Depressed in Dallas

You know that voice that everyone has in there head? The one that says things like "don't run that stop sign". Well mine doesn't say anything like that. Mine says things like "Hey there's a bridge, maybe I should just drive off it...naaa I'de probably just get paralized".  Don't get me wrong, I don't have conversations with the voice, I'm not schitzophrenic. But it's easier to think of the voice as another person than to say I really want to commit suicide. The part of me that wants to live tells me to shut him out. I just don't know how.  I know everyone has that voice, mine is just demented. I then try to think good thoughts to drown out the voice. Things like, "people will really miss you when your gone", "What would God say?", but late at night, when both my wife and the dog are asleep, the voice won't quit. Some times I fight the bad thoughts by doing something that requires my thoughts elsewhere. Other times I just want to give in to it so I can get some freakin sleep. I spent the majority of the day today planning my death. I even went to the point of bringing home a razor blade from work. (The irony of killing myself with something that's stolen from work isn't lost on me, but I would be the only one that knows that).

You know what the really sick thing is? I know that my life really doesn't suck nearly as bad as other people. I have a good wife, a job, and even a dog. My credit sucks, and I will never be able to get into a house, but is thatt really worth killing myself over? I'm  not sure why I'm even writing this. I certaintly not doing it so I can get a comment saying "DON'T DO IT". Maybe it's therapy, I don't know. Maybe I'm secretly hoping that someone I know will read this and say "Hey that must be XYZ", but the chances of that are nill. Some part of me really doesn't like "the voice". I even called one of those suicide hotlines. I really didn't know what to expect, but I actually came out worse than I started. After the 50 questions about how I was feeling, I felt really crappy.