I know i could make you happy if you let me, i know i could make you smile if you would stop frowning.

All i want is to be in your arms instead of the dope that you used to feed through your veins.

I don't know what to say. Except to try and cry it all away.

I won't ever stop thinkning about you, even though you were never thinking about me.

Last night my friend from the Marines was in town..ive hadn't seen him in 3 years. we never had previous romance or anything... i dont know if what we "have" is even romantic. He said how nice it was to have me in his arms. We didn't kiss, didn't reach hands down eachothers pants or anything. It was purely innocent and it couldn't have felt better to be held, and know for once that I was safe from my own self desctructing thoughts. For those of you who read this, i dont know if anyone will; I know that reading this could potentially make someone feel even lonelier than they already are. This just shows we have little glimpses of LOVE and LIGHT ahead. Even if you hate yourself, someone will hold you and protect you, even if its just for a night, an hour, a few minutes of someone looking at you and you getting the butterflies from it. That is what life is about. i dont know why im so optomistic this morning...

maybe its because i realized im not ugly like i thought i was for the longest time...i dont know how long this "pretty" feeling will last but im going to enjoy every second of it.

I dont know if anyone will ever read this or anything i have to post in the future. but this is to help myself, correct? right now im laying in bed, listening to one of my new favorite bands called "The Front Bottoms", looking at the holes in my wall from where ive smashed my head, kicked and punched. I've bleached out my hair, with the secret thought of maybe a guy will find me attractive now, since my best friend is blonde and could have any guy she ever wanted. but me, thats a different story. im lonely as fuck. i always have been except for my one boyfriend in 8th grade, who i still think about. but thats because i think i just miss the fact of having someone there. I probably should have started my first entry with a little bit about who i am. but i dont know if anyone will comment or read this, i hope they do. just so i know someone is there.