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what is love...??? killer thoughts...!!!

Posted by [email protected] on 08/03/19  •  Send feedback »

what is love...??? is the question we all search answers for...!!!

i have  fallen in love many times ., as in i had 6 boyfriends in my life.. all become ex's as of  today. i have seen a shortfilm in youtube saying true love with caption true love is not forgotten and if forgotten isn't true love... such breath holding lines right... but my point is the every person who came into my life and i thought that he might b the one , i loved him truly with loyalty but later they cheated on me and hurted me then does it mean mine wasnt true love because  i moved on strongly in search of that true love.. but never found  it... every body broke my trust. mentally so devastating that now i have gotten so insecure that i am so scared to trust my fiance who doesnt get tired from saying that he would b there with  me for the next coming 64 years.... i like him , infact i love him so much that i proposed him first n wanna get married so desperately ., but at the same  time my mind is so insecured and negative that i am so exhausted fighting with my own thoughts.. my last boyfriend was so mice n i really felt for him n decided to get marry but he never assured me or said yes for marriage., i believe strongly that he never ever  had thought of marrying me. so i decided to go for arrange marriage as i didnt want my parents to go through the same pain as , thought that would go for arrange marriage n compromise for some days as my parents would b happy thinking that they have fulfilled their responsibilities successfully n then later on i would quit my life as my whoever husband wouldnt love me because i wouldnt b able to love him n afterwards  i die so that everyone would b happy. sounded like a good plan for me but god is so bad that he never lets my plans to work out.. later on i found out that my fiance is a good person in real n i suddenly started liking him..

but later on i found out that my last boyfriend was cheating on me with my bff  n all the care he showed on me was only to slide on to my bed... so now i understand how bad person i am ... generally once mistake committed shouldnt b repeated but everytime same mistake , 6 times same mistake same cheating same playing off with my feelings, made me realised how stupid i am... now my fiance is such a good guy that he doesnt deserve to live with such a fool.. he deserves much better..now i am not right person.. a person who gets cheated 6 times either must b some big fool or some bad sinner who doesnt deserve to b loved... this is so scary... i hate myself,.. these negative thoughts are not letting me to live with peace and so the people around me are not in peasce because of me.. i wish god does some magic n takes me off from this earth or everyone forgets me that a person like me even existed on this earth.

ohh god please help me... these thoughts are killing me from inside

new year..... new beginning

Posted by [email protected] on 01/03/19  •  Send feedback »

NEW YEAR 2019, a new year wishes symbolises everything new , like new clothes, new positivity , new hope , new enthusiasm , new believes, new start , new happiness and new struggles and new experiences of life .., in all a new beginning of new life....

for me this year started likewise n hope that it goes on the same way all throught the 365 days.. i never believed or made any new year resolutions because i knew that i wont b keeping it up but this year i have made one of being positive in life and not stopping in the middle because of my thoughts., no matter what i need to keep going n keep working... this year i only need to work. nad work and only work n do everything that comes up in my mind...immediately...

i wish a very happy new yea to all n may this yr bring only positivity in everyones life and give them a hope of light to b happy ever after...

merry christmas

Posted by [email protected] on 12/25/18  •  Send feedback »

merry christmas to all

own insecurities kill us

Posted by [email protected] on 12/11/18  •  1 feedback »

INSECURITIES..... MY OWN INSECURITIES HAVE INCREASED SO MUCH THAT I AM DROWNING IN IT... I HAVE NO IDEA Y AM I BEING LIKE THIS... WHEN I WAS SMALL AROUND 10 WE USED TO GET RANK CARD FROM THE SCHOOL AFTER EVERY EXAM AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO B SIGNED OFF BY PARENTS, AND IN THE BEGINNING OF YR I USD TO FAIL SO MY DAD REFUSD TO SIGN IT AND SO I USED TO GET AFRAID TO SHOW IT AT HOME... LATER ON SOMEHOW I IMPROVISED MY STUDIES AND PASSED THEN ALSO SAME THING HAPPENED AND NOW REASON BEING NOT ATTAINING 90%... SO AGAIN I IMPROVISED AND GOT 90% BUT THIS IT GOT SIGNED WITH A QUESTION SAYING Y NOT 95%... THEN I TRIED GETTING THAT TOO AND LIKE THAT LIFE WENT ON... BUT IT HALTED AFTER ENTERING INTO GRADUATION... I WAS A TOPPER SINCE CHILDHOOD BUT I AM NO   MORE... I STARTED TASTING THE FAILURE AGAIN, BUT NOW ITS NOT THAT EASY TO IMPROVISE, AND ACTUALLY I LOST THAT ZEAL AND DETERMINATION TO IMPROVISE, NOT ABLE TO HANDLE THAT STRESS AND PRESSURE ANYMORE.. THERE WAS A TIME I USED TO SAY TO EVERYONE THAT READING BOOKS IS MY HOBBY BUT NOW A DAYS I AM EVEN HATING THE TAUGHT OF A BOOK OR READING.. Y DID I BECOME LIKEW THIS GOD??? IS MY VERY FIRST QUESTION TO GOD...I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LOST MYSELF SOMEWHERE AND IM NEVER GONNA GET MYSELF BACK... I ALWAYS SAID THAT HATE MYSELF BUT  I USED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF IN SOME OR THE OTHER WAY BUT NOW A DAYS I EVEN HATE THE THOUGHT OF MYSELF... I ALWAYS FEEL THAT HATRED IN MYSELF.. I GET IRRITATED AND FRUSTUATED AND ANGRY VERY EASILY.. AND VERY IMPATIENT.. I WAS NEVER LIKE THIS BEFORE THEN Y AM I NOW LIKE THAT...

I LOVE MY DAD VERY MUCH BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING INFRONT OF HIM ALL THIS.. I FEEL LIKE THAT HE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE AFTER I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY DEPRESSION, I KNOW THAT HE IS VERY TENSED REGARDING ME BUT NOW A DAYS I FEEL AS  IF HE IS VERY  ANGRY WITH ME AND I ALWAYS FIND HIM VERY SERIOUS AND I CANT EVEN TALK TO HIM LIKE BEFORE OR HE ISNT TALKING TO ME LIKE BEFORE., I DONT KNOW WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT BUT I FEEL AS IF I HAVE THAT CONNECTION WITH HIM.. THAT INTENSE CONNECTION WE USED TO SHARE IS LOST.. I AL GETTING A FEELING THESE DAYS THAT DAD IS THINKING AS IF HIS DAUGHTER HAS BECOME THE WEAKEST PERSON EVER AND I AM NOT THE ONE HE WANTED EVER AND AS IF HE DOESNT WANTS ME ANYMORE., I KNOW AND I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT ALL THIS BULLSHIT IS ONLY IN MY BRAIN AND NOT HIS BUT DONT KNOW Y AM I GETTING THESE THOUGHTS IN THE FIRST PLACE...

EVEN MY BROTHER WAS NT SO GREAT IN STUDIES SINCE HIS CHILDHOOD BUT NOW HE IS GRADUATED PERSUING HIS POST GRADUATION AND HE IS BEEN SEEN MOST OF THE TIME THESE DAYS WITH SOME OR THE OTHER BOOK AND I FEEL EVEN HE IS STUDYING AND STARTED LIKNG BOOKS BUT I AM HATING IT ... WHY.. WHY..?????  I AM INSECURED EVEN WITH HIM

MY DAD SAID THAT I HAVENT TROUBLED HIM WHEN  I SHOULD HAVE BEEN , WHEN I WAS EXPECTED BUT,, I AM TROUBLING HIM NOW WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BEHAVE LIKE A WELL MATURED DAUGHTER OF HIS.... I WAS ALWAYS HAPPY WITH ONE THING OF MYSELF THAT I WAS CALLED THE MATURED GIRL IN MY SURROUNDINGS BUT NOW I AM BEING THE MOST IMMATURED ONE AMONG ALL... Y AM I LIKE THIS ????? Y DID I CHASNGE LIKE THIS..??? Y DID I CHANGE INTO A PERSON I HAVE NEVER KNOWN OFF...??? Y IS THIS KILLING ME FROM INSIDE AND NOT FROM OUTSIDE...???/ WHY ?? WHY??WHY GOD??? WHY???

POST EFFECT

Posted by [email protected] on 12/05/18  •  1 feedback »

AFTER MY CONSULTATION , MY FAMILY ESPECIALLY MY MOM AND DAD CAME TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH AND WHAT I WAS FEELING LIKE... BUT  MY DAD WASNT SHOCKED, AS IF HE HAD ALREADY EXPECTED THAT COMING ... FOR 2-3 DAYS THEY COUNSELLED ME AND DAD'S HEALTH GOT SPOILED PROBABLY BECAUSE HE GOT MORE TENSED REGARDING ME... AFTER SEEING ALL THIS I REGRETED ME OPENING UP BY   50%  ..ITS   50%    ONLY BECAUSE I AM AT EASE SINCE THEN... I DO GET SAD AT TIMES N THE THOUGHTS HAVENT STOPPED BUT THE CHANGE I HAD AFTER THIS IS THAT I HAVE LOST THE PRESSURE FROM MY HEAD AND I AM NO MORE BOILING UP AND LOCKED UP IN A PRESSURE COOKER... I HAVE SET UP NEW AIMS AND GOALS AND THE MAIN THING I CHANGED ABOUT MYSELF IS I STOPPED EXPECTING AND CHASING THE PEOPLE... I HAVE LEFT EVERYTHING ON GOD ... NOW WHATEVER WILL HAPPEN IN MY LIFE I WILL ACCEPT IT SMILING BECAUSE THAT WOULD B WHAT I DESERVE FOR MY DEEDS NO MATTER GOOD OR BAD...

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