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5
Jan

Manic/Depressive...to be or not to be

All of my life I thought I was only depressed on & off....but I just learned that I have manic/depressive disorder. This upsets me b/c my sunny optimisim, high energy, overly social, busy brain are just a disorder, not my personality!! I started Abilify & it took away my manic side which I used to call passion my favorite parts about me. I used to be passionate about everything to the extreme and now...not much interests me.  The good thing about the medicine was that I didn't have my extreme mood swings and my depression bouts were not as bad.  However,  Abilify stole my fun & life.  So my debate was: Be on this medicine which makes me normalish...if you can reall call it that....more like boring and lifeless....OR  I can go back to the life of drama with drastic mood swings where I have depressed feelings yet moments of extreme bliss.  I miss my bliss!!! So I decided to be off Abilify in hopes to get my highs back, but I am still on anti-depressant.  I've live with it for 30 years without knowing so it won't kill me to try.   It's only been a week since being of the Abilify.  I wonder how long it lingers in my system.  I still feel like I'm on the medicine.  I just want to feel something about life again. My therapist thinks I am still depressed. So wouldn't I rather be depressed with bouts of happiness or just depressed with no feeling of life?

Is there any one out there who has manic/depressive disorder and took Abilify and felt almost worse then when they were not on it? Is there anyone who understands what I am going thru?

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5
Jan

to find others who understand

I am new to blogging. I feel so alone. I have so many friends, but none understand what I am going thru. I need to find others who understand. I've had depression on and off my entire life. I am now in my 30's and was just diagnosed with being BiPolar 2 (manic-depressive disorder).  The time I was diaganosed I was going thru a "deep depression"...so I was started on Celexa for my depression & Abilify for my BP2.  I was once an extovert, but going thru this depression this year...I've turned into an introvert. I don't seem to have fun with my friends, no longer have the passion to sing & do my art. I used to have such a passion for life. My last big depression didn't leave me feeling so empty. I feel as if I'm just going thru life on auto-pilot.  I miss doing what I loved to do, but i don't feel like doing it. I've been in this funk for 2 years now and I'm getting tired of it. I go to therapy once a week and now it doesn't seem to be helping.  I have nothing exciting to say anymore.  I'm the walking dead.  How can someone once so full of life become so boring. My brain is bored of my lifelessness.  To top it off, my husband does not understand my depression.  He tells me to just do stuff I like, take a walk & hang with friends.  Doesn't he think I've already tried that. I wish it was that easy!!

I know my depression increased once my parents moved...they were once 5 hrs away...now they are 15 hrs away. My family is my life.  Plus I no longer can go back to my childhood home. My parents lived there all my life! Now I have to choose between friends & family. I used to see my family & friends in the same visit. I no longer have a place to stay to see all my friends and it is difficult towing a 5 yr old to see each friend.  My anxiety has increased in 2011 b/c of their moved, and my depression as well.  I have now lost my support network of local friends due to the fact my son is in PreK and we can't attend playgroups. I am a stay at home mom without adult interaction.  I was surviving only seeing adults once a week, but once a month is just to long.  As my husband says, I am very dependant on people.  Before I had my son I was a teacher...constantly talking with adults & kids.  Now I run errands & clean the house alone or with my child in tow. We have the occasional playdate, but....I don't know how to get out of this funk. My depressions don't usually last this long.  MY husband is getting frustrated with the new me. Hell, I'm frustrated with the new me. Abilify took away my manic side which was my insanely happy spree that would help me thru my depressive state....so I thought if I got off the Abilify I could have some happy moments back. Abilify also caused me to gain weight. In the past 12 years I never gained more than a couple of pounds, but with the 9 months on Abilify I gained 25 pounds which is definately not helping my mood. So....I wanted my body & highs back, so I went off Abilify hoping my problems would be solved.  It's been a week and no change.  I stopped gaining weight, but my highs have not returned. Apparently I am still depressed. How do I get out of this stupor.  I try to do things I love...but still I am in my own world of misery.  I miss my extroverted self...Where did I go & how to I get myself back?

I'm tired of getting anxiety over going out with friends...that is so not me. I used to be overly social,optimistic, and  full of energy (the Dr. said that those things were my manic side). So that was never really me? Who am I then?

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