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i'mmstill here, folks!

Just checking in.

I havent neen doing very hot lately, in fact i havent been talking to hardly anyone at all. I know iolating myself is bad but i can't help it sometimes, and anyone with a pet knows thst you are never really with them. It's madening beingnlocked up with a cat, but i dont trist myself to improve at a safe rate. I know that i'll bitemoff more than i can cche and undo all the progress, for now we wait.

I did at least talk to a couple people today though, babymstteps i guess. I also saw that a lot of people on today deserve a possitive post, so here goes nothing!

To a certain person, good job on your CV! To my cat, cashew, keep up the awesome little bro! To kaitlyn, thank you for understanding, and to ben (who wont see this probably) thanks for giving a damn man.

dose of positivity for once? I think yes!

a little more of my past

My family is this really aweful mix of chatholic and jewish. I have nothing ahainst those religions, but my family seems to have adopted the worst rules possible from them. Primarily the catholicism. I haven't told any of them how i truely am inside, i have given my mother hints. I wouldn't DREAM of telling my stepdad, he wouldn't understand at all.

As far as the know, i am unaturally upbeat. Really its just nervous tension. Unill the summer before my freshman year, i hadn't told a single person, in fact.

I moved out to colorado freshman year, to help take care of my then-ill grandmother. It wasn't very good at first, as i was in a very dark place at the time and all it did was piss me off that my 'plan' just got postponed. But then i went to a week-long church camp in the rockies called camp salvation. There, on a mountain, in the middle of the night, just before a rainstorm, i discovered god, the next morning, to my luck, they did an all-day service, in which anyone who wished could go fotj and speak on a microphone to the whole camp, who would then pray with them. I got my shot, and took it. I told an abridged version of my tale, i remember having to stop every few words to swallow back the emotions.

The first time i had ever told anyone about my sorry, suicidal state, fully expecting them to be like my catholic family and shun the concept, even in a hypothetical scenario. Needless to say, i was beyond suprised when they accepted me. I felt welcome for tje first time ever. Here i was opening up to people i had never met before, and they had no clue who i was, all they knew was what i was. And they embraced me. They prayed for me.

I velieve that i do genuinely owe my life to that all-day service. Because at that camp i met my brother. He is not just a friend, ben is my confidant, my blood brother. He and my friend becca are the only people who know my whole story in all its gorey detail. I trust them and i tell those two absolutely everything. I believe that it is thanks to having someone to talk to that i am alive. And i wouldm't have that ability were it not for that service on the top of a mountain in a rainstorm in july.

But this site, it has done me just as much, if not more good. Its amplace i can vent the good and the bad on my terms. In fact it was my friend becca that suggested i find a site like this.

a stranger has made a big difference

So it turns out the stranher i mentioned in my shout-out in my last post is a woman named Nicole, apperantly she saw one of my previous posts and felt it prudent to contact me, the substance of said corospondance was pretty plain, but its mere existing helps, as well as spurring me to wonder

How many other good people are out there?

I know that souns extremely cynical, which it is; i am the second biggest cynical a$$hole i know of. I have a generally negative veiw of humans. Ironically, i tend to be far too trusting and forgiving, its strange, sure, but its just how i am.

Of course, people like this Nicole slowly shift my view of humans back towards "good" i wonder if there are enough good people to actually shift it fully to good?

Question of the ages, i suppose.

new years news

Didn't do anything for new years' eve. I know things were going on, hell, i could see lights from bonfires in the night sky, but i didnt go, didnt get invited either. I just stayed in my room, writing. I've been trying to gather up the motivation to do a new post, and finally did it. Not for improvement though, i just ran out of reasons to sulk in solitude. In the past week, one person has bothered to contact me, and they are, so far as i know, the only to notice my 'disapperance' thus far.

As i type this post i listen to the rolling stones and nirvana in an attempt to improve my mood. This has only been semi-succesful, however. I can't seem to make myself stop thinking about how out of all the people who claim to be my friends, only one has noticed that something is wrong. It makes me wonder why i ever bother with other people, they only seem to serve to confirm my self-criticisms, unlike my cat. Cashew genuinely loves me, as does my turkey, may, and my chicken, puffball. Thats three beings that love me, i guess thats better than none, but it hurts to think that the only beings capable of loving me have brains no larger than a wallnut.

Oh well, i know that someone cares, i have no clue who you are, but i want to give a big, public, sincere thanks to hawkgirl1992, just the fact that you deemed it worth your time to show me a bit of compassion is imensly helpful for my state, thank you so very much.

back story

I supose this is as good a time as any to give a little back story:

My name is Preston, im from the big city of colorado springs, but i live in the twilight zone, which, if you were curious, is in fact rural kansas, the nearest town has, like, twelve people and they are ALL VAMPIRES, i swear, not a single one that doesnt remember before world war one. Anyway, i am a survivor of years of child abuse and neglect, kidnapping, and a couple other things. The result is that i am, accoeprding to a professional "one of the worst cases of PTSD that i have ever heard of that can still technically be called a functioning human being" and have constantly been battling extreme depression and probably a bit of anxiety for as long as i can remember.

A little more back story fer ya! I recently ended a two year relationship, noit sure im completely over it. She amd i had been great, for a year and a half things were perfect, buuuuuuut then she discovered weed and completely changed, apperantly treating her like a princess didnt make her happy anymore, she told me she wasnt happy (without saying these words) with me because she couldnt get me to buy it for her. So she made me have to be the one to break it off. I want her to be happy, and if i  can't do that for her i shouldn't keep her from it, but the fact that she changed so much, that she wanted out simply for free kush after two years, after getting a call from her friend telling me she was in the hospital from cutting herself, after talking her down from doing so again, after her talking me down just as many times. All the time, progress, regression and personal development we shared, she made me rip my own heart out so she could get a high.

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