of my fiance, my best friend and my Dad. There is, unfortunately, more to that than I have let on thus far.
My Dad is always supportive, but he's physically ill and I don't want to impose on him. My best friend is amazing, but she has four children and her husband to look after. My fiance, though I love him more than I have words for, speaks his love for me in volumes, but then acts in contradiction to those words in one of the most harsh forms: ignoring me.
I don't want constant attention. I think I would jump out of my skin. I would, however, like the words "you mean everything to me" to be followed up with an action that supports this phrase. Instead of that, however, I can stand there and speak to him and finally realize that he is either ignoring me or not placing any importance on what I'm saying. As well, I can ask him a question or say something and, by the time I'm turning to walk away, hear him ask, "What, honey?"
I hate repeating myself (short of hard-of-hearing people for obvious reasons), but this is not him being hard of hearing. This is him ignoring what I'm saying to him.
Today has been incredibly rough for me physically and mentally. I'm still coping with my rape. I'm still coping with the concept of losing my Dad soon. I'm still coping with the amount of people in society who constantly remind me that I'm nothing. I'm still coping with the several horrible things that my fiance and I have had to overcome in the past year and are still attempting to. The few pieces of good news I had had today, I was so anxious to tell him about, but his games were more important. When he finally did seek me out in our room, he had said that he wanted to cheer me up. I told him in no uncertain terms that the time for that had passed. He asked when and I responded, "About four hours ago."
When he asked why, I told him that I had been waiting all day to talk to him and spend time with him and that, after a while, it seemed like the thing to do to remove myself from the area due to a lack of interest. This irritated him to the point that he rolled his eyes. That hurt.
I can't explain to him how much this effects me. I can't explain what it's doing to my heart and my mind and I can't seem to find a way past it. I feel alone, unimportant, worthless and completely devalued. I am scared to be ignored, to be forgotten... and yet, here I am.
My question is simply this:
After reading my ramblings and my neuroses, how many of us who suffer from depression can say that they understand? How many can offer some advice that isn't ended with "break up with him"? Am I the only one who feels this way?
