The morning after a suicidal crises... i feel unbelievably happy, and thrilled to be alive. I have alot to apreciate. I am not living on the streets. I am Living in the lushes part of town... have an amazing view...

Sooo nice to be alive.. Its worth living for..

So yesterday everything was sharp and scary so i ran out of the house and bought flowers. The guy i used to date was a song writer for my little pony. And i decided that my  and personality fit pinkiepink the pony's personality.  This pony was ditzy and silly and loved to throw parties and dance around and be random and sometimes didnt make any sense.

Daniel reminded me that My personality and being me is totally awesome. And that plant represents me being me and life and growing and self discovery.

Lots of homework and studying and confronting my parents. It should be a swell day. And i will be going to the lake to home home tonight.

I got a date tonight so fuck ya. flirting and teasing is totally worth living for. hahah david wont know what hit him hahah!

Kisses

- pinkiepink  

Suicidal episodes are getting worse. Last week was the third scariest time of my life.  Survived it and phew. Never experienced such a suicidal climax. My councellor and I made a safety plan.

Number one: Do things to calm onself

Number two: What is life worth living for

Number three: Contact informations

Number four: Who else to call if no one answersa

Number five: call a councellor or doctor

Number 6: Call a crisis line

Number 7:  go to the hospital

Number 8: call 911.

Even though my parents partly caused the episode last week my mom was acting insane again. All yesterday she was in an incredible bad mood, giving me the third degree and making life feel like a bag of poo. I am trying desperately to have a good day but she just nags on all the negative things I am doing. Cant she just appreciate how much i am improving and that i didnt kill myself the previous week. Cant she appreciate that I am not addicted to cocaine and hang out on east hastings. Cant she appreciate that I didnt cut myself with a blade or shoved pills down my throat or jumped out of the window.

So my dad comes in through the door cause he just got back from a work trip. He has humbled and i really freaked him out last week. Really scared the shit out of him. I told him that mom is acting scary.

and dad tells mom. I confront her and i tell her that her tone of voice makes me feel angry, agitated and defensive. She says that she talked to my aunt and my aunt said that she should not nag me about school anymore. just let me be. And my mom said that if i study ,, i study and if i fail i fail. I tell her i dont like the word fail because it has such a negative connotation to it and then she just repeats.. if you fail you fail.

Thanks for the support.

So they leave and i have a heart to heart talk with my sister. I explained to her that what i am going through is fuckin serious. Its fuckin scary and people need to fuckin change their attitude. She cries and she understands that i am going though something serious. . She does not want me to kill my self...

Good.. cause i dont either..

but do others think i am serious...

I get off and i go to my room and then i start having thoughts again.

Thoughts are now more frequent....

I see a shaver and think... i am not goin to use that but i could..

I saw a stethlescope .. i saw a necklace...

i could strangle myself but i wont..  

What am i thinking. I hide these objects and run out of the house. ..

Tears running down my cheeks. OKkk i need to do self care things.  Urban faire. Sparkling peach juice, flowers .. check check.

I try to call my best friend sam.. no answer.. I get to my house..

oh god there is scary sharp objects in my house.

I go to the house and grab my safety plan sheet and run upstairs and hide under a blanket.

ughhh, ok I will call daniel.. the guy i dated for a month and got dumped for his ex. Daniel is an awesome guy. I confided in him last week and told him I had depression.

I am shaking and I call. He is drunk. we quibble ... he cockly asks " are you calling  cause 

you  me and    want to get laid."" >>.. I love his jerkyness and cockyness. I make fun of him and he brings me back to the present.  I get off the phone and decide to call the crises name. I talk my troubles out and feel better.

Tomorow is a new day with no mistakes. I am happy to be alive.

-Pinkiepink