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I am so angry, I fly off the handle at the littlest thing but to me, at the time it's not little. I feel like i'm actually going out of my mind.

I went to work on Friday night at a bar, it's the first time i've been back since Christmas, i had an ok day on Friday and I desperatly need the money so thought why not. I really regret it because it just reminded me of how pathetic i am and how shit my situation actually is. I had an ok night but i am still paying for it now, i am just completely knackerd, it just exhausted me. I feel like crap now. What doesn't help is the fact my sister mopes around. I say 'mope' she has a serious history of depression as well but she just makes me angry. It's very unlike me, but then maybe its not, i dont even know who me is. But i don't have any empathy for her, i feel like i should but i just dont care it just makes me angry to see her down and grumpy it makes me SO ANGRY. I can't explain why but it does. 

Im also angry because i'm so bored but there is nothing i can do that will catch my interest there is nothing i enjoy anymore. i cant even sleep well. im just going out of my mind here. i cant concentrate i couldnt care less about anything.  

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You know what, i feel so angry and dissatisfied when I read over my previous diary entries(not only my online ones) because they don't even come close to expressing how i really felt at the time and how intense it is.

Depression is such a hard 'thing' to explain. It takes over everything. I can't remember the last time I cried, (apart from the other night where i got so paraletic that i threw up for the whole of the next day and was unable to keep water down- which btw my counseller thinks is another form of self harm) but yeah i havent been able to cry for a long time because i have just felt completely numb. I can remember what feeling sad feels like but i dont feel it i dont feel anything, im just numb. It's like i am beyond feeling sad any more, sad is an understatement. However saying that, my parents had planned to take me out this evening so it took me the whole day to prepare myself and make sure i was ready. It's as if i can only do one thing at a time now. If i am up at 10am and i have to be out by 7pm I worry and panic and am on edge until the time i have to leave. I make sure i'm ready physically and mentally i cant focus on anything but that. Anyway, I managed to have a bath and wash my hair which, as i already mentioned is a huge struggle for me at the moment as i couldnt care less, i know i look like crap but i feel even worse. ISo after my shower i put jeans and a favourite top of mine on and went downstairs. I was feeling a little better, more fresh and revived but as soon as i looked in the mirror it all changed.

I looked in the mirror and i saw a fat ugly pale weak feeble girl standing there. And instead of feeling 'meh well no surprise there thats just how you are' i actually felt a huge wave of sadness come flooding over me. I felt i had made his effort (and it was a massive effort) to try and 'pull myself together' to get clean and fresh and presentable to go out and i felt a bit better but when i looked in the mirror, this weak and feeble image did not reflect the huge effort i had put into feeling even a little bit better. And I think that was the point i felt really really saddened by my complete hopelessness and helplessness. I sat down and looked out the window and it was a beautiful day, the sky was a lovely light blue the sun was shining it really was a gorgeous day and for the first time in a long time i felt genuinly 'sad' at the situation i am in. It felt very strange at first, being able to feel this sadness as usually it is numbed out, i dont care enough to be sad, but it creeped up on me and as i realised what it was and i realised my situation, the tears started to come and it was hard at first to express them and let them out but eventually they came flooding out and i was sobbing and crying about my pathetic situation, i was crying for the fact i was trapped not only in the house on a beautiful day but that i am TRAPPED inside me, with this feeling that is never going to go away. Looking at this gorgeous day through the window was such a metaphor for my entire life and i think it just overwhelmed me.

I say 'sad' in quotation marks because i think it gets thrown about a lot, it seems to me quite a childish word. But today, when this happened to me, the only way i can describe that feeling is of real and true sadness. Maybe it is a childish word, but then again things for children tend to be quite simple and the word sad is very simple. However when you have experienced feeling sad you can understand how INTENSE that feeling is.

I wish I could find a place to escape to when i was feeling utter shit. I wish there was somewhere i could go to just get away from this feeling or something i could do to stop it. Self harm works momentarily but it only adds to this feeling of guilt that i am already racked with. The most depressing thing is that i already know the answer. The reason there is nowhere i can escape to in order to rid these feelings is because no such place exists. No matter where i go i will have these feelings because the problem isn't the place, it is me. Really I need to re phrase my wish, which truly is a wish as it is never going to happen. I wish i could escape from myself.

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Going home

Well, work has been awful these past couple of days. I'm only a waitress but i've been really struggling. I spilt a drink on a customer twice, it just dont know whats wrong with me. I can't concentrate or anything. So yeah im not going back to work, my dads coming to pick me up today and take me home.

Its gonna be weird living at home, and im worried about not going back to uni. I mean i cant even do a good job at being a waitress how am i gonna get a degree and get a good job. I feel awful, im tired i cant be bothered to pack i cant be bothered to cook anything, im just eating chocolate that was on my desk.

im scared that this is how it is for me, that its never gonna get better and that im just gonna carry on living this horrible feeling-less life.

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So tired

Well this is my first blog. I have kept diaries in the past and find it very therapeutic but these days i find the thought of picking up a pen and writing, such an overwhelming task as most things are to me now.

After sleeping in i have managed to get up have a bath and wash my hair, but now i am exhausted it has taken all my energy just to have a wash. So back in bed i am fighting this tiredness. It is exhausting.

I am sending of the form today to withdraw from university. It is too much for me to cope with right now. I want to move back home and be with my mum.  However it is going to be hard as i am already commited to living in this house next year so i am going to be paying for a house i am not living in??? its too much for me to think about. but i have to. i have a part time job and it would pay for the house but i want to go back home, i dont want to stay here just so i can work. people at work are noticing and keep asking if im ok i dont like that, my mask is wearing thin.

I told my friends which is a huge step for me. they were so lovely about it and really unerstanding which has really helped. i dont have to lie to them about where i am going when i go to see my counsellor.

I am fighting to keep my eyes open i shouldn't be this tired i only got up not long ago. I feel so weak and helpless. I am probably hungry but i just cannot muster the energy to make food. I dont care about eating at the moment.

Work rang and asked me to go in tonight. I might go, only for the money. Money is important right now i am not going to have any when i move back home.

Well that is all for now im going to sleep for a bit.

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