Hey everyone...it's been a couple of months since i've been here. I had a pretty good "recess" for awhile...spending some good quality time with friends and family and really re-thinking my life goals and dreams got me in a better perspective. but im kind going up and down again. and that's probably because i'm just really stressed. I've gotten better at handling the stress and recognizing signs. I've also gotten better and letting others know when there is a problem....and actually letting them help me. before i would just ignore their advice or if the wanted to help i would just brush them off and say i could handle it myself. I know that i can't but there's times when i just dont want them to get involved. I'm hoping nothing gets too bad too quickly.

This is getting quite ridiculous. I've been facing hell all week. had a few ups..but mostly downs. didn't think to much of all the downs until today. in the past 24 hours, everything that could go wrong in my life as third year college student did. and to top it all of im sick, had a fever, and need to wake up to work in less than 5 hours...probably not getting to bed anytime soon thought. Im not feeling despair right now, im feeling anger. I'm pissed off at the world, and at myself, and I just dont care. If someone gets in my way or ticks me off they don't even get a warning, i just snap. it's not me but after all this time trying to suppress all this shit or at least just push through it i can't hold it in much longer. I can handle a few things going wrong here and there...but when it's finals week, im behind on everything, im sick, my friends are being assholes, along with my professors, everything is crammed in a few days and we are expected to know everything for our exams, computers dont work, my phone dies, i lose a document that had my final paper written on it that's due tomorrow/today, and i lost contact with a friend who probably thinks i hate him...yea the list could go on....i dont care if this post doesnt make sense to anyone else. this is how i vent...i just go with it. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt, but lately it just pisses me off even more so im gonna stop now and TRY to get some sleep...but first ineed to finish my beer...

I can't help but wonder if you ever thought the same way.

You must have. Because you gave in.

You must have screamed and yelled and tried so hard to get peoples attention...to get help...but you didn't scream loud enough.

Or if you did, no one heard you.

Or if someone heard you...maybe they didn't listen.

Or if someone was listening...maybe they didn't care.

Or if they cared...maybe they didn't do anything to help.

Or if they tried to help...maybe you didn't notice.

Maybe you were so lost you couldn't have noticed. Even if it was right in front of you.

Maybe that's why you left. Because you were so lost you had no hope left.

Maybe the only hope you had left was God.

Maybe that was why you went to him.

And maybe that is why he allowed you to leave and come to him and leave us behind.

Maybe that is why this hurts.

Maybe that is why it doesn't make sense...but at the same time it finally does make sense.

Maybe that is because I finally understand.

I understand why you gave in.

And I don't wonder if you ever felt the same as I do anymore.

Because I know that you did and that's why you left.

as the title says. I'm slipping. I'm regressing back. I was on a high for weeks and I was surviving and actually content, I felt I could actually take on each day without a problem. But now Im struggling to get through each hour. I want this to end I'm sick of this.

I have not been blogging or using this site nearly as much lately. I'm hoping what I've been experiencing wasn't just a phase like I originally thought because then I went through all of this for nothing. I suppose it wasn't for nothing because it didn help. I'm still on the edge sometimes. But I'm finding ways to handle them better. When something comes up, when I begin to have anxiety or freak out or there is too much stress in my life I have ways to get through them. Having my friends as support systems helps so much. I don't know where I'd be without them.