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Early hours of Saturday, February 9, 2013

My eyes are dried and tired. I want nothing more than to sleep, but I try to do so and my mind refuses to shut up. It has been almost four weeks of trying to be better. Since I first said I wanted to change, hell has broken loose everywhere. My parents are more irrtated now and I try to help ease the stress. None of my efforts are helping much. The love of my life seems to be pulling away from me. I feel... hopeless. For a while, I've felt hopeless. I'm just waiting for it to pass. This stress will pass, it always has. Slowly. But, I've made it through. I just need to hope I make it through this as smoothly as everything else.
All of this wouldn't be as bad if I could talk to someone. It's not like people aren't willing to listen. But I've wasted their patience with stupid things I decided to complain about throughout the friendships. I feel as though this is just one of my moods, to them. And maybe it is. It comes and goes a lot of the time. Comes more than goes, but every once in a while, it does go. I just need to see if I can make it go sooner. I'm just sick of feeling so selfish and stupid, or more like a burden than a help.

I think I may... just need to try harder to sleep. The only way I can feel a little relief. Goodnight.

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Monday, January 28, 2013

It has been a week of trying to improve. To be honest, I'm not sure what to put here. I feel as though there is something deep in my mind that is doing all it can to get out, but I have no idea what, exactly. It's stress, but from what? Everything that's worth stressing about has passed and doesn't matter now. Still, though, there's this lingering emotion with an unknown reason and it's killing me trying to figure out just what is going on in my head. I feel rushed, tense, as though I'm subconsciously preparing for something bad to happen. That alone is starting a series of thoughts I'd rather not have. Is death of someone close coming? Something more tragic? Or is it just nothing at all? -sigh- I'm scattered. Relaxation is proving not to come easily. I guess I just have to keep trying. I never expected improving to be easy. But... this is something worth the fight and struggle. Even when it seems pointless and like it's a waste of effort. I'm done.

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Monday, January 21, 2013

This is the first day I'm starting to make a difference within myself. I plan on managing my anxiety better, find better ways to deal with stress, maybe find a way to help with struggles that surround me. Maybe. I can't exactly ease the difficulty of finacial struggle, I cannot get a job. My mother forbids it, my father thinks I won't be able to handle it. They've seen more weakness than strength in me. I try hard to show them there's more to me than weakness. I'm telling you, there is.

Anyway, I went off track for a mini rant, I apologize. Allow me to try to continue saying what I started.
I'm undiagnosed, but I fail to need diagnosis when it's clear I have anxiety. I haven't been to school for years because of it. My mind hasn't been quiet for a long time, even my dreams are loud. I've barely slept in days, negative thoughts have overwhelmed me to the point of sleep deprivation. I'm sick of being irritated and upset all hours of my life. So I'm going to change it.
The mind is more powerful than I would have ever imagined. I know I can change with enough determination. I hate being stressed over every little thing, I hate not being able to go a day without obsessing about what I need to clean to prevent illness, I hate thinking about the world ending. I'm done with doing nothing and allowing these things to control my life. I want to be happy and be able to walk around with a smile on my face, even in the worse of times.
I will do this. I know I can.

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