B*

It's so dark sometimes! like today........ I cant function, can't think, eat or sleep. I want to write it all out, but i can't. I can feel my mind get worse, I can feel myself going crazy. I just wish there was someone i could call. Someone who I can ask for help!

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've become
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
A little voice is whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found my self listening

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon me
All I know is that I should

'Cause who will love you more then I could?
he who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon me
All I know is that I should

'Cause who will love you more then I could?
he who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me then any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is more than I can take

'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon me
All I know is that I should
'Cause who will love you more then I could?
he who dares to stand where I stood
he who dares to stand where I stood.

 

I know exactly how you feel. Wake up and think about the hours you have until it becomes acceptable to get back in the bed. Wake up and think about the closest way to distracting yourself. If I do this I will be tired, I can nap. I want to stay out of public, I want to blend in, I want to disappear and be invisible. Be able to walk through the streets without anyone seeing a thing.

I want to hide from the sun and not let today happen. Every day thinking getting out of bed was a bad idea, wishing you never let today roll through. "The best part of waking up, is knowing you can go back to sleep in 12 hours".

I know how it feels to be empty and hollow like a walking void staring into a white background. I know what you mean when you're begging, why does everyone else do it all. I don't want to go to school, or work, because once I have the house or car I will just sit in it and see the same white background, its all a distraction.

I know how it feels to be tired all of the time, and to be alone throughout 80 sometimes 100% of your day, then weeks, then months.

I know how it feels to make sarcastic jokes so people think you're always the happy, okay one. To smile and be so lost in playing the pleasing role, it isn't until you're back alone you realize how drained and fake you were really being.

I also know how it feels to emerge from it, you never really forget, but you block some of it out, and you learn to cope. Re-learn how to see, feel and operate. When the bed stops being the numbing agent to life, and becomes the designated place of rest instead.

Yes I know it hurts, yes I know it's different for you, and yes I understand there is nothing left, but I know that the white background finds color and the distraction takes on a life of its own. For the greatest joys of living, which is you, are within living itself.

Posted by Jane : Apr 17, 2011

 

Lately all ive been hearing is "be strong", "it will be better", "everything happens for a reason" and "the world is a beautiful place". But it's not! Things aren't and the world is messed up. We tell ourselves so much bulshit to try and get us through the day, take away the pain and understand all the confusion and confliction (good and bad) in our lives, but it's not right. The world isn't a beautiful place. It's fucked up and it's creul and it's only placed with beautiful things and moments as a deceit to make us feel like we want to be here, like we have a choice. But we don't! And i couldnt imagine that if we did most of us would still be here.

 I once saw somewhere "There is no magic in the world" and the statement holds more truth to it then we could ever imagine. My magic's gone, all of it! And now more than ever i feel like there's nothing ill ever be able to do to get it back.

Im all alone in this world, we all are one way or another. Some of us are just give a facade of friends, family, understanding, confidence or some kind of hypocracy to either lie to us or save us from the truth.

I single handeldy managed to screw up evertything in my life and the only thing i thought i ever really did ok with is gone- vanished! and now i dont know if i ever really had it in the first place.

My magic was the good in me, the part that succeeded, that could work, that was normal and that was happy.  I said it before! This will kill me, one way or another. And i no longer feel like i belong here or can stay here anymore. There's no more magic left in the world. 

There's no more magic left in me.  

Wow!! I am so tired....of everything! You would think you would get used to always being so tired especialy if its been happening for a couple of years now, but it still gets me. And no matter how much i try i'm still stuck in this rut!!!!! But atleast i'm going home soon.. Boarding school is hard and i have no one i can trust and talk to. I cant wait to get back home to the sun and my parents, atleast it has become easier for me to pick out some good things.. i used to always be stuck in this dark hole. I must say i have improved- especially this year. I guess my therapist was right, this is something i will always have to work on, everyday for the rest of my life.