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Just need to vent

I'm soooo lonely and i just need to clear my head. I feel like my life is in a whirlwind spinning out of control around me and I'm just anchored down in the middle of all the bull. Ugh! Recently, my dad was sentenced to prison, and in which I think he was just another ignorant victim to the "justice" system... tricked manipulated and blindsided. But what can anyone do. No one cares no one feels sympathy because they hear prison and automatically assume one is defending a criminal and his ways. Or if they do feel that one's not a criminal then its just a matter of having no relevance to them. So that happened, then around the same time as dealing with my dad court ish my "boyfriend" of 3 years got a job in another state and decided that it would be best if he moved first then when he gets settled I'll follow. Long story short he's still settling and I'm still waiting... going on 3 years later. These 2 issues are my main issues everything else just seem sooo annoyingly minor. But regardless of what problems are in front of me I feel like I can't even begin to solve not one because.... I honestly don't know. Its like everything is out of my control and I just got to deal and move on. But its so hard to do this when every night you feel alone, abandoned, lost, confused, angry, sad, and helpless. And everyday you're faking happiness, pretending to be strong, plastering on smiles, acting like your ish is together, but really you're just wishing to be the person you're pretending to be. I live a double life. And for the most part I do pretty good at controlling both my persons keeping them separate from the other one's world. But that requires alot of energy and strength and I eventually get weak and controlling this double life style gets exhausting then I lose control. And losing control is the scariest thing to me. Because I feel like when my double life gets blended into one... That person in which is the outcome is a person I don't want to be. I actually hate that person. I hate her. She's so dead. She feels nothing, lives off of impulsions, gets high off of fast living, and overdoses on poisoning another persons life. I know she's bad I know its unhealthy to be her. But secretly I want to just be her. Life seems much more easier living as her versus living as me trying to balance 2 opposite lives. But what I wonder is maybe this person which is a self I don't like is in reality who I am. And the person with 2 identities is a person I'm pretending to be to please people. I take that back. See right now I'm losing control over my double life and I'm beginning to hear her voice. And she's trying to manipulate me by playing on my weaknesses because she wants out. But I know that once I become her I'm going to lose everything and everyone closes to me. I don't know this typing ish got my mind racing.

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