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Dominos

Life is like dominos, always falling down.

I don't quite know how to begin.  I started this blog first revealing a lot of details of my life, but it read like I was trying to prove something.  I scraped that and started over.  The next time I seemed to be attempting to sound profound.  I scraped that one, too.  I am in a deep funk caused in part by me--who I am--and by things I've done and in part by events outside my control.  I am not in deep dispair, wanting to end it all.  Frankly, I am tired that nothing ever goes right.

I am a reasonably intelligent, 56-year-old man.  I've earned a couple of degrees.  I taught a while.  But, I chose degrees that have little consequence in finding that elusive yield that I named this blog after.  Money.  Money is the basis of most evil acts in this world, and really it is not that important.  You can be happy as a lark with eight cents to your name and ready to commit suicide with trillions of dollars at your disposal.  What I think about money is what I feel most of us think--I want enough not to have to struggle without it.  I don't want great wealth, but I don't want to fret about my rent and food on the table.  I dedicated this blog to the Root of All Evil because with way the economy is, the newest and oldest evil contributing to many of our depressions.

My story goes way back, as you would guess since I'm middle-aged.  Many dominos have already fallen, the things I said that never seem to go right.  The newest domino came at the close of last year.  For five years, I worked two jobs, neither in teaching, to keep my family going.  My part time job laid me off.  This came when my wife is facing medical expenses to resolve intense pain she has been feeling for several months.  There is nothing I can do to relieve that pain (diverticulosis) beyond the empathy and love I have for her, but two Tylenols can actually ease more pain than all the empathy I have.  I am left with that other thing, paying for it.  Health care in the US is ridiculous.   Bills are already mounting and my earnings have dropped by a third.  Finding a part time job that fits into the hours I need for my full time one is tougher than finding a full time job.  I am lost and don't know what to do.

Add to these stresses that I am facing my 57th birthday soon.  I was smart enough to earn a BA in journalism in the 70s and an MFA in English in the 80s, but neither degree is helping find a job.  Then, I continue realizing how little I've accomplished with all the tools that were given me.  Many people my age have the means to help their kids getting going in this world, have a decent car, have some plan for retirement.  I can't worry about funds for retirement when I don't know if I'll have funds for rent and food.

The 95% of Americans who control the 5% of American prosperity all should be depressed.  I'm getting on a soap box now.   We de-regulated industry and banking in the 80s, allowing a financial coup de tat of the US and UK governments.  I like President Obama, but his words or even actions cannot overcome the fact that he selected a Secretary of Treasury with the same economic ties that every Secretary since Reagan has had.  Unemployment is slowly edging better, apparently, but I still cannot find a job to keep my family afloat.  I am sure that is true for many of you.

So I sit here in a funk.  Trying and failing, the same as when I was in high school a thousand years ago and I could ask a girl out, the same as when I was in college getting a degree I could not find a job for, the same as when I working at a grocery to save money for a second degree, the same as when I was conversing with the snobby literate elite, the same as I was when I took an adjunct teaching job so the college could avoid giving me benefits, the same as I was when part of that job closed down around me as the department reorganized, the same I was ten years ago in bankruptcy.  These are the high points of my life--the details are too depressing.  Dominos.

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