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Depression Does Not Define Me

Depression does not define who I am.  I did not choose depression.  It chose me.  How I handle my depression is my choice.  I choose to listen to my physician who tells me what I feel is not within the boundaries of "normal".  I choose to take the medication she prescribes to me because I also believe my depression is out of control.  I choose not to look at my life as doomed.  I choose to look for hope in every day.  I choose to give myself time to heal from events that are very painful.  I choose to withdraw from people who expect too much from me and I find it absolutely healthy and necessary to distance myself from family or friends or anyone who is cancerous to my soul.  Sometimes these people have to be cut from my  life temporarily or permanently.  I choose to forgive because often I need forgiveness myself.  But I also set boundaries and when my boundaries have been trespassed I make a stand.  I have to make that stand because no one will make it for me.  I have to tell others when they have trespassed or they may never know.  I cannot assume that everyone should know when they have trespassed because others before me may have never taken the stand with them.  When they continue to trespass mindlessly, they have to go.  They do not belong with me.

I must be my best friend. I must love myself.  I must demand love and never beg for it.  I am worthy of being loved just the way I am. I do not have to be smarter, prettier, wealthier, or thinner.   I will not accept imitation love that tries to negatively change me or push me to be anything I am not.  But I embrace love that challenges me to reach new heights and pursue new interests that will allow me to bloom.  It is never selfish to demand exactly what I, myself,  invest in relationships.

There are many images of depression that others might hold onto in their minds.  And Depression might be described accurately in each of those images. But my depression can only be described my me.  So when I try to define my depression, you must listen.  I need you to hear me.  I don't need advice, I just need to know you are willing to listen and stay by my side.

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I am new to this website and new to blogging.  But I want and need an outlet where I can be totally honest.  I don't want to "sugar coat" depression or pretend that all is okay when it isn't.  I want to be an honest voice for depression and other issues that have really taken their tolls on my life.  I have been through a lot. I can truthfully say, there are few things I have not witnessed. I will not pretend to have all the answers to life's questions, because I am still looking for them myself.  But I want to give you a window into my life and when you take a peek, see if you can relate in some way.

Let's begin with where I am.  I am lying in bed, with Christian music playing softly in the background.  (Christian music is very relaxing and important to me.)  But don't worry, I am not going to give you a sermon on what to do or what not to do.  My loyal dog, Be Be is beside me, chewing on a soft toy reindeer she got for Christmas.  Beside me is a nightstand, with eight empty Diet Coke cans, four large diet coke cups from McDonalds, three empty Diet Snapple Tea bottles, a radio, lamp, my antidepressant (Cymbalta), some Pepto Bismol, Migraine medicine (Treximet), some body lotion and my cell phone.  No, I did not drink all of that in one day.  Days have gone by and I have not emptied my trash.  Why?  Because something as simple as that has been more than I am able to do.  Lazy?  No.  I have worked very hard all my life.  I have prided myself with a clean house and organization.  Depression has nothing to do with laziness, or lack of organization.  In my bed, I have my Bible, A guide to Toontown (I love playing that game) and a catalog.  My dog threw up in my bed this morning and it is now 10:00 at night and I have not changed my sheets.

I have not bathed in about a week.   Definitely not a sign of me as I have always been well put together.  My teethe need to be brushed.  I need deodorant and my hair is definitely dirty.  But with all this need, I cannot seem to make myself get up and bathe.  I am wearing pants that should be thrown out.  They have a whole in them and a tank top.

I look forward to two things every day:  seeing my dog and petting her.....and watching my fish.   One of my female guppies had fry and I look forward to seeing them develop each day.  I thrust myself out of bed to feed them every morning and to see how they have grown.  When I have done that, I go back to bed.

I was born an optimist.  I have always, always looked at things with hope.  This is why it is so, darn hard for me right now.  I give myself pep talks constantly.  I read my Bible, pray and worship God.  I know that this will not last forever.  But I am in such misery right now.  I cling to anything I find hopeful but this is the biggest struggle of my life.

How did I get here?  It was a series of events that lead to my fall.  It would take way to much time to begin right now.  But I hope that in time, it will all come out.  I want it all to come out.....My Story.   There is so much to it.....sexual molestation as a child by two men I should have been able to trust.  Eating disorders that stemmed from trying to be perfect, being a "beauty queen", and using food as a form of comfort.   After being comforted, I felt the need to release, release all the pain and sorrow.   Holding a horrible family secret inside for many years, one that involved incest, pregnancy, childbirth, murder.  Bullying as a young girl.  Marriage to a man almost double my age.   A marriage that was dominated and controlled by him.  Now separation from him for over a year.  Children?  Yes, two.  They go between dad and me.  When they are with me, my life is all I feel like it should be.  When they are with him,  my life is none of what I ever expected.  I am left with a huge hole in my heart and an ache that cannot be soothed.  The ex still tries daily to control my life with phone calls, words, words, words.  His visits with the children are always extended beyond what he says it will be.  So in that respect, he still has control.

I want to get a job.  I need a job.  But when the kids are here, my time is all tied up.  When they are gone, I need something to fill my time.  What job can you get that allows you to work a lot at  times and none at others.  Anyways, so here is the beginning of my story.  Everyday I will let you in a little more to see life as it is for me.   I hope you will be able to relate and I hope in some way it will help others.  So, until tomorrow, or until my next post, I am holding on to these words, "Who you are, is not what your going through."


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