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24
Oct

So Pissed Off Right Now!!

I am so angry right now, at my ex, at my dad, at my family, and at myself.

I found out my ex, that I still love very much, is doing drugs again. He promised that he wouldn't do that again and now he is back in jail for threatening to kill his family while he was high.

I was supposed to sleep over at my best friend's tonight and my dad showed up to come and pick me up. Telling me that I can't sleep over tonight, but I can tomorrow. We got into a fight over it cause I don't see why I couldn't sleep over tonight if I can tomorrow night. And then he wants to act like everything is perfectly fine and we didn't just have a huge arguement over bullshit.

My whole f***ing family is home right now and my sis also has her boyfriend over and there are far too many f***ing people here and they are just pissing me off more.

I am angry with myself because I know its wrong, but I couldn't stop myself from cutting last night. And yet I can't feel guilty for what I have done and yet I know I should................

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22
Oct

New Feelings

I fell in love with my best friend before he broke my heart and now I am falling for my other best friend. I feel like such a whore and slut! Like why do I feel this way about a close friend of mine when I haven't even gotten over Dean. I  don't know what to do anymore and I feel like I can't tell anyone cause I feel like they would judge me for it.

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15
Oct

My Fault

10.15.14

Today I found out that Dean has been kicked out of his house, has been in Canyon Ridge since Tuesday and is never coming back to the school. I knew Dean was struggling with depression but I was not aware that it had gotten this bad with him. Although we broke up almost 3 weeks ago, I still love him and care deeply for him and just want him safe and happy. I had a complete break down and panic attack during third period because I was just told that he was in the hospital after ODing on his meds. I was terrified that I had lost the only person that I have ever loved. And I am still terrified.

I wrote Dean a letter telling him about how I found out, not asking if he is ok or how he's doing cause obviously he isn't ok and isn't doing too great, and to please write me back a letter with his new address after they transfer him. I am so worried that I will never see him again and that I have forever lost my best friend. I just want him back in my life again even if we never start dating again. Just having him in my life one way or another will suffice for me. I love him so much and I feel partially responsible for his actions.

I should have been able to notice his worsening depression. I should have been there for him and be that support system that he has always said I am. I just wish I was able to do something before it got this out of hand and he went too far. He could have died and I would have been the one to blame! His depression has only gotten worse since we broke up and I did nothing to try and help him, I was too selfish and thought only about me and how I was feeling.

It's my fault that Dean is now in a psychiatric hospital and that he attempted to commit suicide. All my fault......

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13
Oct

10.6.14

why dies depression suck so much? at such random times of the day i get such an urge to cut. like thats going to make everything better, take away my problems, rid me of the drama even if its just for a few minutes or if i'm lucky a few hours. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in such a long time and now its fucking constant. I thought i was over all of this shit finally, Daniel's gone and i was surrounded by my friends and two amazing best friends. i thought my dreams had finally come true when Dean admitted his feelings for me and asked me out. i was the happiest i think i have ever been in my life and then not even 3 months later, he breaks up with me with the age old saying, "its not you, its me. i have to work on myself." i'm just so lost now and i have no one i can freaking go to to talk to. Everyone either judges me or is on Dean's side about this whole break up shit.

everyday i still wear Dean's infinity sign necklace that he gave me after our 1 month anniversary. he asked me the other day why i still wear it and that got me thinking. i still wear it cause i am still hopeful that we will eventually get back together but it seems like we are growing more and more distant. he wanted to remain as best friends and i told him that i would try my hardest and we'll have to go from there and yet he's the one that i feel isn't putting any effort in again. its like our relationship all over again. and when i ask if its me or something i did he says no, but how come i can't believe him? how come i still feel like its my fault? why is it my fault all the time for everything bad that happpens? why did my fucking depression come back? i hate this!!!!!!!!

i had a dream last night that i had finally suceeded. I had comitted suicide and i had died, but right before i did that i sent out letters and a video to my family, my friends and one specifically to Dean. i told all of them that it wasn't there fault and that i had just lost the war with my depression finally. I told everyone to move on and have amazing lives. i told Dean, the one and only person that i have ever loved with my entire everything, to find another girl thats better and stronger than me, cause thats what he deserves. and the worst part is that when i woke up and my pillow was wet from me crying in my dream, i wished it was real. i didn't want to continue fighting my depression anymore. i had given up.

today at school we had a bomb threat and so many people were scared but i wasn't. it wasn't until 5th period that i really thought about y i wasn't scared. i still wanted to die. and if someone else killed me then that burden would be lifted off of my shoulders. i was done.

i'm just so tired now. i put on a front and mask for everyone else. i am the sarcastic happy girl that everybody thinks they know, when the only person i truely let past almost all of my walls was Dean. i am exhausted and at random times my depression pops back up and wins.

my dad has a packet of razor blades right below my room in the garage and all i can think about is me just walking down and cutting my wrist again. a week ago i cut 2 times and it was the most amazing feeling in the world besides Dean and being with him. It was a close second. for those 30 min. i was free. no drama, no worries, no stress, nothing but just bliss. and then it all crashed down and i had to deal with reality again.

when people look at me that know the 'bad' things that i have done to myself i feel so judged, especially from my older sister amber. i feel like she looks at me differently and she gets really anger and pissed off with me and i can't deal/cope with people being mad at me. it causes me anxiety and more stress.

i am so damn tired of all this drama and having to wake up and put a new mask on to face the world again. i just want to stay home, curled up on me bed and blocking the world and her drama out. i don't want to be here anymore. i am just so done and exhausted from this constant fight and battle with depression.

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