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Losing

I'm starting to lose track of myself.

I used to be able to separate my identity from my depression quite well up until about a year ago. I could be normal outwardly, and then come home and cry and slam my head against a wall until the thoughts stopped.  Now everything is miserable and I can't be positive no matter how much I try. I can acknowledge that things are good in my life, but I can't experience joy from them. I've never been this depressed/suicidal for this long and this may be the rut that kills me. I can't live like this. On top of that, everybody I love is beginning to leave me because of it. One of my best friends called it quits on me today, along with my ex-boyfriend a couple months ago, and all my friends before that. My family won't listen to me because they don't believe in mental illness and I don't know what to do.

At this point, there's almost no reason not to kill myself. Other than the fact I would hate to see people "caring" after I'm gone, when they really don't. But I won't be around to see it anyways.

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