Monday, January 23rd, 2012
Seventy2Hours
Categories: need2know
- I Lie Here, Locked In My Room, Self Medicated And Have Advised My Children I Need To Be Alone. My Chest Is Hurting, My Mind Feels Like A Running Blender With So Many Thoughts And Feelings That I Cant Make Sense Of Any Of Them. I Cry, Then I Dont..Im Angry Then Im Happy....I Have Tried To Talk To People But It Confuses Me Even More. I Dont Want To Get Out Of Bed, I Dont Want To Deal With The Things That Are Forced At Me On A Daily Basis. I Dont Want To Talk Or Be Around Anyone!! A Person Who Doesnt Suffer From This Sickness Would Say To Me "Thats Life, Deal With It"..But Ones Who GET IT, Know, Its Not As Easy As People Think.
- Summary About Me:
- Will Be 32 In March, Have 2 Children, A Girl Who Lives With Me To Help With The Kids When I Work. (Who Sometimes Stresses Me Out More) I Have A Job, 3 Months Now At A Local Hospital, W/In The First Month, I LOVED My Job....Now....I Despise The Thought Of Going! Before I Started This Job, I Was Unemployed So To Speak For 2 Years, I Have Been In School Now, Just Over A Year, But Am A Licensed Foster Car Provider. It Wasnt Until I Relocated, That I Had To Start Back Work Again In Order To Make Ends Meet.. So I Thought, Now It Seems As Though I Was Doing Better On Unemployment.
- I Have Been Diagnosed As Mild Bipolar, Depression & Anxiety. Anger Doesnt Come Until The Very End Of The Episodes, If I Cant Get Thru Them First. More Than None Its Severe Depression, I Dont Think Clearly Nor Do I Make Rational Decisions. Its Very Frustrating That Even My Best Friends, Or Even Family Members Although "Get It" More Than Most, Still Are Partial To Their Own Thoughts And Feelings And Try To Tell Me What I Should Do Or Not Do.. Rather Than Help Me And Truly Understand. Which Brings Me To Where I Am Now:
- THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD:
- I Have A Job, Suppose To Work Tomorrow....My Daughter Has Just Be Awarded Student Of The Month And Has A Big Thing At School Tomorrow... Crushes Her If I Cant Go..Which Makes Me Hate My Job And That I Have To Go Even More. ... Knowing That The Pay That I Am Making Is SHIT! For The Experience And License I Hold And Have Had For Almost A Decade Now. My Boyfriend, Also Whom I Work With, And I Am Trying To Have A Future With, In The Process Of Buying A House With... Says He Doesnt Look Down On My For Not Working Or If I Call Off.. But What Kind Of Woman Am I If To Him It Looks As Though I Am So Irresponsible That I Can Just NOT Go To Work... Knowing That I Have Bills To Pay... ME? I Rationalize Everything.... But Is It Right Or Wrong?
- I DONT WANT TO WORK, IM NOT HAPPY THERE..IM NOT HAPPY NOW!!!!!!!!!! COULD I SCREAM IT ANY LOUDER???
- ALSO....What If I Go To Work, Not In My Right Mind And Do Something To Unintentionally Hurt Someone Else....Say The Wrong Thing B/C There Is No Filter Process...................
- Okay, So Im Telling My Self..(And You Who Read This).. I Ran Out Of My Meds About 3 Weeks Ago..Prior To Running Out, I Called My Doc To Schedule An Appt Because I Felt As Though An Increase Was Needed....Didnt Feel As Tho It Was Working Like It Should..So Not Only Was It Not Working Then...I Have Been Completely Off Of Meds For 3 Weeks...Quadroupal Wammy!!! I Have An Appt On Thursday, Which Is ONLY 2 Days Away..But For Me Its An Eternity....................... So Much Could And Is Going On In The Next 48 To 72 Hours That Could Ultimately Change My Lifes Path ....... Work..... Relationship.... Kids... Finances ..... Health..... And The List Goes On....
- When Im Medicated On A Daily Basis With The Right Meds..I Am Pretty Much A Normal Person, I Function Perfectly And Not A Soul Would Know Any Different.... I Am A Happy, Wonderful, Loving Mother, Foster Mom, And Friend/Companion. I Always Have More On My Plate Than Most And 9 Times Out Of 10 People Say To Me "I Dont Know How You Do It".. I Always Keep Myself Busy.. Love Being OCD Because My House Is Alway Clean And Organized...Now Im Being Told I Am Too OCD That It Is More Of A Problem Than A Good Thing... I Never Thought Of It That Way Until Someone Actually Brought It To My Attention..That I Might Actually Be Doing More Harm Than Good, Especially To My Children!!! NOPE!! I Cant Allow That, So Now What?
- DOES ANYONE GET IT? HOW AM I GOING TO GET THRU THE NEXT 72 HOURS WITHOUT LOSING EVERYTHING!
- .. And Even Once I Get Back On My Meds..There Is Still That Time Period Of It Working.............I Just Dont Know What To Do................
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