He's not right for me.

He's too angry, too selfish, too irresponsible, and can't love me as much as he loves himself.  Which is how I think you're supposed to feel about someone you love.  I was supposed to move in in a couple weeks.  He already made space for my things, and we already talked about money, and my clothes are all here in the closet and in the drawers...

But we got into a fight and I know I'm right, and I also know he will never see it that way.  I'm not a relationship pro.  I'm not good at it more often than I AM good at it... but I know that you're supposed to be partners, that you're supposed to bring out the best in each other, that the person you're with should be unique in your life (make you feel safer, or more confident, or be your best friend, or challenge you in the best way...etc) and not just someone along for the ride.

I'm a good person.  98% of the people I've encountered in my life seem to like me.  People aren't mean to me, or tell me I'm a bad person.  So it's difficult when he tells me I'm selfish for being angry that he was too drunk to pick me up from work in my car after he said he would do so.  So it hurts me when he tells me I've kept him up all night when I did several things specifically not to bother him before his long day at work today.  So it bothers me when his anger is something he feels he doesn't need to control just because he'd never hit me.  Yelling hurts too.  Sometimes, more than a fist ever could, and I know, I've been hit in the past.

I'm sad that I have to find a new place to live now.  I'm sad that I wanted this to work, not completely because I loved him, but because I wanted to have what people around me have.  I want a family someday and with every relationship I have, it seems more and more of a dream and not a possibility.  I think in the back of my head I knew it wouldn't work.  I hoped maybe overcoming those feelings would strengthen the relationship, but I guess the hearts knows best.

I'm so sad though.  I know because of who he is, he won't take responsibility for any of this.  I know that he'll tell his next girlfriend that I'm selfish, overly sensitive, immature, dramatic, insecure... I know he'll mix lies with truth and it won't be fair...

Just the other day I was thinking about my ex before this one.  How it's been a year and I don't even think about him anymore.  I laugh that I wasted all those tears and feelings on someone so bad for me.  I hope that's how I'll feel a year from now.  It's a break up, not a divorce after twenty years, not a loss of a loved one, not even bodily injury.  Just a part of my life that I may not always want to look back on, but that taught me how I want to be loved.   And what I want my future to hold.

That being said... I'm sure in my ensuing depression I'll be on here all the time, just like before.  *sigh*  I've spent so much of my life trying to find something so elusive... maybe this will teach me to stop looking?

I'm not cut out for being in a relationship.  I'm too insecure.  I'm so convinced that my boyfriend is constantly cheating on me, not because he is (he's really really old school about monogamy, AND is really forgetful and would leave a ton of evidence if he was), but because I have low self esteem and I'm positive that he can do better.   And I'm a good girlfriend otherwise so why not have me around and get what you want when I'm not around too...

I know he's faithful in my rational brain, but my irrational brain can't stop from going through his things, getting suspicious, making snide comments when I haven't found anything, and then picking a fight.

He wants me to move in.  He's planning space in the closet for my things, getting the size of my bed to see if it will fit on his bed frame (my bed is better than his and I told him I wouldn't get rid of it), and all of this isn't even going to happen for three more months.  He's planning our future and I'm not sure we'll last that long.  I keep messing up, I can't control myself.

I think I'll be really sad about it when he leaves me.  Mostly because it'll be my fault.  He's no prize, he's jaded, impatient, volatile, stubborn, and has ADD so he never finishes his many many current projects (which isn't so much a personality flaw as it's just really really annoying to me), but I'm... ridiculous.  I'm seeing a therapist but I just think, what if she's wrong?  What if my friends telling me that I'm amazing is only because they don't have to deal with me every day?  What if really... I am a worthless person who is trying really hard to pretend that I'm worth something?

I want to be normal.  I want to know how it's so easy for everyone else to feel so... normal.  I don't understand how relationships work, I don't understand how to make myself work... I just want something to work out for me.  I want something to be easy like it seems to be for everyone else.  He and I wouldn't fight if I could get my shit together, and I know all couples fight, but one person always being the cause isn't healthy.  I'm not healthy and I know he deserves better.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Shouldn't that be the truth?

Once again, my low self-esteem ruins a relationship.   I mean... he hasn't broken up with me yet... but I know he will.  He's too smart to deal with my bullshit.  He's too good to deal with my bullshit.

I wouldn't want to deal with it...

I get jealous easily, because I'm insecure, and I feel like he can do better with every girl he meets.  I look at a girl, literally ANY girl, and I think how much prettier they are than I am.  They may not be smarter but I think they're sooooo pretty and I'm so... ugly.  I hate looking in the mirror.  Even when he tells me I'm sexy I think, he's just got bad taste.  So why wouldn't he love to trade me in for a better model.  Then I think to myself, if I keep exposing my insecurities, he'll leave me for being insecure, which will reaffirm my insecurity.  Like a cycle of self hatred.

He tells me he loves me, he tells me I'm sexy and intelligent and kind and that he respects and admires me... and I just think... what a liar.  I've never been any of those things... well, intelligent, but no man I've ever met dates for brains alone.  Even when I try to be rational, and think, he went 8 years without a girlfriend and then he picked me.  I didn't even ask to be his girlfriend, he asked me if we could be "monogamous" and I was astonished.  Why would someone like him do that?  He's not charming or social enough to be a sociopath, so I don't think he's low enough to get a girlfriend just to fuck her over... It's just my brain telling my emotions to be wrong, and off.

I feel like I'm failing again... and it's funny because my first boyfriend, just a few years ago, I was so confident about and he broke up with me because he said he couldn't stop thinking about other girls.  I feel like if I get comfortable, then I'll jinx everything.  But if I stay uncomfortable, I'm going to drive him away.  I don't want to do that because I see the potential for such a successful relationship... and I see the potential I have to destroy it... The one good thing...

He's not perfect, but I think he compliments me well... and I know if this doesn't work, I'll move on, and he'll move on... but I know that my moving on, is me never dating again.  I won't put myself in a position to ruin anything else.  I'm tired of feeling low, and worthless.  And if I can't keep this relationship afloat, with someone who is good to me, and in all honestly, good for me as well... I'm not deserving of anyone at all.

I've always wanted kids.

I think when I was younger I wanted them because I thought I was supposed to have them.  Everyone got married and had kids right?  Then I got older and went to college and thought, I have all the time in the world, I want kids, but not anytime soon.

Then I met TJ and he has this daughter.  She's incredibly smart, sweet, and absolutely LOVES her daddy even though he's testy sometimes, especially before his coffee.  Even though she only gets to see him once a week, she LOVES her daddy.  And when I talk to him, it seems that the only kind of love he really believes in is that sort of unconditional love a parent has for a child.  If the world came to an end, the first thing he would be concerned about would be her.  Sometimes I get insecure and wonder if he's worry about her mother before he worried about me... but... he says it's over, it was almost a decade ago, and she's a lesbian now... but still... anyway, I digress...

I want that sort of love.  I'll never have to worry about a child 'cheating' on me and finding a new mom.  I'll never have to worry that I'll not be good enough of a person in their eyes (at least not until they're old enough that it won't matter if I was or not).  And I'll always know that I have a purpose in life.  That my reason for living is this tiny person that I made inside me who needs me more than anything, or anyone else.

I'm too poor to have kids right now, but... I really want that to be something that happens to me in the future.  I need a better job, I need a better place to live, I need health insurance, hahaha.  I want to have kids with TJ.  I love him and I think his flaws balance out mine and it would make a well rounded child, I would hope.  I just... I wish I had some sort of foresight that would allow me the comfort in knowing it will happen to me too...

I watched TJ's daughter get picked up by her mom today, and TJ was talking to her and despite her lesbian look, they still looked like a family.   A FAMILY.   A unit of love and care and like... their own private club that no one would ever belong to.  I want my own club.  My own unit.  My own family.  I shouldn't be, but I'm obsessing over it.  I'm obsessing over getting pregnant.  I want it sooooo bad, hahaha, what's wrong with my biological clock?  Why is it suddenly in overdrive at a point in my life when I can't take care of a baby financially?  UGH!  Mother nature needs to calm down... or give me some money first... hahahaha

I guess... it's been about.. 6 months since my last post on here.  I have been in a whirlwind of new feelings this past half year.

My relationship with Thomas (TJ) is going well.  I still sometimes wonder how anyone could love me enough to want me around all the time.  How anyone could not get annoyed by my constant presence.  I've basically moved in with him, hahaha.  I have clothes here, underwear, I do the laundry sometimes, stay every night... I've even had my dog here for the past couple of days.   I feel... like he should be annoyed with me... but he still says he loves me, tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and intelligent.  The other night he kicked his friends out of his room so I could sleep and I didn't even ask, or act rude or testy.  He told me just two days ago that he doesn't want to ever take me for granted.

I think I just feel like it seems so easy for this sort of relationship to happen to other people so it doesn't necessarily make sense when it's happening to me.  And what if he decides I'm boring?  I can't afford too many hobbies that I enjoy, painting, traveling, etc... All the beginning of the relationship feelings might go away...

So, in typing this, he's returned home and I feel better.  I feel like he's happy that I'm here, and I remember that if I hadn't been here, he would've called and asked where I had gone.  Yet again, I'm over thinking things.

I returned to therapy as part of my requirements to go back to school.  My therapist is a wonderful woman who hadn't offered me any insights I hadn't discussed with my previous 6, until this last session when she said to me, "I don't think the problem is your emotional stability, I think the problem is what you THINK of your emotional stability."  She said I seem very stable, and self aware for someone my age, but that I lack confidence in my initial feelings because I've always been in relationships in which I was submissive even when my partner was in the wrong.  I feel one way, then think myself into a tizzy because I'm not sure if I'm actually right or not.

I love my boyfriend.  We've even talked (not super seriously, but it's been briefly discussed) about having kids.  I feel comfortable, I feel loved, I feel heard, and when we do have fights, we come back together once the dust settles and we listen to each other.   It's a healthy relationship by any standard, and definitely MY healthiest by far.  I just... I'm so afraid I'm jinxing everything by letting myself think, even for a second, that this could last.  I've never had a long term serious relationship, I'm 25, and I have a history of dating abusive, alcoholic, immature, assholes.  TJ is the complete opposite of that and I'm craving success at every turn.

I wish I knew what he was thinking.  I wish I knew how he felt... I guess... he tells me everyday.  I wake up in the morning to 'I love you' and yet... all I feel, well... in addition to reciprocal love, is fear and worry that my little fairytale will end suddenly and I'll be reminded that I'm not worth anything.

I guess though, tomorrow is another day, and I know he'll still be there tomorrow, and I think he'll still be there the day after that.  I just wish I could enjoy it more, let myself love and be loved without always being braced for destruction.