I have has depression and axiety for a long time. I have moments where, I am okay and covering up my sadness isn't as hard as it is other times, but lately nothing seems good enough. When I was 17, my mother addmittied me to a childrens mental rehabilitations center, where I was suppose to "find my inner self." Honestly, all that place was, was a waste of money. I was there for 4 months, and all I got out of it was the urge to never play dodgeball again. I am not 21, and just moved to Idaho, where my mother lives with her new family after remarrying. I thought moving here would help my depression, because in Montana, I was always alone. Ever since I got here, it has been struggle after struggle. Her "new family," is great, but it makes me feel lost. my 14 year old step brother, already has a racing career in NASCAR lined up for him, my other 22 year old step brother is into Rodeo and is getting married, and the oldest of the three has a modeling career going. So, here I am. I just moved here to find life outside of Montana, and so far, all I can see is the comparrision. I have nothing potential happening for me. I moved home with my parents, and we are consitnately fighting. I have two jobs, but according to my mother its not enough, and I'm surrrounded by all these potential siblings, who have everything going for them, and all I have is a CNA certification, that I don''t even want anymore. I have a passion for photography, but in order to go into that you must have an outspoken personalilty, and the drive to make it work, in which I worry that my marketing skills are slim to none, and the ability to have the conifence in my work is definately out of the picture.

Coming from a mother in healthcare, she thinks there is a cure for everything. There must be some sort of medication that can sure your unhappiness. Am I the only one who wants to scream at the top of my lungs when someone tells me that I am so mental, that maybe medication can cure you? Seriously? I am not mental, I am depressed. I am lost in life, and have no sense of direction and you think medication is going to cure my problems? Why should I take medication, when the problem has nothing to do with what nureons are connecting to whatever. This is about all the fights I get in with my mother, about how working two jobs and doing more chores aroung the house then she does, is never good enough. I wipe elderly assses for a living, but god forbid if its good enough. Its a dead end job, and it doesn't make me any more secure about my life when I am constantly being reminded. I was going to school for social work and sign language, but being a double major isnt good enoguht for a family who has a professional NASCAR racer in the making, and a expert in Rodeos. Oh, and not to mention, my sister who lives in Flordia is a scienctist at the University of Flordia. Yeah, the study the cure of cancer.

So what do I have to do to be good enough? I continue to try to make her happy, but all we do is fight. I have thought about everything from being a social worker, to a photographer, to a cullinary chief, but she always finds the negitive in each category. I am pretty sure if I became a heart surgeon, it still wouldn't be enough. So how do I tell her, that the half of my depression comes from her inability to accept my standard life  style. I'm not a model, I don't rist my life on a bull or a car going 100mph around a left hand turn, and I am not cut out to study the cure of cancer, so what do I do, when everything around me sets higher expecations then my medeocer life. I want to be normal, not famous. But thats not good enough. Its never good enough. I may  make life harder by not accepting what my mom would call "the easy road," but its how I live. So who can I make her understand that this is the easy road for me, and all I need is her acceptance.