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what is love...??? killer thoughts...!!!

Posted by [email protected] on 08/03/19  •  Send feedback »

what is love...??? is the question we all search answers for...!!!

i have  fallen in love many times ., as in i had 6 boyfriends in my life.. all become ex's as of  today. i have seen a shortfilm in youtube saying true love with caption true love is not forgotten and if forgotten isn't true love... such breath holding lines right... but my point is the every person who came into my life and i thought that he might b the one , i loved him truly with loyalty but later they cheated on me and hurted me then does it mean mine wasnt true love because  i moved on strongly in search of that true love.. but never found  it... every body broke my trust. mentally so devastating that now i have gotten so insecure that i am so scared to trust my fiance who doesnt get tired from saying that he would b there with  me for the next coming 64 years.... i like him , infact i love him so much that i proposed him first n wanna get married so desperately ., but at the same  time my mind is so insecured and negative that i am so exhausted fighting with my own thoughts.. my last boyfriend was so mice n i really felt for him n decided to get marry but he never assured me or said yes for marriage., i believe strongly that he never ever  had thought of marrying me. so i decided to go for arrange marriage as i didnt want my parents to go through the same pain as , thought that would go for arrange marriage n compromise for some days as my parents would b happy thinking that they have fulfilled their responsibilities successfully n then later on i would quit my life as my whoever husband wouldnt love me because i wouldnt b able to love him n afterwards  i die so that everyone would b happy. sounded like a good plan for me but god is so bad that he never lets my plans to work out.. later on i found out that my fiance is a good person in real n i suddenly started liking him..

but later on i found out that my last boyfriend was cheating on me with my bff  n all the care he showed on me was only to slide on to my bed... so now i understand how bad person i am ... generally once mistake committed shouldnt b repeated but everytime same mistake , 6 times same mistake same cheating same playing off with my feelings, made me realised how stupid i am... now my fiance is such a good guy that he doesnt deserve to live with such a fool.. he deserves much better..now i am not right person.. a person who gets cheated 6 times either must b some big fool or some bad sinner who doesnt deserve to b loved... this is so scary... i hate myself,.. these negative thoughts are not letting me to live with peace and so the people around me are not in peasce because of me.. i wish god does some magic n takes me off from this earth or everyone forgets me that a person like me even existed on this earth.

ohh god please help me... these thoughts are killing me from inside

 

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