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12/23/10

Permalink 03:22:30 pm, by payton34 Email , 179 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: payton34

stupid stupid stupid

So lets see, I got my christmas shopping done. Thats about the best thing I have done. The girl I was currently cheating on my wife with has stopped our relationship, so in a way that is good also. But just this morning I was sent naked pictures from another girl who wants to start something. I really dont like being like this, I have no control over it. I love my wife and kids but when someone comes along and offers me a thrill I just go with it. I hate going to work these days. I hate being at home with her yelling at the kids and them screaming and running all over the place. Most of my friends are staying away because they know I am trying to stop drinking and get shit together. I wish I could talk to them about this stuff but they always just say oh its not so bad,. YOu will be fine. Yeah right, they dont know any of the stuff I do. Ugh, time for another cup of coffee........

12/18/10

Permalink 02:17:31 am, by payton34 Email , 239 words   English (US) latin1
Categories: payton34

Phase 1....trying to explain myself.

So I suppose I should put something down...I have a real problem with feeling unwanted and unloved. I know my wife and kids love me, but its everyone else I think about. I get very upset when friends dont return calls, texts, or anything even though I know they are all busy. In my mind it feels like they are just ignoring.  Thats my starter. I have a huge anger problem, although I never ever lay a hand on my wife or daughters. I just get  very upset and yell or pound on other things.  Last weekend we went out drinking and I was basically trying to start a fight so someone would whip my ass. I never planned on throwing a punch. I just wanted to feel as much pain on the outside as I do inside and that way I didnt have to do it myself. I have never put a gun to myself or cut myself, but I have often thought of it. I really dont think I would. I absolutely have to stop drinking because it does not mix with my meds and without fail at some point I will lose my cool and become a total ass to everyone around.  Thats all I have right now, because I am trying to figure out how to write what I feel.  I want to get better to improve my marriage and my role as a father.

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