Trapped
Breather
Weekend Blues
Compressed
No White Flag here
Refuse Point Blank!!!
a peek at freckles life
Three Years Foward
oreo is home :)
Im just a domino
Let the count down comence!!
Another leap for me :)
o mr sandman give me dream :)
friends Reunited :)
clean freak moi !!!!
smacked with a spade lol!!!
I know the title must sound really crazy but thats exactly what happened to me today hehe.I work with children and i was pretending to be asleep and the children where telling me to wake up and then before i knew it one child gets the plastic spade and smacks me on the head lol...it funny now im writing about it ...bit painful at the time. bless his cotton sock he said sorry and gave me a hug.As you may guess im in a cheer ful mood which i hopes carries on...i now reduced my dose to 20mg getting a few withdrawl symtoms but thats not surpising as i hae jumped from 60mg to 40mg to 20mg..but it isnt affecting me emotionally no crying out burst or emotional melt downs hehe so all's well. I finally have some good news I've gone back to work full time hurray for small steps...as where would i be with out them. Im considering maybe going back on cbt if i need it as im planning too I come off my medicine compelety in a while or soo and it might be good to have that support system up in case i do need it. So far im putting my therapy into practice and it seems to be working... im also chatting in depression chat which really helps me and i have made some wounderful friends.Im also sticking to my routines and its getting easier to do it the more i do it.Im eating healthy and am going for a 30min walk in the evening which i think really helps me as well as giving me some time to think through things and i suppose have me time..lol sounds funny most people would probably pamper themselves for me time but nope nt me i sweating a way walking lol.im gonna close here but stay tuned for the next epsiode lol thinking of you all xx
Harmony is re stored!
So its tuesday evening and a few days or so since i last left a blog.I'm doing okay started planning a weekly planner which if i stick to and follow should help me and also I've added exercise times and slots so i got to try and keep to it. I seem to have started organise things around the flat u know all the boring stuff like washing up and laundry and dont seem to be struggling trying to keep on top of everything.I think having a mess free enviroment really helps me i not really sure why ..maybe its cause there less caos i dnt know and more harmony. Im sipping my cuppa of tea and its soo good i feel all cozy. Im on my 2nd week of 40mg and so far so good.. so im gonna drop it to 20mg next monday(see where that takes me.)Im trying to go back to work full time completely my manager has been really good and im doing 4days now ...im just waiting for her to up it again but she cant seem to tell me...so that is a guessing game. I have to admit it would be lovely to have the extra money ....again....not having to be so tight with it would be a nice change.What else is there for me to report ...i cant think im getting tired ...but ill let you know soon. thinking of you all x
i came i saw i conquered!!!
Today has been Brilliant all that worry for nothing...why do we put ourselves through it I really dnt know and change isnt always bad is it?I faced my fear today and although my stomach wasnt on my side I carried on .. and had some lovely prasies from people which was soo lovely really boosted my confidence so im glad i conqured the fear of going to work some where else just for the day to help out. They were telling me Im good at my job and at some point I should become a room leader cause they know I could do it with out question so its something to think about for the future if something comes up. I also recieved a areo mint chocolate bar for helping out didnt except that what a nice thought.See there's still hope that there are nice people out there for anyone who has lost hope or wish not to believe it.I do wish i could control my anxiety better did affect my sleep last nite but its something I will have to do bit by bit.Is there anything else to same ummm let me think ... O yeah ive decided since im lowering my dose of citalopram im gonna do it longer then doctor recommanded its not worth a relapse is it???Still thinking of kitten names so if you have any feel free to leave a comment I would love to know.Thinking of you all and offering lots of hugs your way xx
small steps...
its me again god being on here is addictive it is a comfort to have as I can just bang on about my ups and downs and wounder about the paths ahead of me.I have decided to just be brave and do what i need to do for work ...i know its scary for me but avoidence is not the idea or answer ..this is a habit that has always come to me in time of change...but i need to get a grip on it ...if im ever going to over come it. I spoke to my doctor to night he said that although citalopram can cause weight gain there could me a number of factors to consider then the drug.He's asked me to keep a eating journal ...soo ive got to be a good girl but maybe that will help me. He given me more tablets for sleep they are a anti d but use at alow dose is a sedative..i ask if i could switch to this drug he wasnt keen on it has some bad side affects like anorexia which i didnt realise so that drug is deffiently out of the equation. Dont get me wrong im happy with my size but anymore weight could cause more problems with my arthritis and i dnt particually want that ... and then i have to start on a drug for that... and ive heard its got some pretty bad side affect so dont even want to go there.Anyways getting back on track he said i can go down to 40mg of citalopram which im very pleased about dont like being on a high dose and he said do that for to weeks and then if im ok i can go down to 20mg and do that for 2wks then see how i go. Is that the best way to lower your dose... or is it gonna cause more problems???Any opionions on that would be very much appericated so please feel free to leave a comment O well just have to wait and see i guess. One step at a time slowly does it. well its getting late so i better try and sleep full day of work tomoz.Write soon i can feel it in me bones lol x
knickers in a twist
Sorry for anyone thinking id write ablog on my knickers lol its the meaning of it was wat i was trying to get across lol.... its the end of the weekend and im sitting here listening to good old brandon flowers ..he is calming me with his words.. as im having a panicky moment.. and ive been in the depression chat trying to vent out my worries ...with some amazing friends i suppose i should give out a shout to markc,tau,tak,chi,rena,catprowler and everyone else for taking the time to try and calm me and being supportive friends :) Im sure u are all right and i will try and nt worry until the time comes and try and think positively if i can.Im seeing the doctor tomorrow so i think that will help as i have some issues with my medication i need to check out.write soonx
opps I did it again
Well its a boring thursay and im in my pjs not working today as my ibs is bugging me again. I was going to go in but you know what sometimes you have to look after yourself and think of yourself then what others think and try not to worry.I will ring work later and I will go back in tomorrow hopefully it will have settled down.Opps i did it again ..I havent taken my medication for the past few day... please dnt give me puppy dog eyes and make me feel bad....cause I kinda forgot..I swear its the honest truth I just cant get in a routine of taking them...I want to but I completey forget...I do wat ppl say leave them here etc etc...but i just cant get my self into getting them especially as I when im down alot of things I need to do go out the window.Part of me is cross with my self the other is like well DO YOU REALLY NEED THEM???!Its like battling with two different personalities at the same time...one telling me to be the good sensible women and the other is like come on you know you can sort yourself out if you really tryed..other people cope so why cant you? So difficult sometimes... cause you then have to think who's this going to effect cause you know its not just you...but then you have the selfish part of you that says forget it dnt want to realie o these forever do you??Are they the only things that are ever gonna make you function and with out them ...you cant surive? Too many thoughts i tell you swishing inside this head of mine.x
I can see the light...again lol
The fog in my head seem to be shifting and im starting to think clearly again yay!! I hope this continues and soon i will feeel more my self.In a better place today then i have been..work seemed really good and i was able to achieve alot today...so I am secreatly pleased ...cause it taken soo long for me to start achieveing stuff again.Possibly thinking of getting a kitten have to kitten proof the flat i think lol...it would be nice to have a kitten around...this little fluff ball....as long as it aint spiting out fur balls lol...just have to think of what we need and cost first be for it is a positive 100% yes... as it not just me its hubby to think of too...but he loves cats ...so i dnt think it will take a lot of persudeing lol...nah only jking if he said nah then that would still be cool ... he is worth alot to me and he comes first....apart from food thats mine lol only joking ..gonna leave it now going all silly x
Here's Monday!
It's the start of the week dnt know if i should smile or frown...im feeling rather numb...and i have this annyoning headache which wont ease off i think its stress...the thought of going to work full time..as well as the anit d's which ive notice have made my appetite alot more and even when ive been brilliant ..ive noticed the pounds creeping up ...i know its the med's cause ive been the same weight for yrs and yrs..its nt bad only half a stone i think and apparenty no one notices it ...BUT ...I do...and i dnt want to get to a point where im really big cause i know these tablets can do that...which makes me think come off them. I have also been have some negative thoughts this weekend ...im try to put my cbt into practice but its a really battle...i suppose wen your used to doing certain things it become habit ...and some habits are soo hard to break. I aslo feel im in this circle that going round and round like a merry go round except i cant stop.i dnt want to let people down again...so am trying to put a brave face on it...will i ever get rid of these masks...they arent gonna come off one day i can feel it.I've booked a doctors appointment I think maybe if i have a chat now might help...me.I suppose I'll just have to see how this weekend goes...day by day and try and think of positive things about myself. thats it for now i thinkx
i wanna scream....so bad!!!
My life is on hold ....its like nothing really will ever change nt BIG things anyways....cause i cant sort my self out can i so nothing can move on. Im screaming inside right now ....i want to get out of this sad depressing place and be some where fun ,bright and full of laughter.It just feels like im crumbling and i cant repair my self quick enough does that make sense.....????x
lets's try this again....
this is like my 4th attempted to try and write a blog and if this works i will shout wohooooooooooooo!!(very loudly)I really need this blog as im starting to feel down ...and im nt gonna give up or anything i just hope writing something down may pick me up again. Cause im feeling very emotional and im struggling to process all these feelings.... and its starting to affect me...x