05/27/12I am amazed at what medication can do. I have been off Paxil and on Zoloft now for about a month now. I feel so much better being off the Paxil. I guess my body wasn't metabolizing the meds, which made me more anxious. I was also continually tired and didn't feel like I was myself, among other things. Now my mind is clear, I don't feel generally tense and my sleep has been good and I can get out of bed. I wish I could just be myself without medication, but I am thankful that it can help and I just keep praying that zoloft will continue to work. 05/05/12I've been learning a little bit about being open and being vulnerable lately. Communication has never been my strength. Most of the time I hide what I'm going through. It is especially hard for me to share because I assume that people won't understand. Sometimes that is true because unless you've actually dealt with depression or anxiety, you don't truly know. What I have underestimated is the empathy people have. Just because they don't understand doesn't mean they won't support you, pray for you or help you out. The other day I finally decided to talk to one of my professors to whose class I am almost always late to because it is the first one in the morning. I was slightly nervous because he is known for being insensitive. I told him that I just wanted to know that I deal with dep/anx/ocd and mornings are rough. He thought for about one second and then said, "well, I commend you for getting through the semester. sorry you have to go through this." I was dumbfounded, but then again, when you're open with people, good things come of it. I'm also learning to be more open when I'm just having a rough day. This is hard because I can't just say that i'm having a bad day because my dog died; it's just not that simple. Just being able to tell someone that my day is rough puts it into perspective a little bit so that I don't keep it inside myself and let grow and ruminate. Having someone praying for me also reminds me that I am loved and I am not going through this alone So it's starting to be hot outside. A few people have been asking why I have on long sleeves. Aren't you hot? I can usually get away with saying it's cold inside the buildings, but what I really want to say is "you don't want to look at my nasty arms." I wish I could explain what it is like to pick my skin. It consumes my time when i don't want it to. It consumes what my hands are focused on when I don't want it to. I can't feel prepared for my day until i have picked. One thing that's really been frustrating me is that this isn't just something that will go away. Like a cold; you know you will be miserable for about a week and then you will get better, so you buck it up and get through the week. Not so with dep/anx. You deal with it every day. It gets so tiresome to fight. I think there's a distinction between fighting and controlling. You can't always control dep/anx but you certainly can fight it. That frustrates me too. I like to be in control of things and I can't control when dep/anx is going to rear it's ugly head. And there are so many factors: stress, medication (of which I am trying zoloft because the paxil just wasn't working. i don't like trial/error things. i want a clear answer), sleep, events, if I'm fighting, my relationship with God and other things too. 04/23/12If I would have an opportunity to spread some depression/anxiety awareness, here is what I would share:
If you want to help out someone going through depression, here are a few ideas:
04/03/12
Depression is hell.
Chorus: Verse1: I look to You, Jesus take my heart and put a Light where there was mud Verse2: God take my hand and lead me through, reassure me the future doesn't hold the past.
Define me by Your everlasting Love Bridge:
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