I've always had a negative father. If he had something nice to say he always turned around and said something negative.  Yesterday we got into an arguement and i told him you never have anything nice to say you always turn around and say something negative. The arguement was over a facebook comment (not the post) and someone called him.  So now i guess we ain't talking. And im fine with it now. I lost my mom when i was young and i was raised by my grandmother (mother side) and my dad. So its hard to let him go of course. It hurts my feelings but i have to let him go. I have to let his verbal abuse go. Since he can't respect me as an adult.  Im a wife and a mother and yet he acts as if im a child. My heart is heavy but in the end i will be happy.

so yesterday my mother in law and sister in law came to visit one last time before we leave. my mother in law don't act as if she likes me. well later on in the day the hubby told me about something i did while his mom was here that was rude. during the conversation he told me to stop caring and be the bigger person but he doesn't realize that when someone does things out of the kindness of their own heart and the person on the recieving end doesn't show appreciation after a while your going to stop doing things out of the kindness of your own heart. He said i care to much i told him so what. She judges me even when she knows that she was where i am a young person with children having to learn how to become a woman while raising kids. She knows that i have a long way to go in maturing and yet she still hold it against me. She gives me fake hugs and forced hellos but she acts as if im not in the room.  I know she doesn't have to like me. I just don't like judgemental people. The hubby ask me to keep doing things out of the kindness of my heart knowing she may not act appreciative. I feel like he wants me to push my feelings aside and i can't this is making me sad because he wants me to do something that is going to keep disrespecting me and making me feel some kind of way. what i did yesterday it wasn't on purpose it was a defense mechanism when im in a room feeling awkward or uncomfortable i start talking and creating conversations. The hubby said i have to understand not everyone will like it and i said so i should "tone down" my defense to make someone else comfortable what about how i feel? I feel like my feelings are irrelevant. I feel like my husband wants to care about everyone elses feelings but mine. Am  i wrong for deciding to give up with his mother? am i wrong for not being the bigger person? I don't think im there yet and thats fine because we all have to grow we all have to learn. so why do i feel like im wrong?

So im moving to north carolina on friday with the husband and kids. Im not happy about it. i guess because the home life isn't right. I feel like my husband hates me and is only dealing with me. I feel like i cant do anything right. I try to support him and everyone but i feel like i don't have support of my own. My heart is heavy i want to cry but nothing comes out. my chest hurts from the sadness and pain. I fear. I fear.... i guess everything now. I don't know what happiness is anymore and my husband talks to me like crap and gives me the excuse that its my fault if i wasn't asking too many questions but if i didn't ask any it would be a problem. I feel like i can't win. I just want to ball up in a corner and cry. I don't know what to do to find my way. I want to lose weight but my husband don't like my weight and makes it know not too ofter but i worry that losing weight won't be about me it would be about him. I need help figuring a way back to myself and worry about myself and not him. I need help and i feel like noone is able to give it to me. What to do. How do you stop caring how do you stop worrying. How???? thats the question of the day is how? how do you let go how do you move forward taking care of you emotionally and mentally. Everyone feels depressed and i want to find people that can support me encourage me be there when needed. and i return the favor. My family believes in god and i use to have no doubts in my mind and heart but now its hard to depend on god i don't know why. To me thats bad. I've never felt this way about god. I've never had doubt in my heart or mind. Thats how i know something is wrong.