I guess... it's been about.. 6 months since my last post on here.  I have been in a whirlwind of new feelings this past half year.

My relationship with Thomas (TJ) is going well.  I still sometimes wonder how anyone could love me enough to want me around all the time.  How anyone could not get annoyed by my constant presence.  I've basically moved in with him, hahaha.  I have clothes here, underwear, I do the laundry sometimes, stay every night... I've even had my dog here for the past couple of days.   I feel... like he should be annoyed with me... but he still says he loves me, tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and intelligent.  The other night he kicked his friends out of his room so I could sleep and I didn't even ask, or act rude or testy.  He told me just two days ago that he doesn't want to ever take me for granted.

I think I just feel like it seems so easy for this sort of relationship to happen to other people so it doesn't necessarily make sense when it's happening to me.  And what if he decides I'm boring?  I can't afford too many hobbies that I enjoy, painting, traveling, etc... All the beginning of the relationship feelings might go away...

So, in typing this, he's returned home and I feel better.  I feel like he's happy that I'm here, and I remember that if I hadn't been here, he would've called and asked where I had gone.  Yet again, I'm over thinking things.

I returned to therapy as part of my requirements to go back to school.  My therapist is a wonderful woman who hadn't offered me any insights I hadn't discussed with my previous 6, until this last session when she said to me, "I don't think the problem is your emotional stability, I think the problem is what you THINK of your emotional stability."  She said I seem very stable, and self aware for someone my age, but that I lack confidence in my initial feelings because I've always been in relationships in which I was submissive even when my partner was in the wrong.  I feel one way, then think myself into a tizzy because I'm not sure if I'm actually right or not.

I love my boyfriend.  We've even talked (not super seriously, but it's been briefly discussed) about having kids.  I feel comfortable, I feel loved, I feel heard, and when we do have fights, we come back together once the dust settles and we listen to each other.   It's a healthy relationship by any standard, and definitely MY healthiest by far.  I just... I'm so afraid I'm jinxing everything by letting myself think, even for a second, that this could last.  I've never had a long term serious relationship, I'm 25, and I have a history of dating abusive, alcoholic, immature, assholes.  TJ is the complete opposite of that and I'm craving success at every turn.

I wish I knew what he was thinking.  I wish I knew how he felt... I guess... he tells me everyday.  I wake up in the morning to 'I love you' and yet... all I feel, well... in addition to reciprocal love, is fear and worry that my little fairytale will end suddenly and I'll be reminded that I'm not worth anything.

I guess though, tomorrow is another day, and I know he'll still be there tomorrow, and I think he'll still be there the day after that.  I just wish I could enjoy it more, let myself love and be loved without always being braced for destruction.