I haven't posted in over a year...

It's strange to think that it's been so long.  I guess you could say I was doing ok.  I had it out with my bf of a year ago and things have been ok.  I don't love him all the time... I don't think that's a good thing after only a couple of years.  I crave his company if only so I'm not alone.  Other days I wish I could just leave him in the night, start over someplace new.

Then again, I feel like that when I'm single too.  Leave in the night.  Never to call my friends again, or set foot in this city again, or face running into my past as I so often do...I owe taxes that I can't afford to pay.  I am trying to find a new job (I recently got a certification in healthcare work) but it's been over a month with no luck despite having sent out at least 40 applications.  Some places don't even bother replying to me...  And my love life... well... what do you do with rollercoaster emotions.  I'm wearing him thin.  I'm wearing myself even thinner.  I don't know how he can love me, or if he even truly does anymore.  I'm a mean drunk sometimes.  I'm a paranoid girlfriend because I don't have any self worth and instead of trusting until that trust is broken I make him prove his loyalty and honesty by doing the worst things.... saying the worst things.

How could anyone love me?  I'm so ugly... I'm needy... I have such low self esteem... I have problems with intimacy because I know I'm not good enough for anyone to love me forever so I just test and push until they leave me, just to prove to myself that I'm easy to leave... it's such a vicious cycle.  And I've been like this for years.  I think I blogged about this in my first post... two years ago...

I'm a repetitive mess of shit.  I'm never going to change.  I've been to therapist after therapist after therapist.  I've been medicated... I've even been better... but I'm back, once again, at the precupice. Longing to get hit by a car, or swept out to sea, or just drop dead of an aneurysm.  I don't really want to die... I think/know that I just want someone to care.  I want PROOF that someone loves me, and that my life isn't worth nothing more than a "oh it's so sad" facebook status. Or five people saying how they miss me only to forget I existed a week later.

I don't have enough money, or love, or self worth, and I hate it here.  I hate being in my own skin.  I know here, in this community, people understand what that's like.  Feeling like you want to run from everything, and everyone, including yourself.  But you can't.  You're trapped in a body you hate, with feelings you can't control, and you want to scream so loudly your lungs explode but you can't so instead you just curl up into a ball in the corner, either in your mind or in an actual corner it doens't matter... and you just cry.  Or it hurts so bad you can't even cry anymore so you just stay still.  And turn everything off.

I don't need antidepressants.  I need a pill that makes me think I'm amazing, and loved, and can work through my problems.  I don't think I'd feel so bad if someone could convince me 'things will get better'.  Or if I could pull the wool over my own eyes and trick myself into thinking that.  That's why I keep my pain a secret, because to everyone else in the world, to the 'normal' people... my life is so good.  On the outside I should smile everyday.  And I do, so they don't ask me stupid questions, like 'why do you feel like this?' or  'don't you know how lucky you are?'... Yes.  I'm lucky.  I know.  I also can't stop this monster eating me alive from the inside.  You've just made me feel guilty, like I'm a bad person for being so unhappy for no reason.  I'll add it to the list...

I have to go to work now.

At least it'll keep me occupied.

He's not right for me.

He's too angry, too selfish, too irresponsible, and can't love me as much as he loves himself.  Which is how I think you're supposed to feel about someone you love.  I was supposed to move in in a couple weeks.  He already made space for my things, and we already talked about money, and my clothes are all here in the closet and in the drawers...

But we got into a fight and I know I'm right, and I also know he will never see it that way.  I'm not a relationship pro.  I'm not good at it more often than I AM good at it... but I know that you're supposed to be partners, that you're supposed to bring out the best in each other, that the person you're with should be unique in your life (make you feel safer, or more confident, or be your best friend, or challenge you in the best way...etc) and not just someone along for the ride.

I'm a good person.  98% of the people I've encountered in my life seem to like me.  People aren't mean to me, or tell me I'm a bad person.  So it's difficult when he tells me I'm selfish for being angry that he was too drunk to pick me up from work in my car after he said he would do so.  So it hurts me when he tells me I've kept him up all night when I did several things specifically not to bother him before his long day at work today.  So it bothers me when his anger is something he feels he doesn't need to control just because he'd never hit me.  Yelling hurts too.  Sometimes, more than a fist ever could, and I know, I've been hit in the past.

I'm sad that I have to find a new place to live now.  I'm sad that I wanted this to work, not completely because I loved him, but because I wanted to have what people around me have.  I want a family someday and with every relationship I have, it seems more and more of a dream and not a possibility.  I think in the back of my head I knew it wouldn't work.  I hoped maybe overcoming those feelings would strengthen the relationship, but I guess the hearts knows best.

I'm so sad though.  I know because of who he is, he won't take responsibility for any of this.  I know that he'll tell his next girlfriend that I'm selfish, overly sensitive, immature, dramatic, insecure... I know he'll mix lies with truth and it won't be fair...

Just the other day I was thinking about my ex before this one.  How it's been a year and I don't even think about him anymore.  I laugh that I wasted all those tears and feelings on someone so bad for me.  I hope that's how I'll feel a year from now.  It's a break up, not a divorce after twenty years, not a loss of a loved one, not even bodily injury.  Just a part of my life that I may not always want to look back on, but that taught me how I want to be loved.   And what I want my future to hold.

That being said... I'm sure in my ensuing depression I'll be on here all the time, just like before.  *sigh*  I've spent so much of my life trying to find something so elusive... maybe this will teach me to stop looking?

I'm not cut out for being in a relationship.  I'm too insecure.  I'm so convinced that my boyfriend is constantly cheating on me, not because he is (he's really really old school about monogamy, AND is really forgetful and would leave a ton of evidence if he was), but because I have low self esteem and I'm positive that he can do better.   And I'm a good girlfriend otherwise so why not have me around and get what you want when I'm not around too...

I know he's faithful in my rational brain, but my irrational brain can't stop from going through his things, getting suspicious, making snide comments when I haven't found anything, and then picking a fight.

He wants me to move in.  He's planning space in the closet for my things, getting the size of my bed to see if it will fit on his bed frame (my bed is better than his and I told him I wouldn't get rid of it), and all of this isn't even going to happen for three more months.  He's planning our future and I'm not sure we'll last that long.  I keep messing up, I can't control myself.

I think I'll be really sad about it when he leaves me.  Mostly because it'll be my fault.  He's no prize, he's jaded, impatient, volatile, stubborn, and has ADD so he never finishes his many many current projects (which isn't so much a personality flaw as it's just really really annoying to me), but I'm... ridiculous.  I'm seeing a therapist but I just think, what if she's wrong?  What if my friends telling me that I'm amazing is only because they don't have to deal with me every day?  What if really... I am a worthless person who is trying really hard to pretend that I'm worth something?

I want to be normal.  I want to know how it's so easy for everyone else to feel so... normal.  I don't understand how relationships work, I don't understand how to make myself work... I just want something to work out for me.  I want something to be easy like it seems to be for everyone else.  He and I wouldn't fight if I could get my shit together, and I know all couples fight, but one person always being the cause isn't healthy.  I'm not healthy and I know he deserves better.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Shouldn't that be the truth?

Once again, my low self-esteem ruins a relationship.   I mean... he hasn't broken up with me yet... but I know he will.  He's too smart to deal with my bullshit.  He's too good to deal with my bullshit.

I wouldn't want to deal with it...

I get jealous easily, because I'm insecure, and I feel like he can do better with every girl he meets.  I look at a girl, literally ANY girl, and I think how much prettier they are than I am.  They may not be smarter but I think they're sooooo pretty and I'm so... ugly.  I hate looking in the mirror.  Even when he tells me I'm sexy I think, he's just got bad taste.  So why wouldn't he love to trade me in for a better model.  Then I think to myself, if I keep exposing my insecurities, he'll leave me for being insecure, which will reaffirm my insecurity.  Like a cycle of self hatred.

He tells me he loves me, he tells me I'm sexy and intelligent and kind and that he respects and admires me... and I just think... what a liar.  I've never been any of those things... well, intelligent, but no man I've ever met dates for brains alone.  Even when I try to be rational, and think, he went 8 years without a girlfriend and then he picked me.  I didn't even ask to be his girlfriend, he asked me if we could be "monogamous" and I was astonished.  Why would someone like him do that?  He's not charming or social enough to be a sociopath, so I don't think he's low enough to get a girlfriend just to fuck her over... It's just my brain telling my emotions to be wrong, and off.

I feel like I'm failing again... and it's funny because my first boyfriend, just a few years ago, I was so confident about and he broke up with me because he said he couldn't stop thinking about other girls.  I feel like if I get comfortable, then I'll jinx everything.  But if I stay uncomfortable, I'm going to drive him away.  I don't want to do that because I see the potential for such a successful relationship... and I see the potential I have to destroy it... The one good thing...

He's not perfect, but I think he compliments me well... and I know if this doesn't work, I'll move on, and he'll move on... but I know that my moving on, is me never dating again.  I won't put myself in a position to ruin anything else.  I'm tired of feeling low, and worthless.  And if I can't keep this relationship afloat, with someone who is good to me, and in all honestly, good for me as well... I'm not deserving of anyone at all.

I've always wanted kids.

I think when I was younger I wanted them because I thought I was supposed to have them.  Everyone got married and had kids right?  Then I got older and went to college and thought, I have all the time in the world, I want kids, but not anytime soon.

Then I met TJ and he has this daughter.  She's incredibly smart, sweet, and absolutely LOVES her daddy even though he's testy sometimes, especially before his coffee.  Even though she only gets to see him once a week, she LOVES her daddy.  And when I talk to him, it seems that the only kind of love he really believes in is that sort of unconditional love a parent has for a child.  If the world came to an end, the first thing he would be concerned about would be her.  Sometimes I get insecure and wonder if he's worry about her mother before he worried about me... but... he says it's over, it was almost a decade ago, and she's a lesbian now... but still... anyway, I digress...

I want that sort of love.  I'll never have to worry about a child 'cheating' on me and finding a new mom.  I'll never have to worry that I'll not be good enough of a person in their eyes (at least not until they're old enough that it won't matter if I was or not).  And I'll always know that I have a purpose in life.  That my reason for living is this tiny person that I made inside me who needs me more than anything, or anyone else.

I'm too poor to have kids right now, but... I really want that to be something that happens to me in the future.  I need a better job, I need a better place to live, I need health insurance, hahaha.  I want to have kids with TJ.  I love him and I think his flaws balance out mine and it would make a well rounded child, I would hope.  I just... I wish I had some sort of foresight that would allow me the comfort in knowing it will happen to me too...

I watched TJ's daughter get picked up by her mom today, and TJ was talking to her and despite her lesbian look, they still looked like a family.   A FAMILY.   A unit of love and care and like... their own private club that no one would ever belong to.  I want my own club.  My own unit.  My own family.  I shouldn't be, but I'm obsessing over it.  I'm obsessing over getting pregnant.  I want it sooooo bad, hahaha, what's wrong with my biological clock?  Why is it suddenly in overdrive at a point in my life when I can't take care of a baby financially?  UGH!  Mother nature needs to calm down... or give me some money first... hahahaha