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Little about me in a LOT of words.

First of all, no one is going to be reading this but me, so why not be honest.

Let me first tell about me.  I was born in 1960, and you can figure out my age from there.  I think putting your age on a blog or anyplace else that is archived is self defeating.  What I mean is, what happens if someone reads this a year from now, the age is wrong.  Not that that makes a big deal, but it might to someone.  I dont figure there will be anyone reading this but me, but what the hell, if I am going to do it, then I need to do it right.  Just my personality I guess.

ANYWAY, looking back, I guess I have always been depressed and felt better being by myself and isolating.  Even in childhood, I was never very happy.  Even as far back as grade school, I prefered to be by myself and was never a chearful person like most everyone else.

In my teens I was never lucky with the opposite sex, and that made me even more depressed. One of the only things that I can remember for junior highschool was always showing up early so I could sneak upstairs to be alone.  I figured out this was a good idea, when some older girls caught me upstairs and tried to steal my pants.  This event REALLY made me want to be around people more.

I have never been to a school dance, participated in sports, or anything else that involved a group doing something together.  As and example, in highschool, I never ate lunch because that would entail eating in a group.  Even on my graduation night, I drove around by myself.  The only things that made me happy was having to deal with the human race as little as possible and later alcohol and drugs.  If it involved a crowd, count me out.  I had very few close friends (I can count 2 realisticly) and a few more acquaintances.

This carried on into my early adult life into education and work.  Rather than go to a college, I decided to technical school, (less people, and could get thru easier).  I got thru the edcuation with no problems, and as soon as I could, moved 8 hours away from my home to work.  Yes, there were a lot of jobs a lot closer in my line of work, but why work locally when I could move and be by myself.

The job that I got provided me the "perfect" atmosphere, working 3rd shift.  I worked at night, did not have to interact with my neighbors, and I was in my own little world.    Even the apartment that I had had a seperate entrance than everyone else.

As time went on, jobs change and so did my geographic location.  I moved frequently as my jobs changed, and eventually found myself in the southern US working for a large sofware company doing technical support.  Hmmm, you may be saying, worked for a large company.  Yea, you read it right.  Did I mention that I was one of the two people that worked the 4x10 shift, Sunday to Wednesday from 5am to 3pm in a cubicle?  Working this shift allowed me to be buy myself the majority of the time, and avoid not having to go out after work for "party's, and spend time doing things on the weekend.  Even when I was a work, I worked in a cubicle, and did not come out.

I meet someone and decided to get married.  This was a decision that was more practical than anything else.  I was getting older, and knew that eventually, I would be an old fart, and would probably need someone to help take care of me.  Eventually, I loved the person, but that was not the primary reason for the marriage.  After getting married, I started driving 87½ mile each way to work, which was about an hour and 45 minutes each way and loved it.

Eventually, I lost this job because I was my job was out sourced to another county, which caused me to loose everything I had.  Houses (2 actually), land, cars, household items, guns, pets, EVERYTHING.  The only thing that I managed to keep was fierce independence and my favorite hat.  Everything else (except my marriage) was gone.  I refer to this time in my life as a "floating homeless" state.  I had places to live, but not for long once I could not pay the rent that was due.

At this high point in my life is where I turned to drugs and alcohol.  Up until this point in my life I was an abuser of alcohol, but not drugs.  Not really sure if I should go on more into this in this post, but thought that it needed mentioning for later.

Anyway, during this point in my life, I was diagnoised as bipolar, and that was supposed to explain why I had felt and done things that I had done in the past.  I was put on a lot of psych meds, and none of them seemed to work.  There are still times that I swing from low to high to low in a period of days.  Good times are when I can manage to stay somewhere in the middle, but that is not very ofter.  The person that I am married to has NO PROBLEM letting me know when I am manic or depressed.  This is how I can tell where I am, if they dont tell me I am one or the other, then I must be in the middle somewhere.

My life today, is sitting by myself all day, and listening to sounds come from the other room as my spouse does their job from home.  They are not staying home because of me, rather the job that they have requires them to work from home.

Today, as I write this, I am depressed.  I read somewhere online and from my sponser that the best way to get out what you are feeling is to start writing.  They suggest that you put "pen to paper", but I would prefer to do it here.  Anything written down can be found, (and yes I know this can be found also), but this way I do not have to worry about hiding it somewhere where no one in my residence can find it.  Anonymity here is no existant, but it is easier to hide.

Enough for now.   If you have found this message in a bottle, and made it this far, then you have found something here that you can probably relate to, otherwise you would have stopped way before now.

Since I am new, not sure when there will be more here, but I am sure there will be.



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