So its another weekend ...so close to Christmas too...and it's actually sunk in that this festive holiday is upon me. My head was in a pretty bad place few weeks ago but having switched medication and it been increased ...I feel like my old self is appearing again and others have commented on the change which is good as it reminds me something is definatly changing and taking place. I feel annyoned that I put the Christmas decorations up not feeling a shed of happiness or emotion this year.. if I'm honest at the time it felt like a chore and made me feel very fake as Christmas tends to be holiday where most people are very excited and when you are dealing with mental health issues this holiday can feel like you have to be even more happier then usal so a bigger mask is needed to cover the already cracked mask your currently wearing to show that wider fake smile of 'I'm fine' which if your completely honest = I'm lost alone in my thoughts trapped behind a mask and wall of depression and anxiety. All I know is I'm glad I changed my medication and got it adjusted ...it's nice to be able to function more...when I first wrote this blog one of my hopes was I would be off medication...where as now I do feel very differenly about it and don't feel ashamed of taking it ...I have accepted it is an illness and why can't I get it treated like any other illness.. if I could solely just do therapy then I would but I find altho it does help....tablets combined really make a difference to me personally...I become me again which is so nice. All I know is that different things work for different people for me a combination of CBT and medication seems to help me a lot. So this Christmas should be less anxious and more relaxed with sprinkles of calmness...and I start having one to one therapy again so hopefully I can work on my self more. Take care for now my anxiety/depression fighters :)

I'm at home ...I really wanted to push myself to go to work but the panic attacks from last nite and lack of sleep have just worn me out completely...I feel torn on each way I look at this coin of depression/Anxiety between guilt for not going,feeling useless and the thought I have let people down but then on the flip side hear myself saying you need a break a day isn't going to hurt if you catch up on sleep ..speak to a doctor ...and try and not stay bed but do tiny tasks around the house to keep myself busy... maybe it's what you should do.I know I have been in this place main times before ...and I have recovered ...but it is a hard struggle ...which some get and others don't have a clue. Luckily I had a phone call with the most loveliest Doctor today...she was professional but showed care, concern. empathy and actually a tone in her voice of general wanting to help....she told me sounds like I'm doing all I can and the switching of medication and it's side effects is possibly what's adding to make me to be more on edge and painky...it was a hard thought of switching but I just knew citalopram wasn't really helping...so I couldn't win...either way there would be a chance I would be down for a while so what did I have to lose from switching. So I am to give it another week and will up it to 20mg on the weekend and report back if no change...I'm not expecting it to kick in like waving a magic wand but I don't want to leave to long . I have had a good cry which has been building up for last few days maybe that will help a little. Part 2 Next day pushed my self into work ..it wasn't easy hard to to focus when your head is banging and chest is pounding but i managed to do a full day honestly don't know how but I made it. Dilema work do...do i go or not ....feeling the way i have been I wanted to crawl under a rock and hid there but with support and enouragment from my husband ...I went ...at first felt unease ...new place out ...and what if i cant interact with others...well I shouldn't have worried some how i did connect and actually shed a laugh showing somewhere in this cloud of depression I am here after all just buried deep ...but I am doing what I can I will speak to someone in a couple of weeks and I have another doctors appointment so haven't given up yet which I guess is something.xx

It was a tough start to a week with one thing or another and to be honest I guess I shouldn't of been too surprised after the weekend blues...but I have to admit the support I have received from work colleagues, friends,family has been overwhelming...it has really hit home that by being honest and open about my depression and anxiety...that not everyone is going to judge like you worry they might ...there are more open minded people who generally care about you more then you ever realised or thought ...this is what I have realised and its opened my eyes ...that with support I can move forward, hold on my hope,have people I can be myself with and if I need to cry I can let it out. I'm glad that I have learnt this other wise If I hadn't off opened up were would I be..?? I'm not out of the woods yet ...I know I need to slow down ...I made the attempt to attend my evening class ...and although I stayed 2 hours out of 2 and half hours ....I couldn't concentrate,focus;got more frustrated...and eventually left early for I could feel the tears building up. Lesson learnt from this...yes some times to good to try and keep busy but sometimes over doing it just burns you out quicker..you gotta pace your self and if you do say yes don't put pressure your self to do what you would normal do if you weren't going through this period of depression/anxiety. The one thing I did feel for going was at least I tried it ...I could have easily curled up and hid form the world...my duvet was calling me ..I just wanted to wrap it around me like a piece of safety and armour...but at least I gave it ago..it's an achievement but next time if I'm really struggling I see how I feel...maybe an evening which included worry time/putting CBT into practice /using mindfulness/going for a walking some exercise might have been worth considering more. But its hard to judge things ...because sometimes when your down if you miss one things it harder to get Yourself motivated.. to go back so I think that is why I pushed myself to go ...I was worried it may roll into me missing more classes and although it's not my ideal class I don't want to give up on ...deep down I know what ever result I get at least I tried. All I know is I need to try and balance things its tricky I guess I have to weigh things up on the scale of life. I'm going to try again with my doctors again to more hopefully 3rd time lucky and will definitely be contacting my other support ...and the conclusion about the promotion debate ...is to make a decision once I have sorted my medication and speak to someone...I do not want to rush into a decision I may later regret ...because my mind is all over the place.I need to rest now so take care to you all xx

Why do I have to fall apart on a weekend ...seriously annyonning as its the only two days I get to de stress instead of re-stress. Don't know what has gotten into me these past few weeks ...seem to be having bout of tears on and off ....I don't feel silly for having them ...if it's my bodies way off getting some of these emotions off my chest then who am I to argue with that.The thing I find most fustrating is that how can I tell if it's the real me speaking or depression this is a tricky dilema. I'm torn currently ...I was promoted in August and for the first time in years and I mean years thought I could do it, know don't get me know I know I have the abilities and capability of doing it ...I've actually seen my self at work and had feed back of the positive kind.The thing is here comes the but ...I'm struggling with anxiety and depression it is creeping in ...and it is making me question what is more important my health or the promotion. The added pressure and responsibilities are definatly affecting me ..don't get me wrong I like my job but I think I really need to think what's best for me...I don't need to prove my self to others...altho sometimes you feel like you have to.I've decided that I would see how I felt by December if it would be the right thing for me. For me an achievement of trying something new and sticking for it for 5 months I think is something to be celebrated ...people may think I'm a quitter ...but I don't see it that way... and I guess I'm the only person that needs to know this and not let others cloud my vision.All I can say is I did something I thought I'd never do..I know I really need to think carefully on this ...I know when you down this is the worst time to make descions so I need to make sure I haven't thought on this likely. Plan on going to doctors and sorting my medication out and maybe speak to someone professional..always good to have others thoughts espically as when you get down sometimes you only get tunnel vision. I haven't given up ..I'm still going even if it become a snail pace ...I won't stop. I just need to get my head in order and break all these thoughts down into small achieveable chunks.I leave this for now as I could really do with a cuppa but I thinking of u all like always.x

so it's an other day, an other blog entry. I keep getting suffocating inside type feeling ....weather any of you can relate to this I honestly don't know...maybe if I try and describe it a little more. I really don't think is a full blown panic attack or so wonder if a kinda mini one does exist, I just suddenly feel overwhelmed with the pressure of things I need to keep track off and it feels like there is pressure on my chest not enough to stop me breathing but it effects me to some degree I have noticed them become more frequent recently. I have had these doubting thoughts recently on and off ...some I have managed to brush off using the CBT I learned and others haven't been so easy and are still niggling away at me. I do feel that with all the things that have been going on in my life recently it is kinda understandable that I might actually be a bit down...so I should't be to hard on myself but some times it's not that easy and you navigate yourself into the path of the the dreaded BURN OUT where you just carry on feeling the way your do and till you literally bang against a brick wall. I don't think I have reached that destination but I do know that my course has slightly gone on a detour which wasn't planned but like all things in like you can't always predict the outcome of ever thing or control it either.I will keep tabs on my mood and I guess try and take life daily ...I know things are on uneven ground currently but I will just keep being honest with the way I feel and I shall not hide it ...but most of all I will go back to my GP and I will remind my self this is an illness like any other and I'm allowed treatment for it . I have an early start in the morning so will stop here .Thinking of you all take care my anxiety/depression warriors :)

Been along week and although I'm committed to solidering onwith this battle ...I am seeing my self get hit with ammo ...thoughts don't seem to quiet down they are still tugging at me and sitting on my shoulders..whispering constantly... do not want to surrender I have no intentions of waving the white flag and giving up...tho I'm worn down due to stomach issues I do not want to give up on where I have come so far. To reach a point in your life where u feel u have achieved a lot I will not let this anxiety/depression stalker pushing me give up to just fail egging me on...I may be down but im not out...I will still cross this finishing line. I will solider on and will constantly remind my self there can be good days that they actually do happen and to treasure them when they do occur.I know winter is upon us and I swear it is adding to the sadness that is starting to set root inside but I hope that I will not let these root inbed in me and I will get the strengthen to up root them. I don't know weather I make a lot of sense I just know getting this out of my system really does help me focus again....I think this is all I can manage to night ..I need to re charge x

It's a Sunday nite and I'm having a musical evening....letting all those emotions spill out of me in a healthy way and allowing those worries to fade into the back ground after I acknowledged them FIRST and told them whats was what.I have realised I'm focussed on moving forward and to not let my journey be halted I refuse to let anxiety and depression hold me back from all this new light in my life I refuse to hide back in the shadows turning away from everything I realised was so meaning full so moving and important in my life...I refuse refuse point blank to let my self go back I'm a survivor and will not be the victim again.... I'm strong and my words are my Power to push anxiety/depression back over the line they crossed ...I will use my voice and shout back ...I will not bottle up and be emotionless.. I will stand and fight to keep this ME alive ..the me I've come to like who looks back at me with kindness ...who offers compasssion who refuses to give up....I know the ride won't be easy ..I know the darkness will creep in and try to convince me I'm worth nothing and life is too much for me ...that I should run from the future and bury my head in the sand...I know there will be moments where I will be tested but I hold on to HOPE ...I know i keep coming back to this word but it is the thing that keeps me going on. Don't give up you are still in there tho you may think you are lost forever...you will break free just keep onto the light let it be your guide and don't run away from help let it be your rope to pull you out from the doom and gloom and into new beginnings. Random post full of emotions flooding from the tip of my tounge onto the pages of this blog from a girl who can relate ..who's been there and battles on :)

Well currently I'm at home recovering from my operation nothing serious just an investigation type procedure....I'm glad it's over I'm in shock that I'm so chirpy but hey what you gonna do. Well normally I would be at work ..yes I'm still working and actually things have changed in that department I actually took on a promotion...moi can you believe that...depression and anxiety would normally have set in and said YOU do that yea I'll believe that when I see it ....but they are not the boss of me it's taken me a long while to realise that anything is possible and I can choose how how I'm going to respond to these new situation ... and that I do actually have the power and the control to change these situations...YES I have a voice. I actually found this interesting quote and I find it inspiring so we use the word fear and it has two meanings the First:- Forget Everything And Run Second:-Face Everything And Rise The choice is ours to decide. Any ways I have realised that I'm worth a lot more then I ever realised and that I need to be compassionate to myself ...its amazing how much you bet your self up over things..well I'm trying to give my self a break from that habit. Good point to everyone don't push away a worry it will come back ten thousand times worse ...you face it and you say'I acknowledged you but I don't have to believe you.' I have come to realise as a person who faces anxiety many of us are like meerkats we are ready on alert to protect our self's from the danger doesn't matter how small we are on guard waiting for the worst we are defending our territory. Life doesn't have to be that way challenge you thoughts the more you accept them the more they eat you up don't feed them ...don't give them the satisfaction of this. I just want to say their is a light out of the tunnel ...that there are ways to get this under contol and bearable ..for those of you living in UK look up Steps to well being ...brillant service only in certain areas so those not able to recieve it or from another country I recommand a free cbt website called mood gym ...just google and it will come lol. Always feel free to comment with questions I'm happy to reply :)x

Hello followers, Been along while for update... sorry for that. Life is on the up...I won't say I'm fixed but I am fighter ... I'm stronger then I ever realised...so keep the HOPE and never let it fade life is forever changing you never know what's round the corner...the world is out there grab it with both arms and embrace it. For all of you thinking is she for real well I can honestly say therapy has helped me a great deal..couple of months back had intense cognitive behavioural therapy is def something I would encourage others to look into ...I'm challenging my thoughts every day its not easy but putting these techniques into place has brought me some moments of peace.Saw some of your comments and they got me thinking I may consider starting a twitter page...when I started this blog I never really thought of the comments I would receive..for me at the time I was wrapped in a coat of anxiety and depression this was a place to hang out thoughts good or bad and let them air out ...for me to collect them in again and sort through them.It's nice to know its helped others. I also going to share some important tips which maybe useful for all of you going through anxiety/depression:- *Always use the what if question and use it regularly what is the worst that could possibly happen in a situation? Maybe you need to break your problem down or write a plan of action to help...I'll tell you something doing that has made me feel more in control. *Thought diary and positive diary is something to think about starting *Set a time during the day where you can have worry time ...this is where u can worry about anything and during the day u can write ur problems down for worry time *Don't isolate yourself/withdrawl or avoid people this just adds fire to the depression *Try new things ...seriously you never know it could be the best thing that ever happened to you. *Heard of mind fullness? If not seriously google it something to add into you day *Don't be hard on yourself/take little steps and don't expect things to automatically change ..give time ...time *Always use a compassionate buddy question'what would my friends or others say to me...or what would I say to them if they where feeling this way? these are some things I try and use and put into play in my life and you know what you can do this too and don't be dishearten if you forget to use something...try again the next day...seriously you should all be thinking how amazing you are to get help that takes courage and I'll tell you something I salut you for it :) xx

Can't believe how fast time flys ...you spend ages counting the days then when the day comes it goes as faster then u wished.I've finished work on holiday now for 17days and to be honest i think i really need this break my anxiety has been playing up again im not suprised just wish i had better control on it...i had to do parents evening,have a christmas party and sort out the chirstmas carol concert and that being PERFECT issuse started to creep up on me...with a big amount of anxiety. So as you can guess the stress has been upon me and it doesnt help that people at my work place our constantly moaning about every nook and cranny.The problem i have with this is that it rubs on to everyone else and then it really hard to shake off and you get all the negative thoughts that u have been working so hard nt worry about and suppress. My problem i think is that i want to be happy all the time and once something happens which is bad the failer feeling kicks in and then i loss my confidence and self esteem and have to figure out who i am again. But as i write today im feeling rather calm and at peace with my self which is a truely nice feeling to have. We picked up Oreo our kitten on friday and he is a little bundle of joy and he has made me laugh alot this weekend which is a really nice emotion to feel. I guess i should write more but i feel the need to just leave it here and maybe pick up where i left of later maybe.Thinking of you all xx

The weekend is pretty much over im trying soo hard not to cry or climb into bed and curl up from the world.Im trying to hold it together but i feel like a domino lined up in one of those cute patterens and woundering how long will it be before i push my self over the edge and become serverly depressed again... i guess its a waiting game like all things in life.I feel the mask starting to cover my face so i can hide the sadness and sorrow.But the thing i hate the most is not really know y i feel like this yes i have afew things going on but im coping ... im nt feeling agreat an ways with the stupid cold and maybe thats where the low feeling began ... i dnt know.I think i need to re think things maybe a high dose is needed or having cbt might be a good idea again as my thoughts have been starting to be nt as positive as i would like. Im getting the kitten this week and im hopeing that having him will make me feel alil less sad dnt get me wrong im nt getting a kitten as a pick me up. Ive just waited along time to get him and i was worried the lady might sell him to someone else anxiety i guess so to have him will be like a dream come true. Maybe is just cause theres alot going on at once and once i got one thing out of the way i feel calmer.i need to get my panic diary out and start writing before i lose all my engery and enthesaim to do anything. I just wish this would go away i wanna stay in remission is that wat they call it? i dnt wanna relaspe again ive come so far it would be a shame to lose it now.i dnt want to worry hubby he doesnt need this ...he has done so much for me i dnt wanna let him down. i need to take a breather otherwise my tears may drop on my computer causing it to blow up lol (sorry i just needed a laugh some hope) write laters thinking of u all xx

Another week has gone by and what can i say hmmm well i have two big things happening in my life which I have to keep confidental at present (it wont be for long and i will let you in on my two lil secrets)But for know I'll tell you some exciting knews which i can actually say lol... we saw a litter of kittens last saturday and are completely in love with a lil boy kitten which we will be picking up on the 17th of december yippy...hubby has also kitten proofed flat yay and we have all the kitten bits so were pretty much organised.We have put up the christmas tree im nt sure how long it will stay up with a kitten around i guess we will just have to wait and see.But i cant wait to hold him in my arms and provided him will all the love in the world.My husband choose him he couldnt stop going awww awww he's so cute can we have him lol he's such a softy..i was holding the little girl kitten and she didnt want to let me go shame we cant take both but i think one is enough we have to be realist sometimes that can really suck at times lol. I can finally tell you my first bit of big news i have been made a room assistant in the depression chat room and i just hope that i can give back all that it has given me and more.Im gonna have to turn on the heating in a minute it is so cold im typeing this blog entry in my gloves can you believe that lol!im just having a well deserved rest as i have done some paper work for work and hopefully i will finish it completely this week and then its count down christmas woop woop and two weeks off.life just seems to getting better all the time and i really try and think of all the lil positvie things going on then focus on the negative.Had a nice time in town yesterday went to the german market and met up with family and it was just a perfect day ...keep them coming is all i can say lol. Write laters thinking of u all as always xx

Wow im up early ...way to early especially on my day off lol well my sleep is shot to pieces and i'm nt gonna sleepin im gonna make myself as tired as possible.Im really pleased with myself I got my pay slip this week and i thought is this worth looking at cause i know i will have just enought money to cover bills but as luck turned out i have finally been given my full wage silly me i must have mucked up wen i thought i would have it again. So it was a lovely suprise and just in time for christmas and getting the kitten every little helps so they say hehe.It also made me realise how far ive come ...i mean at one stage i wasnt even fit for work so to be back and to be on full wage is a big thing for me.All i can say to any one who is reading this is you can bounce back from depression im not going to say its ease and your life will be perfect cause life doesnt work that way but there is hope you have to work at it and I encourage anyone who hasnt been to see a doctor to go ...(no pressure)..just it could be the answer you have been looking for to get your life back on track and i recommanded cbt also if your stuggling with anxiety also.If you cant talk to your doctor write everything down on paper and give to him/her ...thats what i did.Also if your doctor isnt taking your seriously go to another doctor.Remeber doctors are all differnt and human dnt give up on the first try.For anyone who is struggling feel free to leave acomment and i would love to offer you some support, i cant say i can give you all th answers your looking for but im here to listen and offer advice if i can and im nt going to judge you if your worried about that im not like that at all.Also it would be lovely to make some friendships :) thinking of you all as always xx p.s have paid the deposit to estate agents for the kitten so we can have akitten now yay!

Like the title says i want mr sandman!!! lol My sleep patteren has changed again will it ever give me a break..im starting to stuggle getting off to sleep again..so tonite with a heavy heart im gonna try one of my sedaive tablets ..using it for a couple of days then leaving it and praying that it will settle me into a properly pattern again.I hate to use them. Ive also decided that this going down to 20mg and having one evey other day is maybe too soon for me as im getting bad headaches so starting monday im gonna split my 20 in 10 and take it everyday...and they do the whole one everyday thing.It feels like a bit of a back step for me ...but if that wat it takes for me to recover properly then so be it.Work has been fantastic this week ive been on a complete hype lol even with the headaches.. and my paper work is soo complete i guess i'l have to start on a new project.Im trying to keep my mouth zipped at work..there this certain someone who is so mean...to others.. i did have a word and tryed to defend the person she was talking about,i was mature and wasnt mean back that is soo nt my style ..it really hurts me that ppl have to be soo cold hearted and treat people like dirt..why cant they give everyone a chance? I guess im gonna have to bite my tounge ..i dont want to turn bitter about it bitter does nonone any good.Im speaking to my friend who i got reunited with so far so good i hope we dnt drift apart again ..its werid we dnt fall out we just drift i suppose are world are similar but in someway completely different.im still counting down the day till we get a kitten..this week coming we are going to the estate agents and paying the deposit for us to have a cat..then we will start getting all the cat bits ...its soo exciting but feels still far away its the one thing im focusing on that is keeping me positive ..this weather doesnt help either.anyways write soon thinking of u allxx

its a grizzy day full of rain outside but that hasnt dampened my day one bit.I have been decorating yet again this weekend the flat looks so much nicer and at least it will be done before the kitten arrives.I decided to distract myself with decorating as my mood started to dip on friday so i thought if i kept myself busy ...it may help... which it really did. After i finished painting i felt good about what i had achieved...and that made me thinking about relapsing and nt going back to that place. Its so hard when u get the slightest hint of negativity not to bring those feeling flooding back.Im defentily having withdrawl systoms at the moment..i hope i can deal with them..i guess i'll just have to ride this storm out.Anyways back on today thoughts i decided to ring an old friend we have been through alot together both suffereing at different times with anxiety and depression and other issues.We havent seen eachother god maybe over a yr or soo maybe longer we kinda drifted apart i guess. So i decided to ring i knew there was achance i may nt get areply and in the end left a answer phone msg .. and thought the balls in her court ...and about 20mins later she rang me which is very rare...and we catched up for a good half an hour it was like we'd never been apart how strange...i feel a great feeling has been restored in me...i feel like ive compleatly forgiven her for things that have happened and i hope a new begining is out there for both of us as ive know her since umm i was 2 or 3yrs old and for some reason i just cant give up on this friendship...i dont know how to explain it ..i suppose weve been through soo much i cant just give up on it cause i care for her alot and i know in her own way she feels the same way about me too she just show it slighty differently but i can see it. We've exchange emails and added eachother on msn.. and she's chatting to me right now .. like nt long after i started writing this blog. I just hope we stay incontact.. im nt gonna get my hopes up too high.. cause i dnt want to get disappointed ..but i have a good feeling. anyways gonna go and make a cuppa tea. Thinking of u all xx

its a another day in the life of freckles and im doing pretty darn good ....im up to date with all my paperwork so that will make my worklife alot more bearable and hopefully me less stressed and running around like a headless chicken lol.Im on a tidy mission at present and im constantly struggling to sit still... i run around the flat sorting out everything and it has to look a certain way i have know idea why but i think i do have a certain amount of ocd... as i dnt just put things in order for example cd's must be in alphabetical order,must be a catogorie like horror,comedy... then there's the kitchen cupboard again in order and the tins and stuff my be the right way round so i can see what is what... it can be chucked in ... now is this a sign of just me being bit ocd or just having good common sense???please let me know what you think as I may bring this up agian to the doctor ...but then i think im not to serve cause some people count dont they but wen im under stress i do have to touch things ...for example i worry door isnt locked so will run back pull handle and like to hear the noise that its lock...but i will happily well nt happily but i will run back to touch it or other things a few times.Hmm just have to try not to do that i guess... i guess that ...go along the lines of my assive cleaning too. I have great new's im finally sleep properly without using sleeping tablets ..i seem to drop off easier and am able to go back to sleep if i get up and need the loo ...sooo a BIG YAY!!!!Im also on my second week of taking 20mg ...and im slow gonna wean my self off them like one every other day starting from next week as i dont see to be having a withdrawal systoms at present so taking that as a good sign. Gonna stop now as im distracted have my mum chatting to me on msn ..but as always im thinking of you all x

I know the title must sound really crazy but thats exactly what happened to me today hehe.I work with children and i was pretending to be  asleep and the children where telling me to wake up and then before i knew  it one child gets the plastic spade and smacks me on the head lol...it funny now im writing about it ...bit painful at the time. bless his cotton sock he said sorry and gave me a hug.As you may guess im in a cheer ful mood which i hopes carries on...i now reduced my dose to 20mg getting a few withdrawl symtoms but thats not surpising as i hae jumped from 60mg to 40mg to 20mg..but it isnt affecting me emotionally no crying out burst or emotional melt downs hehe so all's well. I finally have some good news I've gone back to work full time hurray for small steps...as where would i be with out them. Im considering maybe going back on cbt if i need it as im planning too I come off my medicine compelety in a while or soo and it might be good to have that support system up in case i do need it. So far im putting my therapy into practice and it seems to be working... im also chatting in depression chat which really helps me and i have made some wounderful friends.Im also sticking to my routines and its getting easier to do it the more i do it.Im eating healthy and am going for a 30min walk in the evening which i think really helps me as well as giving me some time to think through things and i suppose have me time..lol sounds funny most people would probably pamper themselves for me time but nope nt me i sweating a way walking lol.im gonna close here but stay tuned for the next epsiode lol thinking of you all xx

So its tuesday evening and a few days or so since i last left a blog.I'm  doing okay started planning a weekly planner which if  i stick to and follow should help me and also I've added exercise times and slots so i got to try and keep to it. I  seem to have started organise things around the flat u know all the boring stuff like washing up and laundry and dont seem to be struggling trying to keep on top of everything.I think having a mess free enviroment really helps me i not really sure why ..maybe its cause there less caos i dnt know and more harmony. Im sipping my cuppa of tea and its soo good i feel all cozy. Im on my 2nd week of 40mg and so far so good.. so im gonna drop it to 20mg next monday(see where that takes me.)Im trying to go back to work full time completely my manager has been really good and im doing 4days now ...im just waiting for her to up it again but she cant seem to tell me...so that is a guessing game. I have to admit it would be lovely to have the extra money ....again....not having to be so tight with it would be a nice change.What else is there for me to report ...i cant think im getting tired ...but ill let you know soon. thinking of you all x

Today has been Brilliant all that worry for nothing...why do we put ourselves through it I really dnt know and change isnt always bad is it?I faced my fear today and although my stomach wasnt on my side  I carried on .. and had some lovely prasies from people which was soo lovely really boosted my confidence so im glad i conqured the fear of going to work some where else just for the day to help out. They were telling me Im good at my job and at some point I should become a room leader cause they know I could do it with out question so its something to think about for the future if something comes up. I also recieved a areo mint chocolate bar for helping out  didnt except that what a nice thought.See there's still hope that there are nice people out there for anyone who has lost hope or wish not to believe it.I do wish i could control my anxiety better did affect my sleep last nite but its something I will have to do bit by bit.Is there anything else to same  ummm let me think ... O yeah ive decided since im lowering my dose of citalopram im gonna do it longer then doctor recommanded its not worth a relapse is it???Still thinking of kitten names so if you have any feel free to leave a comment  I would love to know.Thinking of you all and offering lots of hugs your way xx

its me again god being on here is addictive it is a comfort to have as I can just bang on about my ups and downs and wounder about the paths ahead of me.I have decided to just be brave and do what i need to do for work ...i know its scary for me but  avoidence is not the idea or answer ..this is a habit that has always come to me in time of change...but i need to get a grip on it ...if im ever going to over come it. I spoke to my doctor to night he said that although citalopram can cause weight gain there could me a number of factors to consider then the drug.He's asked me to keep a eating journal ...soo ive got to be a good girl but maybe that will help me. He given me more tablets for sleep they are a anti d but use at alow dose is a sedative..i ask if i could switch to this drug he wasnt keen on it has some bad side affects like anorexia which i didnt realise so that drug is deffiently out of the equation. Dont get me wrong im  happy with my size but anymore weight could cause more problems with my arthritis and i dnt particually want that ... and then i have to start on a drug for that... and ive heard its got some pretty bad side affect so dont even want to go there.Anyways getting back on track he said i can go down to 40mg of citalopram which im very pleased about dont like being on  a high dose and he said do that for to weeks and then if im ok i can go down to 20mg and do that for 2wks then see how i go. Is that the best way to lower your dose... or is it gonna cause more problems???Any opionions on that would be very much appericated so please feel free to leave a comment O well just have to wait and see i guess. One step at a time slowly does it. well its getting late so i better try and sleep full day of work tomoz.Write soon i can feel it in me bones lol x

Sorry for anyone thinking id write ablog on my knickers lol its the meaning of it was wat i was trying to get across lol.... its the end of the weekend and im sitting here listening to good old brandon flowers ..he is calming me with his words.. as im having a panicky moment.. and ive been in the depression chat trying to vent out my worries ...with some amazing friends i suppose i should give out a shout to markc,tau,tak,chi,rena,catprowler and everyone else for taking the time to try and calm me and being supportive friends :) Im sure u are all right and i will try and nt worry until the time comes and try and think positively if i can.Im seeing the doctor tomorrow so i think that will help as i have some issues with my medication i need to check out.write soonx

Well its a boring thursay and im in my pjs not working today as my ibs is bugging me again. I was going to go in but you know what sometimes you have to look after yourself and think of yourself then what others think and try not to worry.I will ring work later and I will go back in tomorrow hopefully it will have settled down.Opps i did it again ..I havent taken my medication for the past few day... please dnt give me puppy dog eyes and make me feel bad....cause I kinda forgot..I swear its the honest truth I just cant get in a routine of taking them...I want to but I completey forget...I do wat ppl say leave them here etc etc...but i just cant get my self into getting them especially as I when im down alot of things I need to do go out the window.Part of me is cross with my self the other is like well DO YOU REALLY NEED THEM???!Its like battling with two different personalities at the same time...one telling me to be the good sensible women and the other is like come on you know you can sort yourself out if you really tryed..other people cope so why cant you? So difficult sometimes... cause you then have to think who's this going to effect cause you know its not just you...but then you have the selfish part of you that says forget it dnt want to realie o these forever do you??Are they the only things that are ever gonna make you function and with out them  ...you cant surive? Too many thoughts i tell you swishing inside this head of mine.x

The fog in my head seem to be shifting and im starting to think clearly again yay!! I hope this continues and soon i will feeel more my self.In a better place today then i have been..work seemed really good and i was able to achieve alot today...so I am secreatly pleased ...cause it taken soo long for me to start achieveing stuff again.Possibly thinking of getting a kitten have to kitten proof the flat i think lol...it would be nice to have a kitten around...this little fluff ball....as long as it aint spiting out fur balls lol...just have to think of what we need and cost first be for it is a positive 100% yes... as it not just me its hubby to think of too...but he loves cats ...so i dnt think it will take a lot of persudeing lol...nah only jking if he said nah then that would still be cool ... he is worth alot to me and he comes first....apart from food thats mine lol only joking ..gonna leave it now going all silly x

It's the  start of the week dnt know if i should smile or frown...im feeling rather numb...and i have this annyoning headache which wont  ease off i think its stress...the thought of going to work full time..as well as the anit d's which ive notice have made my appetite alot more and even when ive been brilliant ..ive noticed the pounds creeping up ...i know its the med's cause ive been the same weight for yrs and yrs..its nt bad only half a stone i think and apparenty no one notices it ...BUT ...I do...and i dnt want to get to a point where im really big cause i know these tablets can do that...which makes me think come off them. I have also been have some negative thoughts this weekend ...im try to put my cbt into practice but its a really battle...i suppose wen your used to doing certain things it become habit ...and some habits are soo hard to break. I aslo feel im in  this circle that going round and round like a merry go round except i cant stop.i dnt want to let people down again...so am trying to put a brave face on it...will i ever get rid of these masks...they arent gonna come off one day i can feel it.I've booked a doctors appointment I think maybe if i have a chat now might help...me.I suppose I'll just have to see how this weekend goes...day by day and try and think of positive things about myself. thats it for now i thinkx

 

My life is on hold ....its like nothing really will ever change nt BIG things anyways....cause i cant sort my self out can i so nothing can move on. Im screaming inside right now ....i want to get out of this sad depressing place and be some where  fun ,bright and full of laughter.It just feels like im crumbling and i cant repair my self quick enough does that make sense.....????x

this is like my 4th attempted to try and write a blog and if this works i will shout wohooooooooooooo!!(very loudly)I really need this blog as im starting to feel down ...and im nt gonna give up or anything i just hope writing something down may pick me up again. Cause im feeling very emotional and im struggling to process all these feelings.... and its starting to affect me...x