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Trapped

I'm at home ...I really wanted to push myself to go to work but the panic attacks from last nite and lack of sleep have just worn me out completely...I feel torn on each way I look at this coin of depression/Anxiety between guilt for not going,feeling useless and the thought I have let people down but then on the flip side hear myself saying you need a break a day isn't going to hurt if you catch up on sleep ..speak to a doctor ...and try and not stay bed but do tiny tasks around the house to keep myself busy... maybe it's what you should do.I know I have been in this place main times before ...and I have recovered ...but it is a hard struggle ...which some get and others don't have a clue. Luckily I had a phone call with the most loveliest Doctor today...she was professional but showed care, concern. empathy and actually a tone in her voice of general wanting to help....she told me sounds like I'm doing all I can and the switching of medication and it's side effects is possibly what's adding to make me to be more on edge and painky...it was a hard thought of switching but I just knew citalopram wasn't really helping...so I couldn't win...either way there would be a chance I would be down for a while so what did I have to lose from switching. So I am to give it another week and will up it to 20mg on the weekend and report back if no change...I'm not expecting it to kick in like waving a magic wand but I don't want to leave to long . I have had a good cry which has been building up for last few days maybe that will help a little. Part 2 Next day pushed my self into work ..it wasn't easy hard to to focus when your head is banging and chest is pounding but i managed to do a full day honestly don't know how but I made it. Dilema work do...do i go or not ....feeling the way i have been I wanted to crawl under a rock and hid there but with support and enouragment from my husband ...I went ...at first felt unease ...new place out ...and what if i cant interact with others...well I shouldn't have worried some how i did connect and actually shed a laugh showing somewhere in this cloud of depression I am here after all just buried deep ...but I am doing what I can I will speak to someone in a couple of weeks and I have another doctors appointment so haven't given up yet which I guess is something.xx

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