so I havent writen for quite a while, and I'm pleased to say that it's because I havent felt the need to.

I find the summer usually has that effect on me, the lack of school and a bit of sun puts me in a much better mood than normal. It's been the best couple of months I've had in a long time - even with the dismil british weather.

However, the familiar feeling is setting back in now the school time is about to start, not yet feeling the full extent of it I'm trying to shrug it off while it's still at it's weakest. I wish I knew what to do, but I just don't. I guess only time will tell what will happen next.

As weekends go, I am willing to admit that it was a pretty good one in my standards. Despite the complete lack of work, even though I got my folder out numerous times I always got distracted.

Having spent all of my recent time with my friends I feel a bit better than normal, I am fine until I am left on my own to think and self reflect. I had my first driving lesson - only a short one with my father, but I guess that still counts. I can safely report that I am completely useless at it. Depsite his encouragement, I couldn't help but feel my mood gradually sinking in anger and disapointment towards myself. I never expected to be able to do it straight away, so I'm not sure why I felt like that. Guess I'm just not very good at dealing with inperfection, that is more than often just myself in general.

Driving is just a new challenge that I will have to overcome, just another hurdle in my life to unattractivally clamber over, to the amusement for everyone watching.

I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore. I'm quite happy just to sit for hours, and not do anything. I don't feel the guilt of wasting my time, only the consequences that come from it.

I can't tell if I am getting better or worse, it's possible everything is just getting worse. I'm fine one minute, until someone says something to annoy me then I can't control what I do. I have scratch marks down my arm from what I did when I was frustrated, I know it's stupid and I shouldn't do it but I couldn't help it. It seems lame thinking about it now, how I should be able to help it and I should just be able to stop. It was more noticable than every other time, I noticed one bit was bleeding. I was ashamed of what I did, yet again. I'm always ashamed and try to cover it up whenever it happens. I don't like people to see or notice. I had to put on a hoodie to hide my arms from my parents, the last thing I wanted was them to ask me questions. Or just generally talk to me.

I know that I can be cruel sometimes, and I lie to myself saying that I don't mean to do it. But I do, and that is what annoys me the most about myself. I try to be cruel, I feel like I am protecting myself. But I just can't work out what from. I have no reason to be like this, but I just can't help it.

Now that he knows about what I think I thought it would imediately shed some weight off me, but that hasn't happened. I probably naively thought that he would become this new ultra sensitive person, but I shouldn't be expecting anything more from him. How could I when he is perfect the way he is now. He asks me how I am, and if I'm down he asks what's wrong. It may not seem like much but it's more than anyone else does.

I am sure all of this must annoy him, it's not fair on him. I don't want to be a nuisance to him, but I don't want to be without him. He gave me a list of things to do to improve my selfesteem, and set me a challenge to write 10 good qualities about myself, and 5 good things going on in my life right now. After only getting to 2 on each, he changed the numbers round so 5 qualities and 10 good things.

My qualities were lame, but I simply couldn't think of anything to write that I liked about myself. But I did manage to find 5. However I included things like "tanable skin" and "soft lips" in there, so it doesn't really count..

I would like to be able to say that I one day, I would like to be able to write 10 qualities down without thinking, and mean it. But I can't, because deep down I still think I deserve this, and that I will be going to hell for my selfishness. If there is hell that is..?

Eurgh, oh well. I'll just plunder on..

So I told him. Yes it might have been at 2:30 in the morning, and not face to face as I had hoped. I wish that I didn't have to hide behind a computer screen to admit anything, I just don't have any confidence in myself.

I wasn't sure what to say to him, it just all came out. Just about how I don't like myself, and how I'm sorry. He had questions that I couldn't answer, he didn't see my answers as valid. And they aren't really, he wanted a factual answer, not an opinionated one.

He wants to help me, he wants me to let him help me. But I do need to open up to him, and I hope that I will be able to do that. I really do.

Because I can beat this. I will. Eventually.

Eurgh, I don't know if I can do this. I just can't stop crying right now, I'm trying so hard to explain myself but I can't answer the questions why I feel like this. I can't complete my points, I feel so afraid.

It frightens me, to think that people would know what I think of myself. What they would think of me for it.

I am so lazy, I cannot motivate myself to do anything. I need to revise, I know I do. But I just can't bring myself to do it. Everything just seems to be getting ontop of me at the moment, and I don't think I can cope. I wasn't made to be strong, I am far too weak. I pretend that I'm strong, and that I'm cruel and like stone, when in reality I feel like I'm about to break down and colapse. I wish I could change, but I can't. I have tried so often. I have tried to become more confident, although I believe that my confidence has grown in the last couple of months. I wear things that I would never have gone out in before, however that is about as far as it goes. But it's a small step.

I have tried to become invisible, but there is always someone who seeks me and pulls me out of my cornered silence. I don't understand what I want. Iwant to be left alone, but theres still that one bit of me which is wanting to be liked and wanted by others.

I wish I could make up my mind. It would make life simpler.