I'm just not sure what to do with myself anymore. I'm quite happy just to sit for hours, and not do anything. I don't feel the guilt of wasting my time, only the consequences that come from it.

I can't tell if I am getting better or worse, it's possible everything is just getting worse. I'm fine one minute, until someone says something to annoy me then I can't control what I do. I have scratch marks down my arm from what I did when I was frustrated, I know it's stupid and I shouldn't do it but I couldn't help it. It seems lame thinking about it now, how I should be able to help it and I should just be able to stop. It was more noticable than every other time, I noticed one bit was bleeding. I was ashamed of what I did, yet again. I'm always ashamed and try to cover it up whenever it happens. I don't like people to see or notice. I had to put on a hoodie to hide my arms from my parents, the last thing I wanted was them to ask me questions. Or just generally talk to me.

I know that I can be cruel sometimes, and I lie to myself saying that I don't mean to do it. But I do, and that is what annoys me the most about myself. I try to be cruel, I feel like I am protecting myself. But I just can't work out what from. I have no reason to be like this, but I just can't help it.

Now that he knows about what I think I thought it would imediately shed some weight off me, but that hasn't happened. I probably naively thought that he would become this new ultra sensitive person, but I shouldn't be expecting anything more from him. How could I when he is perfect the way he is now. He asks me how I am, and if I'm down he asks what's wrong. It may not seem like much but it's more than anyone else does.

I am sure all of this must annoy him, it's not fair on him. I don't want to be a nuisance to him, but I don't want to be without him. He gave me a list of things to do to improve my selfesteem, and set me a challenge to write 10 good qualities about myself, and 5 good things going on in my life right now. After only getting to 2 on each, he changed the numbers round so 5 qualities and 10 good things.

My qualities were lame, but I simply couldn't think of anything to write that I liked about myself. But I did manage to find 5. However I included things like "tanable skin" and "soft lips" in there, so it doesn't really count..

I would like to be able to say that I one day, I would like to be able to write 10 qualities down without thinking, and mean it. But I can't, because deep down I still think I deserve this, and that I will be going to hell for my selfishness. If there is hell that is..?

Eurgh, oh well. I'll just plunder on..