Reasonably wrong

Its been three years or so since I've blogged here and reading my old posts is embarrassing honestly. I was such a sad lost little girl. I'm not completely proud of who I am today but I'm so much better than what I used to be. Also I appreciate anyone who made the effort to reach out to the sad lost little girl I used to be. Time really does change people.

Is the one year anniversary of my bestfriends death.. Im so scared I dont know what to do.. I miss him so much. We were really tight. Even though im young I can still say I loved him. I was in love with him even though he didnt return my feelings (as far as im aware) , and I will always love him. He made me laugh and smile and just be happy.. I dont ever want to forget how he made me feel. DeeJay was an amazing guy. & he didnt deserve to die. Some people think he got what he deserved.. which breaks my heart. Yes I know, he was playing russian rulette and everyone who plays should expect to die but they didnt know it was loaded they thought they shot the last bullet out.. I dont consider it suicide. Neither do alot of people. Which brings me to the next thing; Once he died I fell into depression. It was bad. I still suffer from it but now its not as severe. I just needed to put this out there. Keeping it all bottled up like I do, hurts.

& It feels great. I love the stinging pain. I love that.. release I feel. It makes me just feel better. I dont know why I was ever scared to start cutting again. I dont want to ever stop. & I also have great news.. I think im going to stop with pot.. Because i hate how much I eat when Im high. Im going to keep throwing up because I think its working. What a great day! Hope things keep getting better.

I feel like i have no connection to the ground. Ive lost my footing.. I feel like slicing my arm up like a tucky on thanksgiving. Im tiredd. I wanna sleep & cut & and sleep and cut. Lets get lost in time together

Ive been flying through the clouds all day. So much pot. Smoking makes me feel way better. I can be myself when im high. I forget im depressed and would like to slash my wrists every minute of every day. Im going to go get high soon. See yaa Im getting away from all this shit