oleander

Im here, that in itself is an accomplishment. You may wonder at the name of the blog. Why Oleander? I have been so depressed and suicidal, and feeling like I amonly hurting everything around me. The only thing that was making me feel like I had some amount of control in my life was researching suicide. I know that must sound strange, but in a strange way it gave me a little peace that I could have at least that much control.  How could a flower so pretty, even the name oleander is pretty, be such poisen.  Thats how I feel, like I am poisen to everything around me.  I want so much for the pain to stop. I am holding on for my kids but its so hard, I feel so lost. My husband and I are having so much problems right now, he wants to hold me and I want to cringe, and its nothing he did, its what I did, and how i let it fester for so long, i dont know if i can love him anymore and it hurts so much to see him hurting, i dont want to hurt him, but i dont know anymore, i dont know if i can love anymore, i have hurt so many and i hurt so much and im so lost. im sooo tired. Every day is a new torture, every day is a new pain, he cries all the time and its killing me and i still cant feel.

this is day two on new depression med and i dont like the way its making me feel, like all keyed up and shakey, im hoping it calms down, i dont want to feel like this all the time, this is almost as bad as the depression.