I know, I'm not a reliable writer these days.

I'm just stuck in a rut.  This whole... being lonely... it just doesn't end.  I think, I'm young I've got plenty of time.  I think, I'm surrounded by singles, I'm not alone.  I think, I'm too obsessed with being with someone to be with someone so I'm better off being single right now.  Then comes: But no one has ever been in love with me.  I feel better about myself when I'm in a relationship which makes me better as a person while I'm in it.  And of course: My heart is aching.  Like... a real pain in my chest sort of ache.  Constant lumps in my throat because I'm always trying not to cry.  I drink more and more so I can pass out and not dream of meaning something to anyone.

I loved someone not too long ago.  I tried to stop because they didn't feel that way back.  Unfortunately... feelings don't have switches.  I can't turn mine off anymore than they can turn theirs on.  I wish I could turn theirs on though... or at least stop them from doing/saying things that make me over think.  And hold on to hope.

I hold on to hope because I think I know that no one else will make me feel so... me.  I can be myself.  I can obsess and whine and cry and be crazy and laugh and fart and dance and make stupid jokes and terrible food and know he'll be there and won't leave unless I say so and even then just gives me the space I need until he can sneak back into my good graces.

How can he not love me if that's what our life is?  How can he not feel like we're made to be together when...

I'm a stupid girl.  I just read what I said.

I'm so stupid.

I'm so lonely I don't know how to think anymore. My heart hurts.  It hurts a physical hurt because my emotional hurt is so great.  Only because I'm so dumb... and apparently unloveable.

I hate myself.