What is wrong with me? Why am I so horrible? So pathetic? A few days without him and I'm losing my mind. I feel so alone. My friends (all two of them) can't be bothered with me most of the time, and the only person who even seems to care most of the time is home sick. I can't see him, and I can't talk to him. No one else can bother with me. They see my messages, know I'm trying to contact them, but they can't be bothered to respond, and if they do, it's for a few messages, then they disappear without an explanation. They see me at school, but only talk to me if something goes wrong in their lives, and they need someone to bitch to. I fucking relapsed last night, and she could only be distracted from her own shit for all of five minutes tops. Then back to more complaints about how many problems were going on in her life. Message someone, and they saw the message hours ago and couldn't be bothered to respond. Just what I need. More proof of how little people care about me. Not that I blame them. I don't care about me either, I'm such a piece of shit. They probably all hate me as much as I hate myself. Sometimes it seems like I should just kill myself and be done with it. Save everyone the hassle of pretending to care about me any longer, not that most of them have been putting that much effort into it lately anyways. They all seem to have given up on me, why shouldn't I give up on myself? The only thing that seems to be holding me here is that he at least seems to still care, at least for now. I'm sure he'll see me as I am soon enough, but until then, I can't hurt him by ending my pathetic existence. I love him too much for that.

I have to get up in six and a half hours, and I'm afraid that if I lay down and try to sleep I'll have a break-down and relapse, but staying up doesn't seem to be working either. I keep feeling worse and worse, and I need someone I can talk to, but there's no one. I'm sitting here, crying and thinking of suicide, and nobody knows, and part of me keeps wondering if they'd care if they did know.

How long until you see that I'm not good enough for anyone, let alone someone like you? You're so amazing that it's hard to imagine anyone deserving you, let alone someone as broken as me. I love you so much, but I can't help but expect you to realize that you're too good for me and move on. How long until you see me the way most people do, the way I see myself? You say forever, but do you mean it? How can I let myself hope to have you forever, when I feel like I'm holding you back, keeping you from finding someone who really does deserve you? I love you, and I'm too selfish to willingly give you up, but one day you'll see me as I am, and I'll have too let you go.