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what to do???

Super confused and dont know where to turn!!! My son is almost a year and the anxiety and depression seems to get worse and worse! I feel that I have no support group, dont want to worry my mom she has enough stress in her life, my best friend is a single monther with 3 kids and my fiance maybe ex fiance doesnt have any clue what im going through!! I feel like I'm dying inside and cant seem to help myself! I feel like depression is still so taboo that people think its psychosematic!! I've been drinking and drinking to help cope with my feeling but it only helps for a bit! I'm very weary about taking meds because I dont want to become addicted, and feel numb! I have the thought of suicide in my mind daily, but then have the image of my son motherless  and it breaks my heart. I feel worthless, unworthy and useless! I know if my son wasnt here, my fiance and I wouldn't be together. We've been together 10 years and are just so invested in the relationship finacially that it would be to difficult to get out, so its just easier to stay! He use to make me feel like a superstar in the beginnig but that tends to wear off after a couple of years. Dont get me wrong I love him to pieces but he doesnt make me feel special, pretty or worthy! We argue about who can watch our child because I'm so protective of him, the thought of leaving him with people other than my parents terrifys me to the point of a full blown anxiety attack. So as a result we just stay home to avoid the bickering of who can watch our child, so we go nowhere rarely! I feel as if Im in this journey alone and have nowhere to turn, I think eventually Im going to have a nervous breakdown!!!

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