Once again, my low self-esteem ruins a relationship.   I mean... he hasn't broken up with me yet... but I know he will.  He's too smart to deal with my bullshit.  He's too good to deal with my bullshit.

I wouldn't want to deal with it...

I get jealous easily, because I'm insecure, and I feel like he can do better with every girl he meets.  I look at a girl, literally ANY girl, and I think how much prettier they are than I am.  They may not be smarter but I think they're sooooo pretty and I'm so... ugly.  I hate looking in the mirror.  Even when he tells me I'm sexy I think, he's just got bad taste.  So why wouldn't he love to trade me in for a better model.  Then I think to myself, if I keep exposing my insecurities, he'll leave me for being insecure, which will reaffirm my insecurity.  Like a cycle of self hatred.

He tells me he loves me, he tells me I'm sexy and intelligent and kind and that he respects and admires me... and I just think... what a liar.  I've never been any of those things... well, intelligent, but no man I've ever met dates for brains alone.  Even when I try to be rational, and think, he went 8 years without a girlfriend and then he picked me.  I didn't even ask to be his girlfriend, he asked me if we could be "monogamous" and I was astonished.  Why would someone like him do that?  He's not charming or social enough to be a sociopath, so I don't think he's low enough to get a girlfriend just to fuck her over... It's just my brain telling my emotions to be wrong, and off.

I feel like I'm failing again... and it's funny because my first boyfriend, just a few years ago, I was so confident about and he broke up with me because he said he couldn't stop thinking about other girls.  I feel like if I get comfortable, then I'll jinx everything.  But if I stay uncomfortable, I'm going to drive him away.  I don't want to do that because I see the potential for such a successful relationship... and I see the potential I have to destroy it... The one good thing...

He's not perfect, but I think he compliments me well... and I know if this doesn't work, I'll move on, and he'll move on... but I know that my moving on, is me never dating again.  I won't put myself in a position to ruin anything else.  I'm tired of feeling low, and worthless.  And if I can't keep this relationship afloat, with someone who is good to me, and in all honestly, good for me as well... I'm not deserving of anyone at all.