I've always wanted kids.

I think when I was younger I wanted them because I thought I was supposed to have them.  Everyone got married and had kids right?  Then I got older and went to college and thought, I have all the time in the world, I want kids, but not anytime soon.

Then I met TJ and he has this daughter.  She's incredibly smart, sweet, and absolutely LOVES her daddy even though he's testy sometimes, especially before his coffee.  Even though she only gets to see him once a week, she LOVES her daddy.  And when I talk to him, it seems that the only kind of love he really believes in is that sort of unconditional love a parent has for a child.  If the world came to an end, the first thing he would be concerned about would be her.  Sometimes I get insecure and wonder if he's worry about her mother before he worried about me... but... he says it's over, it was almost a decade ago, and she's a lesbian now... but still... anyway, I digress...

I want that sort of love.  I'll never have to worry about a child 'cheating' on me and finding a new mom.  I'll never have to worry that I'll not be good enough of a person in their eyes (at least not until they're old enough that it won't matter if I was or not).  And I'll always know that I have a purpose in life.  That my reason for living is this tiny person that I made inside me who needs me more than anything, or anyone else.

I'm too poor to have kids right now, but... I really want that to be something that happens to me in the future.  I need a better job, I need a better place to live, I need health insurance, hahaha.  I want to have kids with TJ.  I love him and I think his flaws balance out mine and it would make a well rounded child, I would hope.  I just... I wish I had some sort of foresight that would allow me the comfort in knowing it will happen to me too...

I watched TJ's daughter get picked up by her mom today, and TJ was talking to her and despite her lesbian look, they still looked like a family.   A FAMILY.   A unit of love and care and like... their own private club that no one would ever belong to.  I want my own club.  My own unit.  My own family.  I shouldn't be, but I'm obsessing over it.  I'm obsessing over getting pregnant.  I want it sooooo bad, hahaha, what's wrong with my biological clock?  Why is it suddenly in overdrive at a point in my life when I can't take care of a baby financially?  UGH!  Mother nature needs to calm down... or give me some money first... hahahaha