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welcoming the emptiness

so finally i have to admit to the whole world that there's such a deep-well of sadness lurking inside me.no matter what facade i put up in front of the whole world, i am a lonely soul.at this moment having lost all my dreams,knowing that there's no place for my dreams under the sun i am left wondering whether i myself have any place on this earth.this was not the first time that i have contemplated suicide,but this was the 1st time i researched methods to commit suicide.honestly thats the only future i can envisage for myself.that makes me look like a heartless coward i know.but in these 22 years i have known disasters that even 100 year olds might not know.and i dont even know what being young and just 22 means.i thought my mom and dad are my biggest support but they dont even realize what they are doing to me.i know they want to protect me.but i have to make my share of mistakes to learn how to live.they cant keep me locked in the house to keep me safe.i know i make life altering blunders and i am not the best judge of things but that doesnt mean i cant live or dream ever again.the one thing,the most beautiful thing in my life-my oasis was what was keeping me tethered to my sanity and away from my anxiety disorders.but is it so wrong to want to reach out and touch that dream?i know the way to my dream is not suitable for me.but which dream is safe i ask you.they say what i want to do is unnecessary and pointless.it must seem so to them.but its everything to me.and most importantly i am never going to shirk my duties for my dreams.still i am not allowed to dream.so hell i have decided to let go of every hope in me.i wont dream again,or laugh or be happy.i will steer clear of colours,of beauty.i cant hurt my parents.i will hurt myself.i will keep breathing to keep them happy.but i will be an empty shell.i let myself,the girl i have known all my life blow away in the wind to meet her dreams.the human body will be here to do her duties,waiting for blessed release one day.coz there's only that much loss that a heart can take.death looks welcoming,smiling,happy.
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