Sorry i have't been keeping up, i've just been really busy. A few days ago i was at school and was standing by a row of lockers and the second i turned into the hall, i collided into my ex. i was honestly petrified after all the threats he made me so i quickly apologized and began to run away when i noticed him smile and slightly nod his head at me. after that, i had a mental breakdown and skipped my next class. As the day went by, i quickly forgot about it. I fell asleep early but was woken up by my phone ringing. The number was blocked but i still answered. I said "hello," i could hear someone breathing on the other line then i asked "who is this?" shockingly the reply was the same whisper that once concealed the words i love you, this time it said "i miss you." i quickly hung up the phone and called my best friend. I just wanted to yell at him saying it isnt okay to screw around with the mind of an unstable person, i just couldn't handle it. People don't realize the harm the little things they say could cause.

I don't really know when i began feeling this way. I was always a happy child, I didn't have any friends from third grade through the middle of seventh. I sat and read, that was all I did. I went to a very good private school until summer going into seventh grade. My father had lost his job a few years previously and it had just begun to effect us financially. My parents had a talk with me about it and said if i really wanted to, they would try their hardest to keep me enrolled in my current school. Feeling guilty, as always, I said it was fine and that i would attend the local public school. I thought it would be an opportunity to start fresh, and no matter now cliché, I wanted a shot at popularity. The first half of the school year no one even noticed I was there, then my mom encouraged me to try out for the volleyball team. Coincedentally, all the "cool" girls did volleyball. When I made the team, these girls and I began to form friendships, or what I thought were friendships. I did everything in my power, took down everyone I could, I was a monster. Finally I had acheived my goal. I was in with the girls, but the boys were a whole different story. They were cruel and spreaded horrible rumors about me, rumors that made me question my existence. These rumors continued until eighth grade, where i reached my breaking point, I then turned to self mutilation. This went on for months unnoticed but one day during ninth period english class, my sleeve slide up, ever so slightly. Yet ever so revealing. A boy sitting next to me noticed and asked what had happened, my lie about my cat wasn't good enough apparently. Everywhere i went i went i heard people whispering, that i was crazy. People would grab at my arms and try to see for themselves. They would make cutting motions against their own wrists as if it were funny, newsflash, it isnt. Surprisingly one of the main people that brought me into this state didnt find out and one day he said something that shattered me. He texted me later that day and apologized but i asked him to meet me up the block if he was alone. He had said he was alone but he had lied and i lost it. Quite honestly i blacked out, but i have heard the story from the people that have seen. I went right up to him pulled up my sleeves and began to yell. I was still bleeding from earlier. I said something along the lines of  "F*** YOU! THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU DO. PEOPLE LIKE YOU THINK ITS OKAY TO PUSH OTHERS TO THE EDGE BECAUSE YOU FEEL SO SHITTY ABOUT YOURSELF, BUT TELL ME NOW ARE YOU PROUD OF THIS? ARE YOU PROUD OF THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF MY LIFE THAT YOU HAVE CAUSED? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU POSSESS NO HUMANITY WHATSOEVER"  and then i began to cry. I sat down on a bench and began bawling. i had never felt so vulnerable. He left his friends and came up to me and apologized and said he never knew it had gotten this far. he said he would stop treating people like this and he was even on the verge of crying. after this him and i had had this bond, it was weird, but it was there. shortly after, the school had found out and told my parents. When i came home they sat me down, they couldnt even look at me. i had never felt so worthless in my life. they asked if this was the new thing for kids to do. they had never been understanding. they just sent me to a therapist and never spoke about it again. they didnt tell anyone, not even my siblings. they were ashamed of me. then the summer came around and they shipped me off to texas for half of it. but when i got home things between me and that boy had changed, we had started a relationship but no one knew. we kept it very secretive and i didnt notice until just recently that he was embarassed of me. we didnt have anything special, he acted as if he were my pimp trying to set me up with his friends so that they wouldnt find out. Then we both went to different highschools and he started a new relationship and so did i. I had been talking to this new boy, vinny, for three months and then i found out he had a girlfriend. all hell broke loose and i stumbled back into my old habits of harming myself. then three months later he texted me and told me he loved me and wished he never did that to me. he even broke up with her for me. we began going out, i even met his mom. we went out/were together for about two months. those were the happiest i had been in two years. then one night we had plans but he stopped answering my calls and texts my last message from his was "i really do love you baby" the next morning, i woke up to a text saying "i cant do this were over i love my ex too much" i cried and begged for him back but he said it would never happen. i locked myself into a bathroom and began vomiting from crying so hard. i had seriously lost the most important thing to me. my cousin got me out and made me go to see her then we went and got drunk at her friends house. he had texted me later that night saying he had hooked up with his ex allison and was happy we were over and that i better stop texting him from other numbers. i had no idea what he was talking about when he said texting him from other numbers so i said i wasnt and i told him to please leave me alone. but it didnt stop, he told me he would get people to beat me up and jump me. he told me i would regret everything in my life. i was honestly petrified but my cousin told me to shake it off and just look really good monday in school. sunday night i slept over my friends house and completely forgot that her and vinny were on the same bus. i practically cried when i saw him. now him and his ex are back together and have made it a mission to make my life miserable. then this current weekend i saw my other ex, we were talking about how much we both missed eachother, then not even 20 minutes later, he made out with my friend. that ended with us getting into a huge fight and him slapping me across the face. so once again i have broken down. i dont have any real friends anymore they all talk about me behind my back, i have no one except my cousin to talk to. she lives in a different town so i dont see her much. i just feel empty and have no idea what to do with myself anymore.