Freckles_Thoughts

Can't believe how fast time flys ...you spend ages counting the days then when the day comes it goes as faster then u wished.I've finished work on holiday now for 17days and to be honest i think i really need this break my anxiety has been playing up again im not suprised just wish i had better control on it...i had to do parents evening,have a christmas party and sort out the chirstmas carol concert and that being PERFECT issuse started to creep up on me...with a big amount of anxiety. So as you can guess the stress has been upon me and it doesnt help that people at my work place our constantly moaning about every nook and cranny.The problem i have with this is that it rubs on to everyone else and then it really hard to shake off and you get all the negative thoughts that u have been working so hard nt worry about and suppress. My problem i think is that i want to be happy all the time and once something happens which is bad the failer feeling kicks in and then i loss my confidence and self esteem and have to figure out who i am again. But as i write today im feeling rather calm and at peace with my self which is a truely nice feeling to have. We picked up Oreo our kitten on friday and he is a little bundle of joy and he has made me laugh alot this weekend which is a really nice emotion to feel. I guess i should write more but i feel the need to just leave it here and maybe pick up where i left of later maybe.Thinking of you all xx

The weekend is pretty much over im trying soo hard not to cry or climb into bed and curl up from the world.Im trying to hold it together but i feel like a domino lined up in one of those cute patterens and woundering how long will it be before i push my self over the edge and become serverly depressed again... i guess its a waiting game like all things in life.I feel the mask starting to cover my face so i can hide the sadness and sorrow.But the thing i hate the most is not really know y i feel like this yes i have afew things going on but im coping ... im nt feeling agreat an ways with the stupid cold and maybe thats where the low feeling began ... i dnt know.I think i need to re think things maybe a high dose is needed or having cbt might be a good idea again as my thoughts have been starting to be nt as positive as i would like. Im getting the kitten this week and im hopeing that having him will make me feel alil less sad dnt get me wrong im nt getting a kitten as a pick me up. Ive just waited along time to get him and i was worried the lady might sell him to someone else anxiety i guess so to have him will be like a dream come true. Maybe is just cause theres alot going on at once and once i got one thing out of the way i feel calmer.i need to get my panic diary out and start writing before i lose all my engery and enthesaim to do anything. I just wish this would go away i wanna stay in remission is that wat they call it? i dnt wanna relaspe again ive come so far it would be a shame to lose it now.i dnt want to worry hubby he doesnt need this ...he has done so much for me i dnt wanna let him down. i need to take a breather otherwise my tears may drop on my computer causing it to blow up lol (sorry i just needed a laugh some hope) write laters thinking of u all xx

Another week has gone by and what can i say hmmm well i have two big things happening in my life which I have to keep confidental at present (it wont be for long and i will let you in on my two lil secrets)But for know I'll tell you some exciting knews which i can actually say lol... we saw a litter of kittens last saturday and are completely in love with a lil boy kitten which we will be picking up on the 17th of december yippy...hubby has also kitten proofed flat yay and we have all the kitten bits so were pretty much organised.We have put up the christmas tree im nt sure how long it will stay up with a kitten around i guess we will just have to wait and see.But i cant wait to hold him in my arms and provided him will all the love in the world.My husband choose him he couldnt stop going awww awww he's so cute can we have him lol he's such a softy..i was holding the little girl kitten and she didnt want to let me go shame we cant take both but i think one is enough we have to be realist sometimes that can really suck at times lol. I can finally tell you my first bit of big news i have been made a room assistant in the depression chat room and i just hope that i can give back all that it has given me and more.Im gonna have to turn on the heating in a minute it is so cold im typeing this blog entry in my gloves can you believe that lol!im just having a well deserved rest as i have done some paper work for work and hopefully i will finish it completely this week and then its count down christmas woop woop and two weeks off.life just seems to getting better all the time and i really try and think of all the lil positvie things going on then focus on the negative.Had a nice time in town yesterday went to the german market and met up with family and it was just a perfect day ...keep them coming is all i can say lol. Write laters thinking of u all as always xx

Wow im up early ...way to early especially on my day off lol well my sleep is shot to pieces and i'm nt gonna sleepin im gonna make myself as tired as possible.Im really pleased with myself I got my pay slip this week and i thought is this worth looking at cause i know i will have just enought money to cover bills but as luck turned out i have finally been given my full wage silly me i must have mucked up wen i thought i would have it again. So it was a lovely suprise and just in time for christmas and getting the kitten every little helps so they say hehe.It also made me realise how far ive come ...i mean at one stage i wasnt even fit for work so to be back and to be on full wage is a big thing for me.All i can say to any one who is reading this is you can bounce back from depression im not going to say its ease and your life will be perfect cause life doesnt work that way but there is hope you have to work at it and I encourage anyone who hasnt been to see a doctor to go ...(no pressure)..just it could be the answer you have been looking for to get your life back on track and i recommanded cbt also if your stuggling with anxiety also.If you cant talk to your doctor write everything down on paper and give to him/her ...thats what i did.Also if your doctor isnt taking your seriously go to another doctor.Remeber doctors are all differnt and human dnt give up on the first try.For anyone who is struggling feel free to leave acomment and i would love to offer you some support, i cant say i can give you all th answers your looking for but im here to listen and offer advice if i can and im nt going to judge you if your worried about that im not like that at all.Also it would be lovely to make some friendships :) thinking of you all as always xx p.s have paid the deposit to estate agents for the kitten so we can have akitten now yay!

Like the title says i want mr sandman!!! lol My sleep patteren has changed again will it ever give me a break..im starting to stuggle getting off to sleep again..so tonite with a heavy heart im gonna try one of my sedaive tablets ..using it for a couple of days then leaving it and praying that it will settle me into a properly pattern again.I hate to use them. Ive also decided that this going down to 20mg and having one evey other day is maybe too soon for me as im getting bad headaches so starting monday im gonna split my 20 in 10 and take it everyday...and they do the whole one everyday thing.It feels like a bit of a back step for me ...but if that wat it takes for me to recover properly then so be it.Work has been fantastic this week ive been on a complete hype lol even with the headaches.. and my paper work is soo complete i guess i'l have to start on a new project.Im trying to keep my mouth zipped at work..there this certain someone who is so mean...to others.. i did have a word and tryed to defend the person she was talking about,i was mature and wasnt mean back that is soo nt my style ..it really hurts me that ppl have to be soo cold hearted and treat people like dirt..why cant they give everyone a chance? I guess im gonna have to bite my tounge ..i dont want to turn bitter about it bitter does nonone any good.Im speaking to my friend who i got reunited with so far so good i hope we dnt drift apart again ..its werid we dnt fall out we just drift i suppose are world are similar but in someway completely different.im still counting down the day till we get a kitten..this week coming we are going to the estate agents and paying the deposit for us to have a cat..then we will start getting all the cat bits ...its soo exciting but feels still far away its the one thing im focusing on that is keeping me positive ..this weather doesnt help either.anyways write soon thinking of u allxx

its a grizzy day full of rain outside but that hasnt dampened my day one bit.I have been decorating yet again this weekend the flat looks so much nicer and at least it will be done before the kitten arrives.I decided to distract myself with decorating as my mood started to dip on friday so i thought if i kept myself busy ...it may help... which it really did. After i finished painting i felt good about what i had achieved...and that made me thinking about relapsing and nt going back to that place. Its so hard when u get the slightest hint of negativity not to bring those feeling flooding back.Im defentily having withdrawl systoms at the moment..i hope i can deal with them..i guess i'll just have to ride this storm out.Anyways back on today thoughts i decided to ring an old friend we have been through alot together both suffereing at different times with anxiety and depression and other issues.We havent seen eachother god maybe over a yr or soo maybe longer we kinda drifted apart i guess. So i decided to ring i knew there was achance i may nt get areply and in the end left a answer phone msg .. and thought the balls in her court ...and about 20mins later she rang me which is very rare...and we catched up for a good half an hour it was like we'd never been apart how strange...i feel a great feeling has been restored in me...i feel like ive compleatly forgiven her for things that have happened and i hope a new begining is out there for both of us as ive know her since umm i was 2 or 3yrs old and for some reason i just cant give up on this friendship...i dont know how to explain it ..i suppose weve been through soo much i cant just give up on it cause i care for her alot and i know in her own way she feels the same way about me too she just show it slighty differently but i can see it. We've exchange emails and added eachother on msn.. and she's chatting to me right now .. like nt long after i started writing this blog. I just hope we stay incontact.. im nt gonna get my hopes up too high.. cause i dnt want to get disappointed ..but i have a good feeling. anyways gonna go and make a cuppa tea. Thinking of u all xx

its a another day in the life of freckles and im doing pretty darn good ....im up to date with all my paperwork so that will make my worklife alot more bearable and hopefully me less stressed and running around like a headless chicken lol.Im on a tidy mission at present and im constantly struggling to sit still... i run around the flat sorting out everything and it has to look a certain way i have know idea why but i think i do have a certain amount of ocd... as i dnt just put things in order for example cd's must be in alphabetical order,must be a catogorie like horror,comedy... then there's the kitchen cupboard again in order and the tins and stuff my be the right way round so i can see what is what... it can be chucked in ... now is this a sign of just me being bit ocd or just having good common sense???please let me know what you think as I may bring this up agian to the doctor ...but then i think im not to serve cause some people count dont they but wen im under stress i do have to touch things ...for example i worry door isnt locked so will run back pull handle and like to hear the noise that its lock...but i will happily well nt happily but i will run back to touch it or other things a few times.Hmm just have to try not to do that i guess... i guess that ...go along the lines of my assive cleaning too. I have great new's im finally sleep properly without using sleeping tablets ..i seem to drop off easier and am able to go back to sleep if i get up and need the loo ...sooo a BIG YAY!!!!Im also on my second week of taking 20mg ...and im slow gonna wean my self off them like one every other day starting from next week as i dont see to be having a withdrawal systoms at present so taking that as a good sign. Gonna stop now as im distracted have my mum chatting to me on msn ..but as always im thinking of you all x

I know the title must sound really crazy but thats exactly what happened to me today hehe.I work with children and i was pretending to be  asleep and the children where telling me to wake up and then before i knew  it one child gets the plastic spade and smacks me on the head lol...it funny now im writing about it ...bit painful at the time. bless his cotton sock he said sorry and gave me a hug.As you may guess im in a cheer ful mood which i hopes carries on...i now reduced my dose to 20mg getting a few withdrawl symtoms but thats not surpising as i hae jumped from 60mg to 40mg to 20mg..but it isnt affecting me emotionally no crying out burst or emotional melt downs hehe so all's well. I finally have some good news I've gone back to work full time hurray for small steps...as where would i be with out them. Im considering maybe going back on cbt if i need it as im planning too I come off my medicine compelety in a while or soo and it might be good to have that support system up in case i do need it. So far im putting my therapy into practice and it seems to be working... im also chatting in depression chat which really helps me and i have made some wounderful friends.Im also sticking to my routines and its getting easier to do it the more i do it.Im eating healthy and am going for a 30min walk in the evening which i think really helps me as well as giving me some time to think through things and i suppose have me time..lol sounds funny most people would probably pamper themselves for me time but nope nt me i sweating a way walking lol.im gonna close here but stay tuned for the next epsiode lol thinking of you all xx

So its tuesday evening and a few days or so since i last left a blog.I'm  doing okay started planning a weekly planner which if  i stick to and follow should help me and also I've added exercise times and slots so i got to try and keep to it. I  seem to have started organise things around the flat u know all the boring stuff like washing up and laundry and dont seem to be struggling trying to keep on top of everything.I think having a mess free enviroment really helps me i not really sure why ..maybe its cause there less caos i dnt know and more harmony. Im sipping my cuppa of tea and its soo good i feel all cozy. Im on my 2nd week of 40mg and so far so good.. so im gonna drop it to 20mg next monday(see where that takes me.)Im trying to go back to work full time completely my manager has been really good and im doing 4days now ...im just waiting for her to up it again but she cant seem to tell me...so that is a guessing game. I have to admit it would be lovely to have the extra money ....again....not having to be so tight with it would be a nice change.What else is there for me to report ...i cant think im getting tired ...but ill let you know soon. thinking of you all x

Today has been Brilliant all that worry for nothing...why do we put ourselves through it I really dnt know and change isnt always bad is it?I faced my fear today and although my stomach wasnt on my side  I carried on .. and had some lovely prasies from people which was soo lovely really boosted my confidence so im glad i conqured the fear of going to work some where else just for the day to help out. They were telling me Im good at my job and at some point I should become a room leader cause they know I could do it with out question so its something to think about for the future if something comes up. I also recieved a areo mint chocolate bar for helping out  didnt except that what a nice thought.See there's still hope that there are nice people out there for anyone who has lost hope or wish not to believe it.I do wish i could control my anxiety better did affect my sleep last nite but its something I will have to do bit by bit.Is there anything else to same  ummm let me think ... O yeah ive decided since im lowering my dose of citalopram im gonna do it longer then doctor recommanded its not worth a relapse is it???Still thinking of kitten names so if you have any feel free to leave a comment  I would love to know.Thinking of you all and offering lots of hugs your way xx

its me again god being on here is addictive it is a comfort to have as I can just bang on about my ups and downs and wounder about the paths ahead of me.I have decided to just be brave and do what i need to do for work ...i know its scary for me but  avoidence is not the idea or answer ..this is a habit that has always come to me in time of change...but i need to get a grip on it ...if im ever going to over come it. I spoke to my doctor to night he said that although citalopram can cause weight gain there could me a number of factors to consider then the drug.He's asked me to keep a eating journal ...soo ive got to be a good girl but maybe that will help me. He given me more tablets for sleep they are a anti d but use at alow dose is a sedative..i ask if i could switch to this drug he wasnt keen on it has some bad side affects like anorexia which i didnt realise so that drug is deffiently out of the equation. Dont get me wrong im  happy with my size but anymore weight could cause more problems with my arthritis and i dnt particually want that ... and then i have to start on a drug for that... and ive heard its got some pretty bad side affect so dont even want to go there.Anyways getting back on track he said i can go down to 40mg of citalopram which im very pleased about dont like being on  a high dose and he said do that for to weeks and then if im ok i can go down to 20mg and do that for 2wks then see how i go. Is that the best way to lower your dose... or is it gonna cause more problems???Any opionions on that would be very much appericated so please feel free to leave a comment O well just have to wait and see i guess. One step at a time slowly does it. well its getting late so i better try and sleep full day of work tomoz.Write soon i can feel it in me bones lol x

Sorry for anyone thinking id write ablog on my knickers lol its the meaning of it was wat i was trying to get across lol.... its the end of the weekend and im sitting here listening to good old brandon flowers ..he is calming me with his words.. as im having a panicky moment.. and ive been in the depression chat trying to vent out my worries ...with some amazing friends i suppose i should give out a shout to markc,tau,tak,chi,rena,catprowler and everyone else for taking the time to try and calm me and being supportive friends :) Im sure u are all right and i will try and nt worry until the time comes and try and think positively if i can.Im seeing the doctor tomorrow so i think that will help as i have some issues with my medication i need to check out.write soonx

Well its a boring thursay and im in my pjs not working today as my ibs is bugging me again. I was going to go in but you know what sometimes you have to look after yourself and think of yourself then what others think and try not to worry.I will ring work later and I will go back in tomorrow hopefully it will have settled down.Opps i did it again ..I havent taken my medication for the past few day... please dnt give me puppy dog eyes and make me feel bad....cause I kinda forgot..I swear its the honest truth I just cant get in a routine of taking them...I want to but I completey forget...I do wat ppl say leave them here etc etc...but i just cant get my self into getting them especially as I when im down alot of things I need to do go out the window.Part of me is cross with my self the other is like well DO YOU REALLY NEED THEM???!Its like battling with two different personalities at the same time...one telling me to be the good sensible women and the other is like come on you know you can sort yourself out if you really tryed..other people cope so why cant you? So difficult sometimes... cause you then have to think who's this going to effect cause you know its not just you...but then you have the selfish part of you that says forget it dnt want to realie o these forever do you??Are they the only things that are ever gonna make you function and with out them  ...you cant surive? Too many thoughts i tell you swishing inside this head of mine.x

The fog in my head seem to be shifting and im starting to think clearly again yay!! I hope this continues and soon i will feeel more my self.In a better place today then i have been..work seemed really good and i was able to achieve alot today...so I am secreatly pleased ...cause it taken soo long for me to start achieveing stuff again.Possibly thinking of getting a kitten have to kitten proof the flat i think lol...it would be nice to have a kitten around...this little fluff ball....as long as it aint spiting out fur balls lol...just have to think of what we need and cost first be for it is a positive 100% yes... as it not just me its hubby to think of too...but he loves cats ...so i dnt think it will take a lot of persudeing lol...nah only jking if he said nah then that would still be cool ... he is worth alot to me and he comes first....apart from food thats mine lol only joking ..gonna leave it now going all silly x

It's the  start of the week dnt know if i should smile or frown...im feeling rather numb...and i have this annyoning headache which wont  ease off i think its stress...the thought of going to work full time..as well as the anit d's which ive notice have made my appetite alot more and even when ive been brilliant ..ive noticed the pounds creeping up ...i know its the med's cause ive been the same weight for yrs and yrs..its nt bad only half a stone i think and apparenty no one notices it ...BUT ...I do...and i dnt want to get to a point where im really big cause i know these tablets can do that...which makes me think come off them. I have also been have some negative thoughts this weekend ...im try to put my cbt into practice but its a really battle...i suppose wen your used to doing certain things it become habit ...and some habits are soo hard to break. I aslo feel im in  this circle that going round and round like a merry go round except i cant stop.i dnt want to let people down again...so am trying to put a brave face on it...will i ever get rid of these masks...they arent gonna come off one day i can feel it.I've booked a doctors appointment I think maybe if i have a chat now might help...me.I suppose I'll just have to see how this weekend goes...day by day and try and think of positive things about myself. thats it for now i thinkx

 

Well most people know me as purple_freckle on depression chat and before u ask yes i do have freckles but obviously nt purple ...although that would be very cool. My real name is Emma  (it's amazing how many nicks u can get from it )I dnt know if i want to start with a david copperfield theme i was born blar blar in blar ...cause i really dnt know if im up for a full detailed description of me under the mircoscope. So i will just start with some bits and bob ...and see where that takes me. Im not going to go all doom and gloom or at least im gonna try nt too. As if i go to far down that road.. i may jump in that place.All i can say is I've always struggled socially one time or another ...one mintue im quiet the next im loud. Ive always been drawn to people who are alone or have problems ..not because of pity or anything like that but because i generally want to get to know them and become there friend...i want to be that friend that will never give up and always be there. But it seems to me there arent many callings for a friend like that .. and im the one in the end who suffers...what was it ...o yes im too soft ...but i mean there are so many heartless people out there isnt it better to be soft then hard faced??? So as ive got older (25 now) I seem to struggle more to socialise .. i mean im friendly dnt get me wrong but going into the whole deep friendship has become a challenge ..as i have built a wall around myself... i suppose its easier that way i dnt get hurt...I  have had many things go on in my life not as hard as some but for me a challenge none the less... firstly im dyslexic so ur have to forgive my poor spellings but i seem to cope well  although comments where made when  i was young that i would never be like normal children ..i was just a day dreamer who would never achieve the same as others...and i suppose that has kinda stuck with me ...although i push my self  hard to achieve the same....maybe thats where the whole i have to be perfect started hmmm will never know for sure...I have arthritis since I was 12 nt  serve but its painfull all the same... ive recently seen a rhematologist and had tests which has final given me an insight of some medication that maybe useful to me. I wasnt always depressed or suffered with anxiety .. although i was a nervous child.. or with insomnia.. i used to be quite cheerfully i worried of course some times insanly so but nt to the point where id burn myself out... which is what happened..  the thing is i have a lot of support family wise,husband wise and work wise soo  its difficult for me to understand y i have depression wen i have support like that or even admit i hav depression  ... it was   i dnt know a yr and halfish ago...in the winter time when it first started and i was told by my doctor i had SAD...Seasonal affect disorder... so i followed the usally advice eat well,exercise.. sleep lamp blar blar... and later on discovered i had servere depression and anxiety plus my evil enemy insomnia ...which is difficult to shake off i can tell you. They where hard times filled with period of me  isolating myself... and  having many unnice feelings towards myself... so was put on medication... and like most of us felt guilty after awhile and came off it... thought i could cope then i burned out again... so back on medication...anyways cutting a very long story short .. i had cbt (cognitive behaviour therapy) which seemed to help and afer been off work for a period of time have start going back nearly full time again...i still struggle .. as im human ... but i push my self to have some sort of hope that some point i will be strong enough to realie without med's and then some of my dreams may have a chance of bloosming. So i suppose that kinda sums me up for now... x

My life is on hold ....its like nothing really will ever change nt BIG things anyways....cause i cant sort my self out can i so nothing can move on. Im screaming inside right now ....i want to get out of this sad depressing place and be some where  fun ,bright and full of laughter.It just feels like im crumbling and i cant repair my self quick enough does that make sense.....????x

this is like my 4th attempted to try and write a blog and if this works i will shout wohooooooooooooo!!(very loudly)I really need this blog as im starting to feel down ...and im nt gonna give up or anything i just hope writing something down may pick me up again. Cause im feeling very emotional and im struggling to process all these feelings.... and its starting to affect me...x