I've been gone for a while.  Perhaps it's ok, because things have been dramatic around here.

My roommate, the guy I was in love with, got arrested.  Long story short, he went to jail charged with false imprisonment and assault on a female.   He no longer lives with me though, we are still friends I think.  I also found a boyfriend.  He's amazing.  He tells me that I'm pretty, he kisses me all over, he wants to spend time with me and calls me when he says he's going to.

He's everything I want.

But I miss Adam.  I miss the comfort, because the new guy, Thomas, while perfect, is so perfect it's frightening. I'm used to having to work for affection. I'm used to having to let what I want not matter so that maybe eventually it will matter.   I'm not used to someone making me feel... good.   Really really good.

It's been official for less than two weeks and I'm already waiting for him to cheat on me, or to find out it was just a prank.  I'm waiting for him to break up with me because it was all a big mistake.  I really don't believe in someone feeling like that.  Maybe I don't believe that men can feel that way about anyone truly... I'm so jaded.  Maybe though... I just don't believe that anyone can feel that way about ME.  I want him to, I want him to fall in love with me.

He's my last chance.  If he doesn't end up being a good guy, I think I'm going to give up on falling in love.  I think he's my last chance to believe that I'm good enough to be loved by someone.  I think, after being used and ignored and not cared about by anyone I think that I don't really accept that it might actually happen for me.  That everyone else deserves love, and that I deserve... nothing but lies.  Disappointment.

I care deeply about Thomas, but I can't help but think that who I deserved is Adam.  I can't let myself fall into thinking that he really could be that man of my dreams because if I let myself think that, he won't be.  But if I fuck everything up, keep him at arms length, I'm ruining something that might actually be real...

I'm going crazy, and yet I'm happier than I've been in... years.  I'm so happy... I want to let the walls down.  I want to be a normal person.  I want to let go of the anxiety.  Let go of the inner turmoil and just... feel... something for someone.  But I'm so scared.  I'm so afraid... and I can't tell anyone because if I do, they won't understand.  The depth of the fear, the truth of what I'm thinking and the daily struggle with myself... No one understands, just like they couldn't understand the depression that I went through in college. I want... to love.  I want to let myself be loved.

I don't know how.

I don't know... and I'm afraid.  Even if he turned out to be the one, even if someday, by some miracle he proposed, I would be afraid.  I would know that he's in love with someone else, I would know he's waiting for the right time to leave me.  I would know he's secretly gay, or secretly unhappy, or just... I would know I'm a bad person.  I would know I'm a bad girlfriend or wife or fiancee or just... a bad person.

How do I deal with this?  How to I not feel like this?  Even if the relationship ends... how to I move on?  Ugh... I can't even be happy when I'm SOOO happy.  What have I done to myself?  What do I do with myself now?  Someone please tell me...