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Breakthrough... I hope.

First and foremost, I need to make some things clear to anyone who may be reading this. 1) I, like others, may get REALLY down on myself, but if I mention anything  pertaining to suicide, I will not do it. I'm not that weak/strong (depending on how you choose to see it). 2) I use humor to deflect pressure. It just makes it easier for me to handle. 3) I think faster than I type or speak. I may be on one subject and then jump to something else suddenly, and conversations/explainations may be difficult to follow at times.

That being said, I begin. Not really knowing where to begin from. Yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition. Get over it. I used to be somewhat succesful, or at least in a better situation that I'm at now in life. My first "reboot" took place when I was in my early 20s. Quite literally, I had almost everything I could want in life and going places, and the next moment I had nothing. That was the only point in my life when I was ready, willing, and able to kill myself. My job paid very well, but was very depressing and stressful. I was a 9-1-1 operator for the L.A.P.D. My depression came on strong and from out of nowhere. I went to Behavioral Sciences and saw a therapist and it had helped from time to time. But there were instances when I think she didn't really get me. She even had got my notes mixed up with another patient's. Not sure. Anyways, at the worst point of my depression, I grew fearful of my job. Literally, just afraid to go to work. I don't even know why it happened or what sparked it. So for a month and a half, I stayed away from work. The longer I stayed away, the more afraid I was to go back. Until I just reached a breaking point. Up until the day I went back, I noticed that I felt better when I took up my main hobby of internet gaming/MMOs. For those who don't know, MMOs are immersive games usually set in a fantasy world when you play with other people. Usually it's fun, but for me it was safe. It was like a drug, and looking back now, I can safely say that I was addicted. It's very possible that the only reason that I finally broke down and went back to work was because I needed the money to keep playing. Well, I went back and was fired a month later. Back then, I didn't blame them. But now, I don't know. I kinda wish they had noticed that something was wrong with me and wish they had done something to reach out and try to help me rather than just cut me off. I needed help. I still do.

Anyways, that was almost 10 years ago. Since then, things have only gone downhill. I've never gotten a better job than that one since. I've never lived on my own since. I've always been indebted to someone since. And I'm still falling victim to my depression. Only now, my depression is triggered by looking at my situation. Currently, I live in Arkansas with my fiance. We moved here from Los Angeles for two reasons. 1) My mother retired here 3 years ago and complains about how depressed she is living alone. 2) I now have a son who recently turned 5 who lives with my ex in Kansas (that 's another headache). So, after having moved to a VERY small town from a VERY big city, I and my fiance have to live off my mother until I can find a job. I've been here for 6 months already. Have applied to jobs all over this and the surrounding towns and cities, and can't even get a call back for an interview. I'm taking advantage of state resources for job placement, but that's not helping in the slightest. I've even tried to go back to school. I got a great deal with a company to get my student loan out of default, but when I try to go back to school here, I can't find my old student records. Apparently my old college went out of business and ALL of the records are now missing. There is NO record of me ever having gone to college at all. My scores, my transcripts, my DEGREE... all ghost. It never happened anymore. The only thing I have left is a student loan to repay. They'll stick with that, but they won't bother trying to work with me to find what that STUDENT LOAN was actually FOR!! So if I try to go back to school, I have to re-do everything that I already did on top of everything I want to do.

It's all too much for me to take. Right now, I'm at the lowest place I've been in years. Do you ever get the feeling when you feel like you're not you at the time, you're just looking through the eyes of someone else, kinda like watching a shitty movie and wondering, "Why doesn't this just end already?" I had that experience earlier today. It's like my life is just on auto-pilot. No matter what I try to do, it'll just go where it's supposed to go. I just want to be gone. I don't want a happy ending. I just want an immediate ending. That would make me happy. If there really is such a thing as reincarnation, then I must have been a real rat-bastard to someone in a past life. I don't know if anyone is reading this, and frankly, I don't care. But if you are reading this, and you're thinking to yourself, "Geez, I wish I had your situation. Mine is way worse." This isn't everything. I can't sum up my life's worth of disappointments  in a couple paragraphs. And this isn't a competition. The "the one who has it worse is the only one with a right to complain" mindset is complete nonsense. I only bring this up because I get this a lot. If I voice something about my life that I find difficult to someone, then they tell me, "Oh yeah? Well, I had blahblahblahblahblahblah happen to me! That's worse so you shouldn't complain!" Sorry, but I'm gonna have to break the PG rating for a moment -- **** YOU! I'm sorry you had it bad, too. But you don't have try and downplay my situation with yours because you think you have to sole right to complain about anything.

Did I get off topic? Maybe I did. This happens. Umm... okay, the reason why I even took the time out to do this (and title it "breakthrough") was because I made a realization earlier. I'm feeling particulary depressed right now, but the first thing I did was check my bank account to see if I had enough money to start playing my MMO again. DINGDINGDING!! Pattern found. The only problem I now find is that whether or not it's a problem, or if it's an indicator that my depression is at a dangerous level now? Whenever I get this bad, I just start feeling like I want to escape. I do that by substituting my reality with a fictional one. MMOs make that easy. About 10 years ago, I would literally play for days on end, and on my better days I see the depravity of that. But there are times when I get so bad when I start thinking about how great it feels to do it. Does that make any sense? I guess it's like how a drug addict would feel, or someone who used control substances as a coping mechanism. I don't know. I think I shouldn't do it. But then I wonder what the harm is. There are many more dangerous things I could do to myself other than play a game for a few hours (or days).

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