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My Greatest Ally... Gone

 

It takes nothing these days, it seems, to sends me spiraling downward which then serves as reinforcement to the negative thoughts and perceptions I hold about myself....

...Thoughts and perceptions that have roots so deep I cannot fathom where they begin in my past...

...Thoughts and perceptions that turn my own logic against me....

...Thoughts and perceptions that I have been battling with for as long as I can remember in one form or another...

...Thoughts and perceptions which take advantage of any crack in my defense or any rest I dare take from the fight and use them to reinforce their negative attacks...

...and I have grown tired.

Somewhere, somehow my greatest ally in this fight vanished 4 or 5 months ago.  I kept fighting on though, slipping more and more.  However I passed some sort of thresh hold in August,  despite my best efforts, it feels because I have little memory of the past threeish months.  During this time I have been sleeping a plenty, eating irregularly if at all, and I have stopped communicating with many people including  family and friends.  The only emotions I feel seem to be anger, grief and sadness. I am constantly overwhelmed by a feeling of tiredness and of pointlessness…

Since August I have stopped fighting, stopped resisting the negative thoughts and perceptions… I see no reason to anymore without the only ally I had…hope … gone.

 

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