fibromyalgia is bad today.  i can't hardly move.  this makes the depression get bad.  i need a new out look.  just one medical report that would say you are going to be ok, no more pain, no more out of this world diagnosies.  that just isn't me.  wait for the unexspected that is me.  

i am up today. i have many things to worry about. i can always find some even if they don't exist. why do i have to live with such sepresion and anxiety. even leaving the house is hard. i wish i was invisable at times. tomorrow i have to go to the dr. this is one of the hardest things for me. it can lead to panic attacts. i wish it wasn't so hard. i wish i could quiet the string of worries in my head. all the way from will the chair be comfortable to will they want me to stand up for anything. i use a wheelchair bue to my ailling back. racing thoughts are my life. i want them to end. how can i smile again? this all leads back to the guilt of not being the person my family needs. i see my childrens faces the baby faces that are growing up so fast. i did a devotional last night. i am glad i did. i have to find a way out of the doom and gloom. i want to help others, be there for my family. it all seems verry overwhelming.

I am new to this.  i never thought i would blog anything.  as you can see i hate to use capital letters and english rules are out the door.  i have always had a hard time spelling and have a learning disability.  as of today i have to find a way to get all of my suffering off my chest.  so here we go. i hate the word deprepression.  i have struggles with it for as long as i can remember.  in 2002 it started to rule my whole life.  well the panic attacks at leist.  within a year it took over.  i am still fighting back.  some days it is all i can do to stay alive.  when the depression is bad realy bad you would find me in my bathtub crying.  fighting the call to end it all. my story is so very long.  i don't know were to start.  ok, depression this feeling leaves me alone.   i feel lonely most of the time.  i feel guilty about this.  i have a wonderful husband and six children sent to me from GOD.  my parents are amazing and help me all they can.  yet still i feel all alone.  day one, jan 23 2012,  my daughter is a hard topic for me she is moving out and has very little contact with our family.  she and all of my children are adopted.  she has had contact with her biological family for about 8 years.  now they are her world.   i wish she knew how mugh i feel for her.  it tears at my heart, this situation we are in.   i have tried many things to be part of her world.  i spent one week contacting her everyday and many others leaving her alone.  i am so confused and i have no clue what she wants from me.   the worst part is how she is treatting her siblings.  i HATE this.  i hope giving this to the blog and to GOD will help me lift some of this burden.  it has made my depression even worst.   my doctor asked me if i had had an event hapen to make my depression better i couldn't even exspress this to him.