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My Life

Things in my life have been going down hill ever since the third grade (im in 11th now). In third grade the kids figured out I didnt have the same color skin as my parents and made fun of me for it the whole year. I dont think there was a day that went by I didnt get in a fight or cry myself to sleep. It was how I figured out I was adopted. I also started to lash out at friends and loved ones and even became suicidal. One time I took my dads pistol and planned to kill myself. I couldnt bring myself to do it. My parents got me a physc- doctor but he didnt do anything but make me take these stupid fucking pills for a year or two too help keep my "Anger" down. I just stopped taking them cause they didnt do anything. Around the same time that happened I devoloped a horrible case of acne. Its so bad I still have it. The acne only subjected me to more ridicuel from the kids at school. My god it hurts so bad. I wish it would just go away. I wouldnt even wish it on those kids who bullied me. Around seventh grade I became interested in finding out what race I really am. I grew my hair out once and noticed that it grew into the shape of an afro, the kids at school said that must mean that I am black. So I believed it. I kept that stupid haircut for 2 years. In those two years I was not only beaten by racist but all my friends and family seemed to forget about my personlity and instead focused on my hair and my hair only. On my 15th birthday I figured I couldnt take it anymore and got it buzzed off. I still get asked to grow it back by anoyying kids but I never tell them the truth to why i cut it off, I like to keep the smiles on peoples faces and leave the drama out of it. After I got rid of the stupid hair I went into my first serious depression. The people who only liked me for my hair all left me and that just kind of messed with my feeling of lonelyness and abandonment from being born a bastard. Somehow I still manged with that and started a band with some of my friends. They would fight almost every practice and their lack of enthusiasm only hurt me more and made me sadder. My grandpa also died who i liked alot and I didnt have anyone to talk to about. With all that happening I had history lesson at the begining of the year where one of the projects was to trace back our family heritage which got me thinking about who I was and what my history was. So I went home and found out my Dad and brothers names (My mom put a fake name on my adoption papers). I looked them up on facebook and surprisingly found them. I saw thier faces for the first time and could even read my dads whole profile. After that I conviced my adopted parents to get me a private detective to figure out more about my family. Turns out my dad was a cocain dealer, my mom had my older brother with my father when she was 18 and then me at 21. My dad imigrated to America back in 1970 something as a six year old and grew up rough and probably poor. He still doesnt even own an apartment. I asked a adopted parents if I could meet them. They avoided the question as much as they could and would make up excuses whenever I asked them about it. After that I got pissed off and started to smoke pot. Those were some of the funnest times of my life with great people. Some of my good stoner friends went to my old church and got me to come back to services and have a relationship with god even to this day. Pot really isnt that bad. Then the people I smoked with started to get into LSD. I wasnt about that so I never accepted any from them. I did start drinking though. I tried to quit smoking this summer but trying to quit only did more damage than good. I lost a lot of the good friendships I had with smokers because I didnt want to be around weed at all. Alround that time I also figured out that I am south american and am now persuing a knowledge about my culture so I can better understand my dad and brother better when I meet them one day. I got my first girlfriend while I was clean (off of weed). She dated me for two months and cheated on me for the last month. That destroyed me. But I had a good friend who helped talk to me about it, but then he left and started to hangout with his girlfriend so much he didnt even text me. Thats when I started to drink alot more. I remember I partied with one of my friends for the last day of summer so hard that I passed out instead of going to sleep. That night was when I also started smoking cigaretts. Its a damn shame im five months to young to buy them because I could really use a smoke. Over that summer I started to hangout with my nieghborhood friends a lot more. They are good guys but can sometimes take the joke too far and really hurt me. Me and one of them went out to smoke some dope and got caught by the police. All we got was a warning and our parents had to pick us up. My parents asked me why I did it and I told them it was because I have depression. Im pretty sure I do because sometime I just get completly fed up with everything and just cant handle it and get really sad. They didnt act on what I told them at all and are just kind of leaving me to navigate this myself. I talk to my neighborhood friends who have been friends with me all my life and they are pretty amazed by my story and what Ive been dealing with and still keeping a happy exterior. The only problem is that I dont know how much longer I can keep this up. I got a new car. a 2012 beetle. I think its pretty cool and love to drive the car and know its mine. But this is one of those situations where my Three best friends cross the line on poking fun at me and have driven me into a pretty bad depression. Ive stated to cut myself. Im finding that I hate most of the kids at school because of the way they glance over major problems and pretend that everything in the world is about right now, right here, in highschool. It sickens me the way they conduct themselves in public with no respect for anything or anyone outside of thier made up code. Anyway, I decided to take up a career in welding and I love it and am great at it. The kids in my class are some of the nicest and most real ive ever met even though theyve lived lives similar to mine (I go to a different school for welding with no kids from my school in my class). My grade are also low but they have always been and I dont really care about those anyways. Its just hard to stay positive and I just want to tell my story and maybe even talk to someone about it. Thank you for taking the time to read this.


Hey everyone, been going through some rough times and thought I would give this a try. Not really sure how to do this so I could use some help understanding how this stuff works. Hope this brings me some comfort.

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