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When it rains it pours.  THe a/c on my car went out...I live in TX, it was 109 yesterday and 105 today. Need I say more?  My car is also out of alignment and I don't have the money to fix that either.  It's a 19 year old car.

I hate that I feel suicidal because I am running out of money and see no way to get any. I just don't think I'm gonna be able to find work, and if I do, to keep the job.  I've been feeling way down and upset and hopeless and it seems knocking myself off is the only thing that I can do.  Funny thing is, I don't even want to die.  There were times in the past I certainly wanted the pain to stop, but now I don't want to die. I just can't figure out how to afford to live. I can't give up disability and Sec 8.....I couldn't make enough  money to survive.

What in the hell am I going to do?




Anxiety worse

I have been trying to figure out a way around my financial problems.

I need a job, and I have to stay on Disability and Sec 8...so I cannot make more than $720/month.  That isn 't really enough, and even if I could find a job, how long could I hold onto it? I'd be in the same boat when I had to retire.  I'm 56 now, and in bad physical shape.  How long could I be a nursing assistant?

I need cataract surgery in a few years, and probably a knee or hip replacement within the next ten years.  How in hell am I going to afford that? How will I find the money to pay for what Medicare doesn't pay, and who will take care of me while I'm recooperating? I've got nobody.

I know if I could go back to nursing school I could make enough money to save some for old age, but I can't get back into school.   I dropped out too many times in the past,and they won't let me back in.  What else can I do to  make that kind of money?

I have nobody to live with to share expenses. No family to lend (let's be honest, here....GIVE me money, I could never repay it!) and while I am NOT suicidal now, I can't think of any solutions.   When you have more money going out than coming in and you  are running out of your savings, what do you do? You adjust, and live within your means. I've adjusted all I can!!! I'm still not able to make it. Surely there is a solution besides suicide?

I pray for a permanent answer to my financial problems, but I also pray to not panic, and I'm starting to panic, big time.

I have 2 cavities and a cap that need to be done. I'm gonna try and find a low income dental place here in town, but so far I can only find one, and I think I make about $100 too much to qualify!!!!  I may just start to pull the bad teeth. Also, my 20 yr old car needs some repairs.  It just never quits.

Dear God, please, please help me. In the name of Jesus Christ, help me.






A new step

I used to post stuff on Facebook, but I really put too much info on that site, it's not a blog. And so, I'm starting this. For me, it's just a diary to write.  I don't really expect anybody to read this sucker.

I'm 56, single, been suffereing from depression since I was a teenager, and haven't worked in over 15 years. I have no skills, except for as a Certified Nursing Assistant and deperately need to find  part-time employment soon.

I'm overweight, with bad knees and hip and have no idea if I can even do this kind of work.

I am on disability and thus can only make $720/month or less, and I need every penny. I have  less than $1000 to my name, and no savings, and very little  hope for the future.

I am SO anxious.



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