Refreshing Light

I am amazed at what medication can do. I have been off Paxil and on Zoloft now for about a month now. I feel so much better being off the Paxil. I guess my body wasn't metabolizing the meds, which made me more anxious. I was also continually tired and didn't feel like I was myself, among other things. Now my mind is clear, I don't feel generally tense and my sleep has been good and I can get out of bed. I wish I could just be myself without medication, but I am thankful that it can help and I just keep praying that zoloft will continue to work.

I've been learning a little bit about being open and being vulnerable lately. Communication has never been my strength. Most of the time I hide what I'm going through. It is especially hard for me to share because I assume that people won't understand. Sometimes that is true because unless you've actually dealt with depression or anxiety, you don't truly know. What I have underestimated is the empathy people have. Just because they don't understand doesn't mean they won't support you, pray for you or help you out.

The other day I finally decided to talk to one of my professors to whose class I am almost always late to because it is the first one in the morning. I was slightly nervous because he is known for being insensitive. I told him that I just wanted to know that I deal with dep/anx/ocd and mornings are rough. He thought for about one second and then said, "well, I commend you for getting through the semester. sorry you have to go through this." I was dumbfounded, but then again, when you're open with people, good things come of it. I'm also learning to be more open when I'm just having a rough day. This is hard because I can't just say that i'm having a bad day because my dog died; it's just not that simple. Just being able to tell someone that my day is rough puts it into perspective a little bit so that I don't keep it inside myself and let grow and ruminate. Having someone praying for me also reminds me that I am loved and I am not going through this alone

So it's starting to be hot outside. A few people have been asking why I have on long sleeves. Aren't you hot? I can usually get away with saying it's cold inside the buildings, but what I really want to say is "you don't want to look at my nasty arms." I wish I could explain what it is like to pick my skin. It consumes my time when i don't want it to. It consumes what my hands are focused on when I don't want it to. I can't feel prepared for my day until i have picked.

One thing that's really been frustrating me is that this isn't just something that will go away. Like a cold; you know you will be miserable for about a week and then you will get better, so you buck it up and get through the week. Not so with dep/anx. You deal with it every day. It gets so tiresome to fight. I think there's a distinction between fighting and controlling. You can't always control dep/anx but you certainly can fight it. That frustrates me too. I like to be in control of things and I can't control when dep/anx is going to rear it's ugly head. And there are so many factors: stress, medication  (of which I am trying zoloft because the paxil just wasn't working. i don't like trial/error things. i want a clear answer), sleep, events, if I'm fighting, my relationship with God and other things too.

If I would have an opportunity to spread some depression/anxiety awareness, here is what I would share:

• The chemicals in the brain can be off (serotonin) causing depression or anxiety to be a health issue. Don't blame yourself.
• Depression takes the joy out of everyday activities that you usually find pleasure in.
• You feel like you are in a funk that you can't shake or you become unemotional.
• Sleep: sleeping too much or too little
• Counseling is not for wimps. It is work but it is worth changing your thought patterns, etc.
• It is false that no one understands. Communicate even a little of what you are going through and you will see how much people care.
• It is false that there is no way out - things are not supposed to be this way! With perseverance, things will get better.
• This isn't something you can just pray away; it is not a sin, nor is it shameful. God certainly meets you in the midst of it all and there are Biblical examples of persons experiancing depression, the most known being David in the Psalms.

If you want to help out someone going through depression, here are a few ideas:

• Be encouraging! Focus on positive things.
• Accompany that person to normal activities, ie: dinner, homework, go for a walk.
• Read Scripture and pray together.
• Encourage the person to be open and honest, especially if they don't want to face life. Saying it out loud gets it out, just don't focus too much time; move on to positive distractions.
• Ask if you can help with routines, or organization of time.

Depression is hell.
To walk thru life
Wary of what's inside.
Never fully certain
When smothered flames
Curl up trying to consume
What gain has been made;
Wondering how it got a
Breath when you thought
You cut depression's life vain.

To plod steadily against
The chains weighing down
With strength no human should have
Yet immobilized by icy thoughts
Flooding every aspect of your cells

Why should living even be a question
When life created is announced good?
A broken mind skews and runs
With lies buzzing in the smog.
Reach out and touch reality-
Without seeing or hearing,
It's so far away.

No one understands.
I can't always explain.
I just know I want depression
To Go Away.
Why images flash before me
And dreams plague some sleepless nights.

Mom asks why I can't just change.
I say it takes time and determination.
I try but I am tired.
How to explain this covering of scars
That I stare at each morning,
Hoping that they had gone.

How to describe the depth of depression,
The suffocation of falsities with
Truths out of reach.
Love seems undeserved,
While shame is attainable.
Stuck in this black hole,
Seeing only a pin dot of hope.
Un-focused eyes have on blinders.
Ears filled with rapid heart beating.
Tightened muscles, shaking hands.
Don't make me get out of bed.

What if I stood up and shouted,
"Look around you and see
All the people
Affected by depression.
We are not crazy,
Although we feel like it.
We just need understanding
And a little love.
Life is hard but our brains
Magnify it.
We struggle through days
Wishing it was tomorrow.
Or the rapture."

Chorus:
Define me by Your everlasting Love 
Define me, not by who I try to be 
But by how You see me

Verse1: 
I am confident in holding on to Who You are and What You've done
When lies remind me of where I've been, bring back the Truth of my Savior

I look to You, Jesus take my heart and put a Light where there was mud
I need Your righteousness, let me find it in Your holiness

Verse2: 
Only one thin layer of disregard, holding back a flood of memories
I keep turning my back hoping to discover, some way out

God take my hand and lead me through, reassure me the future doesn't hold the past.
Fear has nothing - God You protect my life, God I know You hold my heart

Define me by Your everlasting Love 
Define me, not by who I try to be 
But by how You see me

Bridge: 
Make me a new creation
Renew this feeble mind
Search my every longing
Let my heart point to You (x2)