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I haven't posted in over a year...
It's strange to think that it's been so long. I guess you could say I was doing ok. I had it out with my bf of a year ago and things have been ok. I don't love him all the time... I don't think that's a good thing after only a couple of years. I crave his company if only so I'm not alone. Other days I wish I could just leave him in the night, start over someplace new.
Then again, I feel like that when I'm single too. Leave in the night. Never to call my friends again, or set foot in this city again, or face running into my past as I so often do...I owe taxes that I can't afford to pay. I am trying to find a new job (I recently got a certification in healthcare work) but it's been over a month with no luck despite having sent out at least 40 applications. Some places don't even bother replying to me... And my love life... well... what do you do with rollercoaster emotions. I'm wearing him thin. I'm wearing myself even thinner. I don't know how he can love me, or if he even truly does anymore. I'm a mean drunk sometimes. I'm a paranoid girlfriend because I don't have any self worth and instead of trusting until that trust is broken I make him prove his loyalty and honesty by doing the worst things.... saying the worst things.
How could anyone love me? I'm so ugly... I'm needy... I have such low self esteem... I have problems with intimacy because I know I'm not good enough for anyone to love me forever so I just test and push until they leave me, just to prove to myself that I'm easy to leave... it's such a vicious cycle. And I've been like this for years. I think I blogged about this in my first post... two years ago...
I'm a repetitive mess of shit. I'm never going to change. I've been to therapist after therapist after therapist. I've been medicated... I've even been better... but I'm back, once again, at the precupice. Longing to get hit by a car, or swept out to sea, or just drop dead of an aneurysm. I don't really want to die... I think/know that I just want someone to care. I want PROOF that someone loves me, and that my life isn't worth nothing more than a "oh it's so sad" facebook status. Or five people saying how they miss me only to forget I existed a week later.
I don't have enough money, or love, or self worth, and I hate it here. I hate being in my own skin. I know here, in this community, people understand what that's like. Feeling like you want to run from everything, and everyone, including yourself. But you can't. You're trapped in a body you hate, with feelings you can't control, and you want to scream so loudly your lungs explode but you can't so instead you just curl up into a ball in the corner, either in your mind or in an actual corner it doens't matter... and you just cry. Or it hurts so bad you can't even cry anymore so you just stay still. And turn everything off.
I don't need antidepressants. I need a pill that makes me think I'm amazing, and loved, and can work through my problems. I don't think I'd feel so bad if someone could convince me 'things will get better'. Or if I could pull the wool over my own eyes and trick myself into thinking that. That's why I keep my pain a secret, because to everyone else in the world, to the 'normal' people... my life is so good. On the outside I should smile everyday. And I do, so they don't ask me stupid questions, like 'why do you feel like this?' or 'don't you know how lucky you are?'... Yes. I'm lucky. I know. I also can't stop this monster eating me alive from the inside. You've just made me feel guilty, like I'm a bad person for being so unhappy for no reason. I'll add it to the list...
I have to go to work now.
At least it'll keep me occupied.
