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June 22, 2012

Today I've been feeling really lonely and depressed. I've been depressed for weeks ever since I got my period over a week ago. After that, things kept happening to me and my best friend who I rely on most has been distracted with her boyfriend. I have no one else who I can count on and I guess I can't really count on her to be around for me.

I was hardly handling things until yesterday. Yesterday I opened an unused email to find 2 emails from my mother. She is bi-polar and has done so much in my life, including trying to kill me when I was 8 months old, that I seperated 100% from her 3 years ago when I was 19. In my late teen years until my parents got divorced I was sometimes even scared she'd attempt to kill me again. I really don't think I want anything to do with her even now, she was never good for me even her blood could be poison in my veins giving me a mental illness that seems to run within her entire family. This depression I feel seems possible evidence of that. Even that is more than I want to do with her, I made my peace with her exit from my life and here she is trying to come back as if she never did anything wrong. In one of the emails she even discussed how "we" could do something about a medical problem I had back when she last saw me. No admitting that she screwed up. She has to be on meds now she was hospitalized a while back and assigned a conservator from the state because neither me nor my brothers would take that on. So she has to realize she cant just come back into my life all hunky dorey. I'm even scared that when she's released from the mental institute she's currently in, she'll try to come back into my life again. She knows where I live and where I work and I'm afraid of her being anywhere near me.

This has just been bothering me so much since yesterday morning. I wanted to think of anything else so since like 11 last night I worked on drinking about a half a bottle of rum. Intellectually, I know this is bad and I know I shouldnt drink because of depression but the urge was strong and I just wanted the oblivion the euphoria of m

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