I would like to think that my bad periods are a thing of the past.  But, I know that being depressed is just a part of life.  I do not mean that I will live with depression for the rest of my life.  I feel the exact opposite to be true. That a life of depression is not in my future.  I have been without depression for two years, and I  feel very confident that I  have the tools to deal with any future encounter.

What I mean when I write that "being depressed is just a part of life," is that we (Americans and a big chuck of the world) have been led to believe that if we are feeling blue there is something chemically wrong with a brain, and all we need to do is take a magic pill and everything will be alright.  I was never doing great when I was on antidepressants, and I am now a firm believer that for most of the depressed there is very little that an antidepressant can do that something less malignant can do as well or better.  Depression  for me, and for many individuals, is just a reaction to life's stress.  I will never be able to remove the stress from my life, but I have learned and will continue to learn how to deal with the stress and hopefully keep any major episode of depression at bay.

Lately, I have been going through a rough patch.  It is a combination of many things. The winter has been terrible in New England this year.  By terrible I mean that is has been warm and no snow.  Many may find this wonderful.  Last winter I was out skiing and snow shoeing all of the time--not once this year.  And, although it has been warm enough to get on the bike, it is not warm enough to enjoy a really long ride.   The winds can make even  a fairly mild day in the 40s seem cold when I only have two thin layers of clothing between be and the elements.  I was able to get one ride in of 36 miles that was pretty good, but beyond that most rides have hovered around twenty miles. Most weeks I am averaging about 50 miles.

My family recently joined the Y. It is nice that we are finally financially secure enough to join the Y without feeling a financial pinch.  But, exercising inside for me has never been good as getting outside.

The short days are also getting to me.  The one thing that I really hate about the winter is the short days.

However, all of these depressants would be easy to overcome if I could just get over the one big issue that I have been dealing with for the past six years. Lack of full-time employment.  After loosing my teaching job, and going into a deep depression, I did not look for a job for two years. Almost four years ago I got a part-time job at a super market.  Two and a half  years ago I started to look for full-time work. I have not found a thing.

Not only have I found very few jobs to apply to, I have never had a single employer call me. I used to teach, but have found it difficult to look for jobs in education.  I did not have the best experience with teaching, and often feel that no one would want to hire me with my  track record.

I did go back to school and earned a Tech. Writing Certificate from a well regarded university.  But, nothing has come from it.

So, lately my self esteem has been pretty low.  I will be 42 soon, and I work with teenagers and 20 somethings.  I feel that no one is ever going to hire me for a real job for which I can use my brain and my eight years of college.  When I do find a job that I am qualified to do, I am often hesitant to apply because I am sure that nothing will come of it.  Many have asked me why I do not become a manager where I work.  My response is always the same--I hate my job, and have no desire to do it full-time.

I get though these tough periods by being as positive as possible.  I know others are going through what I am going through.  At my daughters bus stop there are several fathers that have been unemployed or underemployed for a very long time.  I do the things that I know will help me get through the day.  I stay busy, and I exercise.  but, on some days it is just damn hard to stay motivated.

Enjoy life,

Peter