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Nobody.

When I need someone most, all anyone does is treat me like shit. How come I'm expected to be there for everyone and NOBODY reciprocates. It's not fair. It's not fair that I'm alone in everything. That all of this shit happens to me. How the fuck am I supposed to deal with everything alone. If these are really "the best days of my life" like everyone says: I DON'T want to know what the rest will be like. All I ever wanted was someone to be here for me. Someone to hear my cries. Nobody cares now, who says they'll care when I'm gone? The only reason anyone would care then would be because they didn't do anything. They'd all feel guilty. Nobody knows the real me. And nobody bothers to try to.

Fear.

I'm not afraid of death. It's life I'm afraid of. People. Sick of the pain, the fight, the suffering. And for what? For a mother than thinks of me as a huge disappointment? That blames her life being so horrible on me, a daughter that tries her best? A sister that doesn't even talk to me anymore? A father that would rather do drugs than care about his children? "Friends" that treat me like shit; only come to me when they need something, because they know I'll be the one to be there. Why can't I have somebody for me like I am for them? Why are there so few people in this world who actually care? Why does nobody feel bad for their actions? Is it horrible that I kind of hope they'll blame themselves? I mean, it's their words and actions that hurt me so bad. It may be selfish for someone to take their own life, but I think it's more selfish to force them to stay in all their misery. There's no way for anyone to know how bad someone is suffering on the inside. And even if they tell you, and talk about it, you'll NEVER feel their emotions. It'll never effect you the way it does them. You will never understand me and I will never understand you. And that scares me. All I need is one person. Just one, to be there when I need them. To care for me, to love me. I thought I had my mom, then she told me that she leaves all the time to escape the shitty life I give her here. How can I be so horrible? What do I do so wrong? I just don't understand. I'm afraid to let myself feel anything because all I ever get is let down.

Stress.

Stress makes everything so much worse.
It makes me break out, makes me tired which causes less work to be done which makes me stress more, it makes things hard.
"You're 17, what've you got to stress about?!" I HATE that. Exactly; I'm 17, I need a job, I have to worry about getting all of my work done for classes, internship, apply for college and all of the things that go along with that.
Sometimes I wish I had a good friend that I could talk to about anything. Someone that I could go to that knows they can come to me as well. It's horrible knowing that I don't have a single friend to help me through everything.
I was best friends with this guy. We dated, and before that we intended to go to college together. Even after he said he'd still go with me. Well, we stopped talking pretty much. Now I guess he has other plans, I'm left to go all alone. I have no friends, and I'm not sure I'll be able to make any.
Everything is so scary, I don't know how to do it. I'm afraid I'll fail miserably like I have with everything else.
I failed English last year because I missed class so much, due to my mom being in the hospital, then this year I got stuck with the same teacher who I thought hated me. I had to maintain a 75 or higher for half the year, and I'd be done with the class. Well, the last few days of the marking period were when my dad went into a coma, and I hadn't handed anything in. I expected to be stuck in the class for the rest of the year, it turns out he gave me a 75 so I didn't have to. I went and I thanked this teacher, he said "I heard you were going through rough times, it's okay, you don't have to stay in here all year." That was the nicest thing anyone other than my mom has done for me in a long time.
Things like that give me hope, but hope is dangerous.

There's one thing I want out of life: To find someone, fall in love, and have children. Children manage to put a smile on my face, and help me with all of the pain. I want my own though. They can give you this love so unconditional, that nobody else can. I'd raise that child right, and I'd treat it the best.

If you're reading this, you're probably thinking I'm silly and that it's not right to think about this at such a young age. At least all I'm doing is thinking about it. I'm a virgin, and I intend to save it for the right person. I feel as though it's the most immense gift you can give to somebody. It's not necessarily a religion thing with me. It's just what I want. I could be one of those girls that gets pregnant right now, and thinks she's in love with someone who's just going to leave me. That's another thing: in most situations a child won't just leave you. I don't intend to give mine a reason to want to leave me. I'm going to wait until I'm financially stable, with somebody who wants the same thing as I do.

I'm rather new to this website, and I'm not sure how everything works yet. But all of you should know, I'm a good listener if you need to talk.
If you have comments about anything, or questions, or anything you want to know, don't be afraid to comment.

Anxiety.

You make for hard breathing and bring depression on harder.
I've never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety for real; doctors cost a lot of money and I can't bring myself to have my mom who has cancer or my drug addict dad to take me to one. My mom knows everything. All about my depression. I feel awful that she has to deal with this. I'm such a burden, in so many ways.
I'm 17 years old.
I can't bring myself to go to school anymore. I know I'm ruining my "future". Honestly, school makes me freak out. I don't like being around all those people. I've missed so much, I'll never catch up. I'm in my last half of my senior year, and it's hard to even go. Teachers scare me, I haven't done my homework because I've no ambition. This is all so hard.
It's hard knowing that you've failed yourself, and that your parents feel like shit because of it. I hate doing this to my mom. I wish she understood so that she wouldn't feel bad if she does. That's what I'm most afraid of: being such a burden on my mom. I know there's always somebody out there worse off than myself, and I feel empathy toward them, and would do anything to make it better for them, but it's hard when you feel as bad as I do all the time.
It's too hard, I just need somebody to prove to me that things can be different, that things change. I need someone to prove that things get better, because all that's been proven to me is that they get worse.

Hope?

I oughta not care so much. I shouldn't make assumptions. Everyone hurts me. Be careful; don't let your feelings get to you. Don't love everybody- nobody reciprocates. Be careful. Be careless. Be happy. Laugh lots. Figure out who you are. Don't be a bitch. Don't show who you really are, crazy bitch. Find someone real. Be careful. Become a cat lady...just buy yourself lots of stuffed animals. Do good in school...you're failing. Go to Ireland..pipedream.
It's impossible not to feel like I'm worthless. Like there is a point to my presence on this earth. Things you want..things you strive for, have always failed. Why do you think that could chage? You're learning. You're slowly learning that you will always be disappointed. That working for things is absolutely pointless. That everytime you try for something, you fail. It's hard. It's hard when the only person that's reletively there for you is your mother who has cancer. Used to be a daddy's girl, now all he cares about is drugs. Then when he almost dies and goes into a coma, you still care? You cry your eyes out and hope he's okay? How does that work, hope? It makes absolutely no sense to me. It comes at the worst possible time. It's the worst drug. It builds you up, and tears you down fast. Without it, everything is gone, with it you're left waiting for everything to be gone. It's a lose-lose. Hope is a dangerous thing; the sooner you learn that, the better.
I close my eyes and I cry. Pretending that everything's okay has never been so near to impossible. My hopes and dreams all shattered. Two years is all it took, for me to become an utter failure. Not that it was unexpected. Everyone knew this would happen to me. It's no surprise to anybody. I used to have it all, everything used to be okay. That was a long time ago. I was just a little girl then. Growing up is not easy. If I had one thing to say to any child in this world it's to remain as innocent as possible for as long as you can. Stay young, and naive. Things get so hard before you know it. Innocence is beauty.
The pointlessness of this all. Living life to be miserable. So sad, all the time. Crying yourself to sleep every night. Not knowing if you'll bring yourself to get out of bed the next morning. I make no difference to this world. Not a single one, and once the few people that know me are gone, so would every single memory of me. Nobody will know who I was, why I was, or how I was. Why waste time living so unhappily, for nobody. People don't care: one thing I honestly don't understand. A stranger. Somebody I've never met. I'd give anything to make you happy, because Hell, it may bring me temporary joy. If I can't make myself happy, I'd gladly make somebody else happy. I would give anything for anyone, because that's who I am. What hurts, is that nobody else seems to be like that. I won't be happy. There are so many unfillable voids in me, I don't even know where to look for help in that.
I don't like when people tell me everything will be okay. You don't know. Nobody knows, so just stop. Nobody is me. NOBODY CARES. Not a single person in the world knows, and there's no way anyone could.
Nothing in this world is okay, and everything seems to be getting worse. All of this empty sadness brought on by..I don't even know what. That's the hard part: not knowing.

It's nobody's fault but mine own, I don't want people to blame themselves for my sadness. If there's anyone who might care enough to do so.
What's wrong with me?
I'm nothing.
Nobody.

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