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First Blog:}

So here's my first blog I guess...I don't even know if it will get read, because I'm not quite sure how this site works yet.

In case it does, I guess I can tell you a little bit about myself.

I am 21 years old. I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember, at least the past 5-6 years. Writing that just made me sad, because I just realized how long I've felt this way. LOL Anyways, I am an only child and still live at home with my parents. I am intelligent, but a rarely prove that, as I don't have the confidence or motivation to do so. I don't really have relationships, and it's not for fear of being hurt or whatever the reason for that normally is. It's  because I just have a truly hard time having emotions towards anything. Partly because one second I'll want people around, and the next I'll want to be alone. So it's just easier to be alone all the time, and spare myself from having to answer to a ton of people why I avoided them like the black plague for a week or so. So I'm alone pretty much 24/7.

Let me run through a typical day in my life for you.

3:30 AM-- this is the time I should wake up...

3:45 AM--this is the time I set my alarm for...

3:55 AM--this is the time I actually get up out of bed.

4AM-4:15AM- the amount of time I spend getting ready..

4:20AM--leave my house to come to work.

*I work at a gas station. I open the store Mon-Fri, I am the assistant manager. But I work every day, by myself, from 4:30AM-9 or 10AM, and then with my manager from 9 or 10AM-12Noon.

12PM-- I get off work at this time...just to go home and be alone some more!

12PM-6PM--this is normally nap time.

6PM-10PM--various tv shows, movies, and video games are watched/played during this time.

10PM--if Im not already asleep in my recliner by this time, Ill crawl over to the bed.

Almost every minute of my day I spend alone. And then I wake up and do it all over again.

Occasionally Ill want company, so a friend will come over for a few hours or so, but this happens rarely.

 

I truly have given up on life. To me it seems rational to not want to replay this cycle over and over for another day. If this is how it will always be, I don't want it to happen at all. I think about suicide frequently, and yes, I do have it planned out. But the way I plan to do it would surprise everyone, but anyone in pain like me would be amazed of how rational this method actually is.

I don't have anyone I can talk to. Anyone I try and talk to gives the same worthless " things will get better in time" speech, or something of similiarity. Nothing pisses me off more than hearing people say stuff like that. And honestly, after hearing complaints so much, people tend to stop talking to the complainer, even when theyre practically begging to be helped.

So Im on my own. Ive deleted my facebook, shut off my phone, and disconnected any forms of communication with the people surrounding me. Its easier this way.. I dont want anyone close to me anymore. But at the same time I do. It doesn't make sense to me either....

 

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