I'm not cut out for being in a relationship.  I'm too insecure.  I'm so convinced that my boyfriend is constantly cheating on me, not because he is (he's really really old school about monogamy, AND is really forgetful and would leave a ton of evidence if he was), but because I have low self esteem and I'm positive that he can do better.   And I'm a good girlfriend otherwise so why not have me around and get what you want when I'm not around too...

I know he's faithful in my rational brain, but my irrational brain can't stop from going through his things, getting suspicious, making snide comments when I haven't found anything, and then picking a fight.

He wants me to move in.  He's planning space in the closet for my things, getting the size of my bed to see if it will fit on his bed frame (my bed is better than his and I told him I wouldn't get rid of it), and all of this isn't even going to happen for three more months.  He's planning our future and I'm not sure we'll last that long.  I keep messing up, I can't control myself.

I think I'll be really sad about it when he leaves me.  Mostly because it'll be my fault.  He's no prize, he's jaded, impatient, volatile, stubborn, and has ADD so he never finishes his many many current projects (which isn't so much a personality flaw as it's just really really annoying to me), but I'm... ridiculous.  I'm seeing a therapist but I just think, what if she's wrong?  What if my friends telling me that I'm amazing is only because they don't have to deal with me every day?  What if really... I am a worthless person who is trying really hard to pretend that I'm worth something?

I want to be normal.  I want to know how it's so easy for everyone else to feel so... normal.  I don't understand how relationships work, I don't understand how to make myself work... I just want something to work out for me.  I want something to be easy like it seems to be for everyone else.  He and I wouldn't fight if I could get my shit together, and I know all couples fight, but one person always being the cause isn't healthy.  I'm not healthy and I know he deserves better.

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Shouldn't that be the truth?