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sigh (trigger)

Hi everyone havent blogged in a while but i thought i would do again. The past few months have been really really hard, i keep seeing things and hearing things and no one takes me seriously at all, they all believe its normal which frustrates me. Ive had a good few suicide attempts aswell. But took me about 2 odd months to go to the doctor which i told him that everything is getting worse and i cant deal with it at all, im constantly in a suicide and panic mindset, constantly seeing things, constantly think people are talking negative stuff about me when i walk around town etc (i donno why i do it to be honest). I got visited by two weird glowly figures of different styles, a white one constantly hiding and peeking its head out at me so i see it, and the other one dark in colour hood up, plate armour weilding a sword they visited me for like a week straight and it seems they've stuck something in my head, something about that i've got to rise up as a warrior and kill a bunch of people in the name of English Paganism. Its going around and around in my head like its my life mission like i have to follow it to the letter. the fear of loosing my hair is driving me insane (im male btw) because with my belief that when i loose my hair then my soul goes to the Earth to defend my ancestors, me and this island that i live on from impurities, and that ive got to protect the true blonde hair blue eyed people (im blonde hair blue eyed) *sigh* i feel like i know the truth of the world and that i have awakened from the grip of this society and that everyone else is weird and haven't and kinda feel sad for them. *sigh* dont mind me ive lost my mind.
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A Distressing Day

Ive decided to up the size of the font because Mark couldnt read it :p Love you really Mark.

Today i've been worried to sick about my body and how i look to the point where i almost shaved all my hair off...and still thinking about doing it.... I have very low self esteem and self imagine, what i see is a horrid creature that should just go and hide out in a cave for the rest of my life.  Doesnt help if your kinda stuck between identities...

I went to a friends house today, as i ritually do...shouldnt of gone, was trying not to cry all day.... Too many voices in my head and i have one thats dominant that growls and screams at me...and says commanding and distressing things...Im in the middle of getting help believe me, ive done all i can just waiting on the services to ring me but i bet their systems have 'conventally' crashed again V_V i can share one thing the voice said and its most 'calming' of all believe me the voice said "Burn everything until theres nothing left" i havent done anything  just keep telling the voice to go away and i have another dominant voice a womans voice that keeps saying "no dont do it! dont listen !" donno what to think or do im loosing my mind i know i am any day they would lock me up and throw away the key...




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Teh First Post ^_^

:o My first blog post !!!!! How exciting??!!  Hmmm.... *paces around the room* what to write what to write....

Today have been an odd day and a sad/emotional day. Friends didnt want to see me, which kinda crushed me because i just wanted to get out of the house but i couldn't been stuck in all day V_V

Been listening to music, but not what i'd usually listen to which is Metal, i've been listening to Japanese Pop instead which is not unusual, but to listen to the genre this much is unusual to me. Possibly due to me being mentally and emotionally messed up? no that cant be it..or could it? maybe its because im trying to find a reason to keep going? could this be the reason? who knows...

Found out today that my brother tried to take his own life :( ... hes not older than me...hes my youngest brother, hes only 9 years old for gods sake! when i over heard it, my mum laughed at him...All i wanted to do is run in with fists flying towards her, but i didnt i just simply walked away... I have no idea if he is alright or not... And im not the best Brother in the world... when i was going through my life, being beaten by family, friends, school the works... all i could do was take out my frustration on my two brothers which i regret with every inch of me... Cant seem to go near them, if i do the memories come flooding in and i just want to run away...

Everyone in the chat, cheered me up, feel kinda useless in there because everyday i come in with a problem, and i cant seem to help a single person possibly due to im only 20 myself and havent been through as much as everyone else, but i do try with my weird humour and weird personality, but still feel useless to be in the chat V_V

Time to watch more Macross Frontier...

Rena out!

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